Phriday Phunnies

Doris and Fred


Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.
Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." "What about your husband?" asked the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris. "Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.
The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?" "Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times." "Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

Wife Control
There were three blokes talking in the pub.

Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two blokes were amazed.

"What happened then?" they asked.

She said, "GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!"

Yee hah its POETS day again

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage.
He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card,
And write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

Desert Island
One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship,"he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that ever good!"

She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of good bourbon?"

Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Jesus! ... Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

'Not yet,' she replied



Cheers

Brian

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he goes weak at the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.
-Ever wondered why?


.....Because she smells like a new car.

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.'
'Social Security sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small,
$6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' '

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found
her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony
of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...
he could also fly.'

God Loves Blondes




A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate, so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.

I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....


'Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket.

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped up to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu .

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu .

The aboriginal won.
************************************************

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a
barstool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the
hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please".

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, guys?"

"Off to Britain next month," says John. "We go to Britain every year and
hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, Britain !" says the barman. "Wonderful country . . . the history,
the beer, the culture."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and
Canadian Dry, that is us, eh Jim?"

"So why keep going to Britain ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

************************************************

Why was the Catholic Church using Randwick Raceway for World Youth Day?????


It’s the only place you can legally ride a 3 year old……..

Because I am a Man.....


Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. The RACQ is not an option. I will win.

Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.

Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t a problem.

Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the supermarket, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which ”feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism. ( F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function).

Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an entire show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)…applies to engineers mainly.

Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or sport. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t ask.

Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother’s Day is okay; I don’t need to see it. And don’t forget to pick up something for my Mother too.

Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t…and if you are feeling amorous afterwards…then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a man, , after all, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest… like looking for my socks, or wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walked by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, "We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder."

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, "Isn't that just typically like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length

That story only in Darwin is a classic.
He would have to be sent away for a long time imagine if he done a similar thing in Bali or a place with proper drug punishments.

All the best
Eric

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation
took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build
her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
would remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said
a word, they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to
do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I turned off
my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

"Fishing or Sex?" and she said: "Wear sun-block."

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.


'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?'

A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.
Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him: "So... How do you like using second hand stuff?"

The new husband replies "It isn't all that bad at all really. Past the first 2 inches, it's all brand new."


_______________________________________________________A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven a tall,
Exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......

On one condition'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly And meaningfully said....






'Clean my house.'

Tetanus Shot

An 84 yr old man got up and put on his coat.
His wife says ' Where are you going?'
He said 'I am going to the doctor'
She said ' are you sick?'
He said 'No. I'm going to get me some of those new viagra pills'
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
He said 'Where are you going?'
She said 'I'm going to the doctor too'
He said 'why?'
She said 'If you're gonna start using that rusty old thing, I'm gonna get a
tetanus shot'

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation
took place:

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build
her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said
a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to
do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I turned off
my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'