Sunday, Apr 01, 2007 at 23:11
After reading about the trailer difflock...here's a bit more nostalga.......
I camped this weekend with a fellow EO member; let’s call him MD so he may remain anonymous.
It was quite a learning experience let me tell you. We were faced with many challenges.
The first lesson was on the way there. Some d!ckhead copper had a go at MD for getting a call on his mobile phone on the way up the Blacktop. Hey! it wasn’t MD’s fault his phone rang was it? The Cop tried to pull us over for about 10K’s before MD finally encouraged him to swerve onto the emergency lane and come to a stop around a tree. We were kind of nervous about it but we were soon chuckling and cracking one-liners on the CB.
My favorite was … “Hey!!! that copper exited the freeway and stacked without indicating. Book him Danno!”.
In town was pretty cool. The chick that was at the grocery
shop was coming onto us by saying cool sexy stuff like “are you boys
camping in the area?” & “That’ll be $56.98c thanks”. It was hot.
MD lost his balance getting into the car but he only ripped his old dacks so that was OK.
We got into camp and there were about 8 motor bikes and a few pop-top vans there. It was a great spot for stretching out and being away from the City.
Lighting the campfire was a bit of a bugger as the spot we got was fairly wet & damp. I gathered up much firewood as I could as MD finished off his last beer. It was amazing to see that he had managed to knock off nearly 12 cans on the way there. He didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and swore black and blue that it was only a 6 can trip, but I counted each and every can as he flung a can out the window on the way through town and into the forest. It was twelve for sure.
We set up camp. Well, I set up my tent and MD said “he’d just F-n sleep under the stars on a tarp … and if it starts to p!ss down, he doesn’t give a bleep .!!!”
It was a learning experience right then and there because I had my $900.00 Seven-man dome tent up with an annex and ground sheet before MD even had a tarp laid on the ground. Apparently the damn bloody crappy rocks we getting in the way of his hammering in, And admittedly he had to hold the 13th beer between his knees too. I asked why he didn’t put his beer down to hammer in the pegs because surely it would make it easier I said and I learnt that a “real man” doesn’t even need bloody pegs so he through the mallet into the back of the Ute and I thought it cracked his rear window but I was wrong. It was the water container and water gushed out and onto my sleeping bag, it was soaked. Luckily as MD explained, I was going to learn to sleep in the cold just like they did 4000 years ago. I was rapt!!!
I had trouble getting the wet timber to light. I was scurrying around the forest floor scavenging every little twig I could find. Every leave and tiny stick I came across was an inch forward toward my hot dinner. We were having a roast. I tried and tried to get the ruddy thing to light but to no avail. MD really saved the day with a tin of petrol he with was saving for a rainy day. And luckily it had been raining all day since I got up.
He scattered my attempt at a fire and all the wood I had gathered for the last hour into oblivion with one cool karate kick.
He pulled a hammy but was able to limp back to the Ute get the petrol and pour it onto a pile of timber that someone stacked to make it look like an outdoor setting. It was arty, but I remember someone saying art was for pufters so it was fair game. It was ablaze quickly, and I think the other campers were amazed at MD’s fire skills as nearly everyone had come to a stop.
They were looking in our direction. They were a bit rude staring. Some were shouting something in our direction but we couldn’t hear them because MD had the stereo pumping out AC/DC by then.
I learnt that it’s The music everyone in the bush loves. It was cool. Real cool.
I kept an eye out for the cash register chick because I though for sure she’d be showing up soon. Maybe she was waiting for me in another campground? Who knows?
I noticed MD going into the dome tent to check it out and he must have tripped or something because the whole thing thrashed to one side and come crashing down. The zip ripped and the material had a tear in it. MD was caught up pretty bad as he was trying to get up and the tearing noise started again. I could hear him swearing and cursing.
He finally cut his way out through the wall and stepped out but slipped on some wet grass and landed on his knife. It was in his rear. You know, … his bottom.
They’re wheeling him out of surgery now and I want to check on him so I’ll write about the rest in another post. Thank God for laptops.
See ya.
