Saturday, Nov 25, 2006 at 13:41
I know I'm late... hell I'm always late & a dollar short so this weeks contribution:
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?
Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "
Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too... you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"
Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
"Oh my gawd!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally
well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the
park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment,I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your hum... equipment?"
"That's right.
Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?
Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "
Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too... you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"
Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
"Oh my gawd!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally
well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the
park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment,I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your hum... equipment?"
"That's right.
Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"
A
young monk arrives at a monastery and is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The abbot says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark
caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
The
young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "They missed the 'r'!, they missed the 'r'!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The
young monk says, "What's wrong, Father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "It should have been 'celebrate'!"
The Queen of England is visiting George Bush and they are sitting in the Oval Office talking about politics, when Bush asks the Queen, "How do you know if the highest members of your state are smart enough to be doing their job?"
The Queen replies, "
Well, I usually ask them riddles and see how fast they respond. That's usually a good way to see if they can think for themselves. Let me show you."
So the Queen calls Tony Blair on the speaker phone and asks him, "If your parents had a child, and it's not your sister and it's not your brother, who would it be?"
Tony Blair immediately replies, "That's easy, it's me!"
Now Bush, who is very impressed, calls Donald Rumsfield in and asks him, "Hey Donald, if your parents had a kid, but it's not your sister, and it's not your brother, who is it?"
Rumsfield ponders for a long time, and then admits to Bush that he hasn't a clue.
bleep off, Bush sends Rumsfield away and calls in Dick Cheney. He asks him the same question: "Hey Dick, if your parents had a kid, but it's not your sister or your brother, who is it?"
Cheney ponders for a long time, and then his face finally lights up.
"It's me!"
Bush gets really bleep off and yells at Cheney, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
What were they thinking?
All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their on-line names might appear and be misread.
1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that
represents any celebrity. Their web site is: www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can
exchange advice and
views at:
http://www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at: bleep land.net" target="EOF" class="lbg">www. bleep land.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at: www.therapistfinder.com
5. There's the Italian Power Generator company: www.powergenitalia.com
6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always: www.ipanywhere.com
8. The First Cumming Methodist Church web site is: www.cummingfirst.com
9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky web site: www.speedofart.com
These are genuine too, I was sceptical….
AnswerID:
206833