Fryday 13th Funnies

The Squirrel and The Grasshopper

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GLOBAL VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

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AUSTRALIAN VERSION


The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Housing Commission of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing 'We Shall Overcome'.

Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was doing on his home, and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a Housing Commission house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society - in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Australia as they had to share their country of origin with mice.

On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Australians' apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing, but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.

The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the Housing Commission house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs.

Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'Illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment since arrival in Australia.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.

Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10 million and state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers.

Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Australia's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.

The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid $1 million each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in Australia.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

MikeR in the first thread forgot about the wonderful things in cars called 8 track cartridges that usually lasted a couple of listens then desroyed the music you had paid for in a mess of chewed up tape.....ahh those are the days!

Gosh Mike you kids had it easy you wouldnt have lasted 5 minutes in 1960 and before. Ha Ha Ha.
Ian

Funny thing Mike,about all this is that our generation is what made it easier for the little Blighter's. Sa did the one before us,Hahaha

The Old saying what comes around go's around

Bob..

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A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" she asks.

"I think I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

"You rotten Bitch", she screams, "My husband's having a bloody heart attack, and you're running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids!!"

Maîneÿ . . .

Just renewed my subscription to my favourite 4x4 magazine and they offered me this. Thought it'd be a good read for a few blokes I know on this site LOL. Appearently next issue has a very relevant article "The new GPS or her shoes...it's your happiness"

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I'm sure you already know all this, but just in case there's a few things
you aren't aware of..............

WD-40 Well, Who Knew...?
I had a neighbour who had bought a new ute. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige ute (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open. Another neighbour came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the ute. I'm impressed!

WD-40 who knew?
Water Displacement #40. The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth Formulation, thus WD-40.
The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts.
One of the original founders says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you. When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stovetop... Voila! It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.

Here are some of the uses:

1) Protects silver from tarnishing.
2) Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3) Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4) Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery.
5) Keeps flies off cows.
6) Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7) Removes lipstick stains.
8) Loosens stubborn zippers.
9) Untangles jewellery chains.
10) Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11) Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12) Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13) Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14) Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
15) Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16) Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17) Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes
18) It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish an you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off.
19) Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
20) Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21) Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
22) Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23) Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24) Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25) Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26) Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27) Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28) Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29) Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30) Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31) Removes splattered grease on stove.
32) Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33) Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34) Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35) Removes all traces of duct tape.
36) Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain
37) Florida's favourite use is: "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers."
38) The favourite use in the state of New York WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39) WD-40 attracts fish, spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will becatching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper Than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose.
40) Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41) WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42) Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and re-wash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
43) If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.

The basic ingredient is FISH OIL.
It is good for oven burns or any other type of burn. It takes the burned feeling away.

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the altar.


Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his
presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, 'Don't you know who I am?

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realise I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan?

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 44 years.'


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It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and he was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee please back up to the men's tee!!"

Our man was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."

Our golfer simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more the man yelled:

"Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE?"

Finally our focused golfer stopped. He turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second stroke?"


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A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother: "Who's this guy on the beach with you
with all the muscles and curly hair?"

"That's your father."

"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"

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An Aboriginal picks up a hooker.

'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

He says 'Do you do Aboriginal style?'

'No' she says.

'I pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style'

'No', she says, not knowing what Aboriginal style is.

'I pay you $300'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Aboriginal style."

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Aboriginal Style be?''.

So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Aboriginal style'?'




The Aboriginal replies 'You send da bill to da Gub'ment'.

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel, found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God, "where have you been?" God pointed down through the clouds, "Look Micheal, look what I have made" said God.

Archangel Micheal looked puzzled and said, " What is It ?" God replied, " its a planet, & I have put life on it. I am going to call it Earth & it is going to be a place of great balance". "Balance?" enquired Micheal, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth, " For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity & wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be hot spot & Russia will be a cold spot".

"Over there I have placed a continent of white people & here I have placed a continent of black people." God continued pointing to different countries, " this one will be extremely hot and arid & this one will be very cold & covered in ice".

The Archangel was impressed with God's work & then pointed to another area of land and asked "What is that?"

"Ah" said God, "that's New South Wales, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful Catholic people, impressive towns, it is the home of the worlds finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers & explorers. It possesses a climate such as you would only find in Heaven & an unbeatable team of footballers that even the devil himself is fearful of". The people of NSW are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous & they are going to be found travelling Oz & the whole world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working & high achieving, and they shall be known throughout the worlds as speakers of truth."

Micheal gasped in wonder & admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be balance!"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wankers I am putting in Queensland".

Subject: Double Entendres


Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio




1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator

"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria.
I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"


2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'


3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator -

"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."


4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -

"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President

is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."


5. US PGA Commentator -

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is
that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"


6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."


7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,

"So Bob,where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!



8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:

"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."


9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:

"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."


10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:

"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."


11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male

astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:

"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."



12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:


"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.

The following week she asked each child in turn what they had learned.

Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red ute but he doesn't know how to drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red ute pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

I don't know about the under 30s crowd? I am now 70+ and feel real sorry for the younger generation. OK so they have all those fancy gismos. Do they do them any good? A high proportion leave school barely able to read and write.
If they want to buy a house they get in debt for far too long and it takes two pay packets to pay for it, which leaves any young kids in child care. Our mums looked after us.
We used to go to school on our bikes. No free rides in Mum's car.
When was the last time you saw kids playing football or cricket in the street? No they are playing with their computers and sending e-mails to one another.
We never knew what drugs were and therefore we didn't have to beet up old ladies to feed our addiction.
Paedophiles? Who are they? Oh what a wonderful world we live in now?????
Television? So much violence and American crap, no wonder the kids are going a stray.
No fast food outlets, except maybe a fish and chip shop. Less obese kids then.
Food rationing (I grew up during the blitz in London) People were much fitter then as they could not over indulge in food.
That's my two bobs worth. Call me a winger if you like but I believe that we were much better off in those days, healthier and less in debt.

A fellow stopped at a rural petrol station, filled his tank, and took a break by his car while drinking a coke.

As he relaxed, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole.

The men worked right past the man and continued on down the road.

Overcome by curiosity, the fellow headed in their direction. "Hey there," he said. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"We work for the local government," one of them said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. What's up with that?" the man asked.

"Well," the worker replied, "normally there's three of us - me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back, but Rodney's out sick."

"So what does the work you're doing accomplish?" asked the man, not quite believing what he was seeing.

"Well," Mike said. "Just because Rodney's out sick, that don't mean we can't work, right?"

LOL That is SO true!!!!!! this has made my morning so much better!!! I needed a good laugh

Cheers
Caroline

Kevin The Rooster

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters,
to fertilise the pullets' eggs. Trevor kept records and any rooster that
didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an
awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them
to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell
from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the
verandah and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the
bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was Kevin, and a very fine specimen he
was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Kevin's bell
hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Kevin had
his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do
his job and walk on to the next one. Trevor was so proud of Kevin, he
entered him into the Brisbane Royal Show and Kevin became an overnight
sensation among the judges.

The Result?

The judges not only awarded Kevin the No Bell Piece Prize but they also
awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Kevin was a politician
in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two
of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at
sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying
attention.

Do you know a Pulletician called Kevin?..

Lesson number one
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”
The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson number two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree - he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull bleep might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

This post has been read by the moderation team and has been moderated due to a breach of The Foul Language Rule .

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