It's Phriday Phunnies Time Again

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "let's do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "well my wife is at home admiring her new car,

Reading the manual." they all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for either sex or golf '

... and she said, "take a sweater."

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper .

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!


Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."


The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the bleep out of the lawyer and says,
"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed
ball right inthe crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the
ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the
doctor. He said "How bad is it doc? ... I'm going on my
honeymoon next week andmy fiance is still a virgin, in every way".

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie
in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be
okay next week." Hetook four tongue depressors and formed a neat little
4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries
her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel
room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She
says, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies... look at this,
still in the CRATE!"

These Cockroaches

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a six foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds and asked the man what happened. The man explained about the six foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said, "That's right . . . there's a very nasty bug going around this week."

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Safeway with her two
kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Safeway, nice children
you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they
bloody aren't! The older is nine and the younger is seven. Why the hell
would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike,
you
bleep ?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would
shag you twice!"

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have recently raised their security level from 'Miffed' to
'Peeved'. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross'. Londoners have not been 'A Bit Cross'
since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from 'Tiresome' to a 'Bloody
Nuisance.' The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning
level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide.' The only two higher levels in France
are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate.' The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire, which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout Loudly and
Excitedly' to 'Elaborate Military Posturing.' Two more levels remain:
'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides'.

The Germans also increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance'
to 'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs'. They also have two higher
levels: 'Invade a Neighbor' and 'Lose.'

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old ones.

I went into gas station and asked for five dollars of gas. The clerk farted and gave me the receipt.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who
stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and
the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and
before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back,
went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'..And before he could say "Fu*k", the
rottweiler ate him!"

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.

"I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the
barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to bred?"

That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Maggie explains very
confidently

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your trousers on."
Cheers,
Bros.

I went to my first Middle Eastern birthday party on Saturday. Musical chairs was ok, but pass the parcel was a real hoot.

I'm not usually one for posting warnings but I had a close call
yesterday.


I walked into Bunning's hardware at lunchtime and this old guy dressed in a red shirt and a green apron asked me if I wanted decking.


Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the bastard out.
Those less suspecting might not be so lucky. Bunnings were less than helpful and in the general mix-up they threw me out and looked after the old git!

There was a bloke who enjoyed a bit of shooting, bear shooting that is.
On one fine sunday morning he went to a section of forest that he had never gone hunting before in.
After a few hours he spots a bear this is the biggest MF bear he has ever seen he lines the bear up in his sight and shoots, the bear stumbels around and the falls down behind a bush the hunter rushes over to find nothing.
Next thing he knows this bear is standing over the top of him, the bear asks him "what do you think your doing"
the hunter replies "i'm just out for a bit of fun"
the bear replies "well i might have a bit of fun with you" so the bear grabs the man and proceeds to F him in the ass.
After half an hour the bear has finished, and says to the hunter the next time i see you in my forest hunting i am going to give you another serving.
The hunter in pain holding his ass leaves the wood muttering to him self i'm going get this bear, so back home he goes to get a high powered rifle.
With the hunter hot on the trails of the horny talking bear he soon finds him lines him up and shoots the bear disappears the hunter runs over to where the bear should be and again no bear, the hunter knows this bear is around some where and what he'll do to the hunter when he finds him.
The next thing the hunter knows the bear has got him in a bear hug and proceeds to F him in the ass after an hour the bear is totally exhausted and says to the hunter if you come back to my woods i am going to keep you as my gimp.
The hunter can bearly walk as he leaves the forest the only thing on his mind is revenge. When he gets home he finds his most powerful rifle and takes a few hand grenades just for good measure.
The hunter had a feeling where this bear would be so off he goes it doesn't take him too long to find the bear he lines him up and lets it rip he has gone thru 100 shoots and both grenades, the forest has been blown apart, the hunter looking at the destruction he has caused thinks there is no way the bear could survive.
So he goes over to where he believes he will find its remains, to his surprise no bear.
The next thing he feels a tap on the shoulder and its the bear, the bear looks him in the eye and says cheekly "your not here for the hunting are you"

Hi All, just letting you know i'm ok. Just got back from the doctor & he said everything is fine. Equine Influenza only affects horses, not those hung like one