MD was excited to see me in the hallway so he tried to get out off the hospital trolley “Hospitals are for pufters” he shouted as he fell off the trolley and onto the hard floor. It has just been mopped and was a bit wet, so as he tried to get up he slipped and landed hard on his ass time and time again. Each landing harder than the landing before. It wasn’t long till he was squealing in pain like a girl. It was kind of funny but don’t tell him I said so.
He just lay there till we picked him up and got him to settle down a bit. “Real men” take a while to settle I thought. I explained to the nurse that he is not usually like that. She just laughed it off and said it was probably the drugs and asked where we were
camping, Hot stuff!
I nearly died there and then. (She) was coming onto me now for goodness sake!!! Aren’t there any single men in this town? What was going on?
A damn fine looking woman too if you get past the body odor and the cigarette smoke-breath. A few new front teeth wouldn’t go astray either. In fact a few of the old teeth had started to work there way astray already.
She reminded me of Zsa Zsa Gabor. But not as pretty.
I figured that MD would go for her and I would go the Checkout Chick.
I just noticed I spelled checkout chick with capital C’s so that must mean I’m in love.
We picked MD up off the floor and he just spat at the nurse.
Ah hah I thought! The drugs again!!! I was learning again.
She was starting to get a bit short with him now. She was raising her voice a little and I did not feel that it was appropriate to speak to a patient in this manner.
I promptly filled out a suggestion sheet and popped it into the suggestion box in the foyer/waiting room. I looked at her … and she looked at me knowingly.
A Doctor came out with some X-rays and a knife blade. Where’s me f-n knife yelled MD? I WANT MY KNIFE!!! Somehow his rectum had dislodged his knife-blade from the bone handle and the handle was used as a piece of ass-bone during the re-creation of his ass in the operation. Without it he may not have walked again. It was a lucky knife.
We’re not in Kansas anymore Toto I thought. And to tell you the truth this was getting a bit weird. Ass-bone and Zsa Zsa Gabor I can handle…
BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN!!! … Eric burst through the door! with a bloody shotgun and popped MD in the knee. Luckily for MD we were in a hospital.
It was just his lucky day.
It turns out that Eric has a soft spot for dome tents and was enraged when he found that MD had sliced his way out the side and had behaved totally irresponsible all day.
Eric was a total bloody shock to me.
Somehow he’d read the story before I had even finished writing it and has concluded that MD needed a gunshot in the knee.
It wasn’t MD’s fault. It was the tent designers fault for not making them safer. I knew I should have bought the $1,500.00 one. I kind of felt I was to blame. Maybe “I” should have been shot and in there with Zsa Zsa.
This strange twist is that he is now in the hospital and has popped one in MD’s knee. Zsa Zsa has thanked him with a peck on the cheek and all the other patients are now roaring cheers and thanks for his handiwork.
Well needless to say that MD had to be wheeled back into surgery and I think they’ve seen enough of him today already.
We’re off to get the tent that MD made me leave there but were dropping Zsa Zsa off to her house on the way.
She’s invited us in for supper seeing as it’s been a long day.
I think she’s got a thing for Eric but I don’t want to go to her house at all. Full stop.
She’s been going on about her little baby and wha wha wha.
You know how old ducks are.
Oh now we’ve got to look at photos.
CRIKEY BURN AND GENERAL JACKSON !!!!!
Her little baby is the bloody checkout chick.
She’s 18 ½ and waiting at home with dinner prepared.
Roast Lamb.
I love
camping.
Leroy
AnswerID:
231126
Follow Up By: Kev M (NSW) - Monday, Apr 02, 2007 at 06:56
Monday, Apr 02, 2007 at 06:56
Leroy,
That should have been posted in the Friday Funnies.
Kev
| Russell Coight:
He was presented with a difficult decision: push on into the stretching deserts, or return home to his wife.Lifetime Member My Profile My Blog Send Message |
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Follow Up By: Mike Harding - Monday, Apr 02, 2007 at 19:22
Monday, Apr 02, 2007 at 19:22
Thanks Leroy, I had forgotten that post - James has a way with words :)
I'm just a little confused (what's new!? :) as to who "MD" might be though... anyone have any ideas...?
Mike Harding
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Follow Up By: Wombat - Tuesday, Apr 03, 2007 at 17:08
Tuesday, Apr 03, 2007 at 17:08
Never explain yourself. Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it.
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