Phriday Phunny

Remember the look on a womans face when she wants sex?

No, neither do i...

RETIREMENT

Young people frequently ask us retired people what we do to make our days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went to a small shop down on High Street. I was only in there for about 10 minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He looked up, then ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a heartless Nazi bastard. He glared at me and then started writing another ticket for worn tires. So I called him a piece of stinking dog sh*t.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. I called him an a**hole and a pig. Then he started writing a third ticket. I called his mother a slut and a whore.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I orally abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't give a sh*t. I came downtown by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

The Voice Of God...

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. “PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...
GOD says to her, "Sweetheart, WORK with ME on this one. Buy a ticket."

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to
have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.

DEFENSE: what you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let
de children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance
apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you
scream it

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and
to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that
children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset
the children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one
bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to
make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

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By the way, it's not me, I wear size 38 !


Joe had been battling headaches for years, but lately they had gotten
much worse, so he decided he just had to see a doctor.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches," said the doctor. "The bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition
which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine
and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve
the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had
no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was
headache-free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he
was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street,
Joe realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new
beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new
suit," and went in.

The elderly tailor eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size
44 long."

Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror the tailor asked, "How about a new
shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

"Let's see, 16 1/2 neck, 34 sleeve," said the tailor.

Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the tailor said, "You could use
new shoes."

Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."

The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9 1/2 E." Joe was astonished. "That's
right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly. As Joe walked
comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new
underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not?"

The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."

"Finally, I've got you!" Joe laughed. "I've worn size 32 since I was 18
years old."

The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear
is too small and would force your testicles to press against the base of
your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest wit' you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn come to church every Sunday I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. so, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments Father, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell, right ?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

Ole and Sven walk into a pet shop in St. Paul, Minnesota. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near the Lake

At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says,

"By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."



Ole and Sven walk into a pet shop in St. Paul, Minnesota. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near the Lake

.
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says,

"By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole, vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his neck.

Once more Ole shakes his head and says, "First der was Sven with his budgie-jumping, den Knute parrot-shooting .. and now Lars, hen-gliding ."



Dats all. Dere ain't no more!

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole, vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."



BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his neck.

Once more Ole shakes his head and says, "First der was Sven with his budgie-jumping, den Knute parrot-shooting .. and now Lars, hen-gliding ."



Dats all. Dere ain't no more!

The real uses for common auto shop tools ...
• Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
• Mechanic's Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
• Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
• Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads.
• Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
• Vis-grips: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
• Oxyacetylene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got.
• Zippo Lighter: See oxyacetylene torch.
• Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
• Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.
• Wire Whell: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".
• Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.
• Tweezers: A tool for removing wood splinters.
• Phone: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
• Snap-On-Gasket Scrapper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
• E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
• Timing Light: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
• Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Life: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
• Craftsman 1/2 x 16-Inch Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
• Battery Electrolyte Tester: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
• Tin Snips: See hacksaw.
• Trouble Light: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
• Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
• Air Compressors: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

Subject: Fw: Honesty

----->
>
> On the 2nd tee of the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty
> years ago I had a brief affair, it meant nothing. I hope you can forgive
> me."
> His wife was hurt, but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we
> have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.
> On the 17th tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife
> blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since
> you told me of your affair. Since we're being honest with each other, I
> have something to tell you also. Thirty-two years ago I had a sex change
> operation, I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me"
> The husband froze at the top of his back swing, and then threw a fit! He
> slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods,
> stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest
> of his clubs one by one, then started on hers. He screamed and ranted,
> "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted
> you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing
> off the ladies tees!"

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your
shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do
just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you
from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a
thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you
had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may
include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness,
loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth,
and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,
Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister

Strangely enough a clean joke from me this week....

Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums:

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those
who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Double Bay Barbie: This modern day princess homemaker Barbie is
available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching
Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a master's degree and double-majored,
but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mum with Ken's generous
salary. Comes with a Prozac Prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug
and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold
separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing and is often
"working late." Available at all eastern suburbs Starbucks retailers.

Northshore Barbie: This Barbie is only sold at David Jones. She
comes with an assortment of Gucci handbags, your choice of a BMW
convertible or Range Rover and a long-haired foreign lapdog named
"Honey." Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream
house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast
augmentation. Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a
Porsche.

Bankstown Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm
handgun, switchblade, '78 Holden Ute with dark tinted windows, and
a meth lab kit.This model is available only after dark and can only
be purchased with cash- preferably small bills, unless you're a
cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Boyfriend Ken is
in jail. Available at participating pawn shops.

Blacktown Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes
with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the
time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Bankstown Barbie's trailer. Her
ensemble includes slow-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails,
strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her
Holden Ute Convertible separately and get Fly Buys points
absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at any
Big W Store.

Cronulla Barbie: This tan model comes dressed in her own Levi jeans
2Sizes too small, a "100% Aussie" T- shirt and the southern cross
tattooed on her shoulder. She has a six pack of VB and comes with
Jimmy Barnes CD's. She can spit over a distance of 2 metres and
kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is
the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after their
last big fight. Comes with Barbie's Dream fibro house. Available
at K-Mart.

Central Coast Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with
a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a 2 litre bottle of Pepsi
and a Centrelink cheque. Construction worker Ken and his '82 Ford
pickup are optional. Available at Target

Byron Bay Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and
tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy
armpits, no make-up,and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not
have, want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional
kombi van, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available
all over Byron Bay and Nimbin

Surry Hills Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted
from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts.
Walks to work and hangs out at The Columbian on Oxford st. Likes to
"experiment," but will never commit. This model is being phased out.