Its Fridee

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the
Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly,
she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.
I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f*&%ing brick wall."

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestions: Defrost.

Printed on the bottom of Tesco Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down.

On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a toboggan:
Beware: Sledge may develop high speed under certain snow conditions.

On a knife sharpener:
Caution: knives are sharp.

On shin pads for cyclists:
Shin guards cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.

On a take away coffee cup:
Caution: Hot beverages are hot.

Emergency safety procedures at a US summer camp:
In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood proceed uphill quickly.

In a microwave oven manual:
Do not use for drying pets.

On the back of a pilot's seat in a Nato aircraft:
Seat must be facing forward for take-off and landing.

On the bottom of a cola bottle:
Do not open here.

On a Harry Potter wizards broom:
This broom does not actually fly.

On a box of aspirin:
Do not take if allergic to aspirin.

On a bottle of laundry detergent:
Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.

On a muffin packet:
Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.

In a kettle instruction manual:
The appliance is switched on by setting the 'ON/OFF' button to the 'ON' position.

On a ketchup bottle:
Instructions: Put on food.

On a bottle of rum:
Open bottle before drinking.

Rules on a tram in Prague:
Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be persecuted.

Sign on newly-renovated ramp entrance, USA:
Take care: new non-slip surface.

On a can of air freshener:
For use by trained personnel only.

On a bottle of baby lotion:
Keep away from children.

On a pair of socks bought in Egypt:
Do not wash.

On a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle:
Some assembly required.

On a can of pepper spray used for self defense:
May irritate eyes.

On a Frisbee:
Warning: may contain small parts.

In a car handbook:
In order to get out of car, open door, get out lock doors, and then close doors.

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,' Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Mike--Mike.'

'Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Mike--it's me, Joe.'

'You're not Joe. Joe just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,' insists the voice.'

'Joe! Where are you?'

'In heaven', replies Joe. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' says Mike.

The good news,' Joe says,' is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again.

Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' says Mike. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're in the team for Tuesday.'

INDIAN BUSINESS SCHOOL



Rajpat (father): 'I want you to marry a girl of my choice.'


Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!'


Rajpat: 'But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter..'


Son: 'Well, in that case... ok'


Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates.


Rajpat: 'I have a husband for your daughter....'


Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!'


Rajpat: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.'


Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case... ok'


Finally Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.


Rajpat: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'


President: 'But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!'


Rajpat: 'But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.'


President: 'Ah, in that case... ok'


And that my friends is how Indians do business.

What sort of a lift kit does this rig need.........(lol)

Image Could Not Be Found

Donald and Daisy Duck were spending a night in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. "Do you have a condom" she asked"Because we're not having sex if you don't"

Donald frowned and said "No, but maybe they have some at the front desk". So Donald goes down to the front desk and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes we do" the clerk says and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

"Do you want me put that on your bill?" he asks.

"No!" Donald quacked ' What kind of pervert do you think I am!!!"

*******************************************************

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your bleep is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably fishing with his mates!!"

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!!

Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration.
The Immigration Officer said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests except one.
Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia .'

Mujibar said, 'Me ready boss'

The officer said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister Boss, I ready.'

The Officer said, 'Good, go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes, 'green, green, green, green an I pink it up an say, 'Yellow, dis is Mujibar''

Mujibar now 'works' at Telstr*

Mainey . . .

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour :-

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and HerveyBay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is .... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross,! straigh t after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA ! )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
-------------------------------------------------
MM

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears..'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the
doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'


SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

The Dead Cow and Vet School


First-year students at Melbourne Uni Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a veterinarian: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

Cecil and Cedric head into a bar for a drink. Cedric say's to Cecil
what do you want to drink? I'll have a gin thanks Cedric.
As Cedric heads over to the bar, the barman spots him
and thinks to himself, I've got one here, barman says
What can I get you? and Cedric says a couple of
gins thanks. The barman says" we have three kinds of
gin here, Hydrogen, nitogen and Gilby's."
I'll have couple of Gilby's thanks, says Cedric.
When Cedric gets back to Cecil he says" We've
got a smart ars* for a barman", so when I go back up
there to get another drink and you hear me yell
run Cecil run, go for the door flat out and don't stop, ok.?
Ok, so Cedric gets back to the bar and the barman says
"another gin?" and Cedric says" not this time, I'll have a couple
of turds thanks". The barman says "what do you mean ?"
Cedric says "there are three kinds of turds, there's musturd,
custurd, and you , you f#%@*&!! ing big bleep e, RUN Cecil RUN."

