oil change procedure

Submitted: Friday, Jun 06, 2003 at 14:09
ThreadID: 5314 Views:1940 Replies:3 FollowUps:3
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Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.


Oil Change $20.00

Coffee $1.00

Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00

2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

(49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.


Parts $50.00

DUI $2500.00

Impound fee $75.00

Bail $1500.00

Beer $40.00

Total-- $4165.00 But you know the job was done right!
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Reply By: Member - Peter (WA) - Friday, Jun 06, 2003 at 15:01

Friday, Jun 06, 2003 at 15:01
once came out to garrage to see my little girl filling up her oil with her mothers very small funnel from the kitchen see was slowly dripping it down the dip stick hole ,her comment was ..now I know why they charge so much to do this ,it really takes a long time before its full???????????????????????Born to drive a 4x4 , not a keyboard
Peter York 4x4
AnswerID: 21988

Follow Up By: Member - Bonz (Vic) - Friday, Jun 06, 2003 at 17:40

Friday, Jun 06, 2003 at 17:40
When you do it that way Peter you have to make sure you dont overflow it, so you stop when the oil is just below the top of the dipstick holder, come to think of it when you are ppouring inm the oil I think one becomes the dipstick holder.

Once a king always a king but once a knight's enoughSo many places to go!
So much work to do :0(
FollowupID: 14437

Reply By: Dave - Friday, Jun 06, 2003 at 18:34

Friday, Jun 06, 2003 at 18:34
Judging by the cussing and quart of oil etc, I can tell you're a Yank.

Welcome to Oz and on behalf of my Aussie brethren thank you for some of the best humour I have read in a long time.

The only thing I want to know is was the beer, Bud Light?

Keep them coming Mate!

Regards from downunder.
AnswerID: 21994

Reply By: Frootbat - Friday, Jun 06, 2003 at 23:24

Friday, Jun 06, 2003 at 23:24
Very amusing.
Very lucky (?) to find your sump plug.

Least you know its been done right. I have searched far and wide for a good reliable mechanic. Seems they no longer exist. Still fixing my vehicle on a regular basis in regret of this fact.
AnswerID: 22009

Follow Up By: Member -BJ (Sydney) - Saturday, Jun 07, 2003 at 13:18

Saturday, Jun 07, 2003 at 13:18
Frootbat, if you live in Sydney my mechanic is excellent been doing my 4by,s & trucks for 15 years , sometimes i think he is to fussy. their name is Willis & son Automotive in Girraween 0296361122 ask for Steve or John can't recomend them highly enough.Regards Bob
3 Weeks till Gulf trip
FollowupID: 14470

Follow Up By: Frootbat - Saturday, Jun 07, 2003 at 19:44

Saturday, Jun 07, 2003 at 19:44
Thanks for the reference. I'm living in Port Hedland.
Mabye I should pop over. Put my mind at rest, to know that somewhere in this country, there's still a reputable, reliable mechanic.
Anybody in WA know of such a creature?
FollowupID: 14482

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