Funnies, where did they go?

Gone, they were there a while ago . .

They have been moderated, I don't know why. I havent seen anything about it on the Forum, but a few minutes ago I sent an Email to David & Michelle to see if I could find out why. Maybe it has something to do with the filth that has been the content of supposed humour in recent times?

. 2 women in heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.
2nd woman: Hi! I’m Sylvia. How’d you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched ,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer---we’d both still be alive.

Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes (cricket) tournament.
4. The pope died

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes (cricket) tournament
4. The pope died

Lesson to be learned:

The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.!!!

A SMALL GLIMMER OF HOPE IN THE GLOOM !












'Viagra' is now available

in powder form

for your tea.










It doesn't enhance your sexual performance

but it does stop your biscuit going soft..

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap.

After friday funnknee disappeared, I thought I would put this one back up as it is a bit of a giggle . . . .

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Jose, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon. I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee..'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Jose, Jose, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget.'

'Jose when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smells like bacon.... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Jose following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Jose with his dying breath.

'Jose... go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis! Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Jose... ees not a bacon tree...


Ees

Ees


Ees



Ees


Eees a ham bush!.

. . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . etc . .


Spell check used sparingly . . .

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire (U.K.)

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)


Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE, YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT ?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS'

The room erupted in applause!

>
> A
> woman takes a
> lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
>
> Her
> 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in
> the bedroom
> cupboard to watch.
>
>
>
> The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the
> cupboard,
> not realising that the little boy is in there already.
>
>
>
> The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
>
> The man says, 'Yes, it
> is.'
>
>
>
> Boy - 'I have a football.'
>
> Man - 'That's nice.'
>
>
>
> Boy 'Want to buy it?'
>
> Man - 'No, thanks.'
>
>
>
> Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
>
> Man - 'OK, how much?'
>
> Boy - '$250.00'
>
>
>
> In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
> are
> in the cupboard together.
>
>
>
> Boy - 'Dark in here.'
>
> man - 'Yes, it is.'
>
> Boy - 'I have football boots.'
>
> The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
>
>
>
> Boy - '$750.00'
>
> man - 'Sold.'
>
>
>
> A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your
> boots and
> football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. >
>
> The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
>
> The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
>
> Boy -'$1,000.00'
>
>
>
> The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
> that.
>
> That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you
> to church and make you confess.'
>
>
>
> They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in
> the confession booth and he closes the
> door.
>
>
>
> The
> boy says, 'Dark in here.'
>
> The priest says, 'Don't start that sh*t again.
You're in my cupboard now'