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'






New suit - $400
New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6



Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Diff Locks would have helped



.

Image Could Not Be Found


Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no dick '

HOW MUCH THE WORLD HAS CHANGED.......................



AT THIS RATE...... I WOULD HATE
TO THINK WHERE WE WILL BE IN THE NEXT 50 YEARS




SCHOOL
-
1957 vs. 2007



Scenario :



Jack goes rabbit shooting before school, pulls into school parking lot
with rifle in gun rack.



1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his
car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.



2007 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off
to jail and never sees his ute or gun again. Counsellors called in
for traumatized students and teachers.



Scenario:



Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.



1957 - Crowd
gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and
end up buddies.



2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge
them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.







Scenario:



Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.



1957 - Robbie
sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns
to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.



2007 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested
for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Robbie has a disability.







Scenario :



Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping
with his belt.



1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college,
and becomes a successful businessman.



2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed
to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister
that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's
mom has affair with psychologist.







Scenario :



Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.



1957 - Mark
gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.



2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations.
Car searched for drugs and weapons.



Scenario :



Pedro fails high school English.



1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.



2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles
appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement
for graduation is racist.



AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school
system and Pedro's English teacher.. English banned from core curriculum.




Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing
lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.



Scenario :



Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in
a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.



1957 - Ants die.



2007- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called.
Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents,
siblings removed from home, computers confiscated,



Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never
allowed to fly again.



Scenario :



Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He
is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.



1957 - In
a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.



2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

I'm in trouble with the missus again, all because I wouldn't open the car door for her. It wasn't my fault!!!!! I just panicked and swam to the surface.

FIRST EXPLOROZMAN:

I did all of that country in a busted arse old Toyota and an ancient HF for communication

SECOND EXPLOROZMAN:

Busted arse old Toyota and an ancient HF for communication?

FIRST EXPLOROZMAN:

Aye.

SECOND EXPLOROZMAN:

You were lucky. We lived for three months in a paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six in the morning, clean the paper bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down t' mill, fourteen hours a day, week-in week-out, for sixpence a week, and when we got home our Dad would thrash us to sleep wi' his belt.

THIRD EXPLOROZMAN:

Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at six o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of 'ot gravel, work twenty hour day at mill for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would thrash us to sleep with a broken bottle, if we were lucky!

FOURTH EXPLOROZMAN:

Well, of course, we had it tough. We used to 'ave to get up out of shoebox at twelve o'clock at night and lick road clean wit' tongue. We had two bits of cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at mill for sixpence every four years, and when we got home our Dad would slice us in two wit' bread knife.

FIFTH EXPLOROZMAN:

Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah.

FIRST EXPLOROZMAN:

And you try and tell the young people of today that ..... they won't believe you.

ALL:
They won't!

3 guys sitting in a bar having a few drinks , An Aussie , and English man and an Irish man. A big fat woman walks in and makes a b-line for the 3 - she says " If any of you can guess my weight i will come home with you and you can have your way with me!"

she says to the English man who is as ugly as a bag full of a$$&&^s, " YOU FIRST" - English guy looks her up and down --- 220 KGS

"wrong" - she replies " Your next" she says to the Irish man who is just as ugly as the first- he looks her up and down .... "180 Kgs"

"Wrong she says" - shuffles over to the Aussie, which is quiet a handsom guy - " Your guess now"

The Aussie replies- Jesus , You stinking dirty Whore you must be at least 2 tonnes you fat wilder beast"

Woman replied -" yup close enough"


Boc

Important Information on the Stimulus Payment



"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A

format:



"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?



"A. It is money that the federal government will send to Taxpayers.



"Q. Where will the government get this money?



"A. From taxpayers.



"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?



"A. Only a smidgen.



"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?



"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.



"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?



"A. Shut up."

_____________________________________________



Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:



If you spend that money at K-Mart, all the money will go to China.



If you spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.



If you purchase a computer it will go to India.



If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to South East Asia or New Zealand (unless you buy organic).



If you buy a car it will go to Japan.



If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.



And none of it will help the economy.



We need to keep that money here. You can keep the money here by spending it at garage sales, going to a football game, or spending it on prostitutes, beer or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still here. ------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Rules of Bedroom Golf:

1.

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2.

Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6.

Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.
7.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
8.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
9.

Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
10.

Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
11.

Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.
12.

The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
13.

Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.
14.

Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.
15.

It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.