Flyday Funny

Hey madcow... I knew Carol????... she married my mate, huc huc huc!!!

Haul a Yugo. Haul a Yugo."

Gearly beloved, we are Blazered here in the name of our Four-door, who art in Half-ton.

I'm speaking of our lord and Mazda, Jeep-sus Chrysler.

He is the Alfa and the Romeo.

He was born in a Ranger, he was Tempo'd by the DeVille, and he Daihatsu'd for your Sentras.

He said, "Dodge not, that ye not be Dodged.

Thou shalt not Corvette thy neighbor's Whitewall, but turn the other Cherokee.

If ye have Fiat, ye can move Montecarlos.

He ain't Chevy, he's my Beretta."

He ate the Last Supra, and he climbed the mount of Cavalier, where they Cruise-controlled him on the Motocross.

But God, in his Infiniti Mercedes, did Rolls away the Stanza.

Let us Prelude: Sayeth the prophet Isuzu, in the Dusenburg Bible, In the 23rd Saab, "The Ford is my Chauffeur. I shall not Walk.

He Lexus me in the paths of Right-turn-signals.

Yea, though I walk through the Valet of the Shadow of Dart, I shall Fiero no Eagle.

Subaru Goo dwrench and Mercury shall Volvo me Audi Daytonas of my life, and I shall Dwellmeter house of Delorean, Four-cylinder."

Gloria, In Ex-Celica Geo!

Cheers RG.

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London . I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year".

the funniest blonde joke
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

Never seen the "reverse" version of this.... until now

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

......................................................................

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus
in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are un supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Dubbo when she saw an elderly Aboriginal woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Aboriginal woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Aboriginal woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Aboriginal woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade....."

May be this should go in the Trader.

> FOR IMMEDIATE SALE
>
> * Open topped tour bus (ideal for hubristic "Victory Parade"
> or similar)
> * Four-hour booking of Trafalgar Square (booked months ago, now not
> required)
> * 2 tonnes of confetti (used once only)
> * 10,000 copies of CD recording of 'Jerusalem' sang by English cricket
> team (need to offload ASAP; make good coasters)
> * Autobiography book deal "How Good Am I??" with top London publisher
> (no longer required)
> * 40,000 miniature Union Jack flags (pre-ordered, now no takers)
> * Box full of MBEs, OBEs and other miscellaneous gongs can't
> find anyone
> to pin them on)
> * Trophy cabinet (empty, used for only 14 months and won't be needed
> again)
> * Smug, self-satisfied smirk (recently wiped off)
> * Weekend for 2 at the exclusive 'Marcus Trescothick Private
> Retreat and
> Health Spa' (absolute seclusion guaranteed)
>
> Everything must go!!
>
> All serious offers considered!!
>
> Enquiries to:
>
> Mr F Flintoff
> England & Wales Cricket Board
> Lord's
> London NW8 8QZ
>
>

An attorney got home late one evening, after a
Very taxing day, trying to get a stay of execution
For a client James Wright, who was due to be hanged
For murder at midnight. His last minute plea for
Clemency to the governor had failed and he was
Feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his
Wife started on him about, "What time of night do
You call this? Where have you been?" And on and on.

Too bleep tered to play his usual role in this
Familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey
And headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub
Pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bathroom, the phone rang. The
Wife answered and was told that her husband's client

Had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she

Decided to go upstairs to give him the good news. As
She opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the
Sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over
Naked drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN,
DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"


REMEMBER..
KEEP SMILING, IT MAKES PEOPLE WONDER WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN UP TO

Onions and Christmas Trees...

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts. in her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions". "Onions?"
Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
A Christmas tree?"

Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for
decoration."
MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!

Aussie Humour!!

Hello, is this the police?"
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
Early next morning, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.
They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house.
"Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday maaaaaaate!"

A blonde lady drops her car at the mechanics workshop and says she will pick it up after work.
On her return she asks the mechanic what was the problem, and he said "just crap in the carby" to which she replied "how often do I have to do that?"

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the Pharmacist she needs some Cyanide.

The Pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The Pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy; I can't give you Cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide!"

The lady quietly reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife.

The Pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

Bono from U2 took a break during one of his concerts and asked the audience to be quiet. When the noise died down, he started slowly clapping. "Every time i clap my hands a child in Africa dies," he said. Davo was in the front row and shot back "Well stop doing it then you wanker".

Where are YOUR kids this Christmas?

A man in Hobart calls his son in Perth a week before Christmas and says "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your Mother and I are divorcing, 45 years of misery is enough. It's all over."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son asks anxiously.
"Well son, we can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the Father says. "We are sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you can call your sister in Cairns and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're
divorcing, I'll take care of this."
She calls her Dad in Hobart immediately and tells her Father forcefully, "You are not getting a divorce. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow to sort this out."
The man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay, darling" he says, "they're both definitely coming for Christmas....and paying their own way."

Moses

I could not resist this contribution...

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the
manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head
on the low doorway as he entered the stable.

"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.

"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph "It's much better than
Derek."

before i start i am a kiwi myself.

what do you call a kiwi with a sheep under each arm....
.....
..a pimp.
well i liked it anyway.