Phriday Phunnies

*LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER* .....



Judy got married and had 8 children.

Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and her & Bob had 6 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again, remarried,.... and this time, her & John had 5 more children.


Judy finally died, after having 19 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:



"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:.......




"I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

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AIDS WARNING !


To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this is especially for you......... ...



SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!



HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!



Not forgetting HIV

(Hair is Vanishing)

Wheelie bin!!!


A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.

"Gudday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No! no! mate, where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I tor you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me.
Where's you’re 'w h e e l i e' bin?'"

"OK, OK." replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.....

I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife's sista!""

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The Politician


On a recent trip to the U.S.A. Opposition leader Tony Abbot was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in Kitimat, B.C. due to his experiences in handling the Australian Indigenous intervention in Northern Australia.
He spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First Nation’s present standard of living.
At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Opposition leader with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name-Walking Eagle.
The proud Abbot then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left.
A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Abbot. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of crap, it can no longer fly.

TEN REASONS WHY MEN PREFER GUNS TO WOMEN.


10. You can trade an old 44 for two new 22's.
9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
6. Your gun will stay with you even if... See more you run out of ammo.
5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....


WARNING; If you telling this yarn to a woman, I would suggest that you prepare your self to start running or protect yourself.



1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN


Ducking for cover right now ;)

A man walks into an outback pub. After a while he notices a jar of money on the counter with a notice on it saying "make the donkey laugh and get the money". He asked the barman what the deal was. The barman said the donkeys partner died a while ago and ever since he has been really sad just standing around. If you can make him laugh you get all the money.
The man goes out the back, whispers in the donkeys ear and the donkey starting laughing uncontrollably. The man walks inside picks up the jar and goes to leave. The barman asked what he said to the donkey. Trade secret the man says, I can't tell you.
6 months later the same man returns to the bar and notices another jar full of money with a note that says "shut the donkey up and get the money". Again he asks what's the deal. The barman says since you were here last time the donkey hasn't shutup, it's getting really annoying. If you can make him shutup you get the money. The man walks out to the donkey and returns shortly and there is complete silence. The barman aksed what he did to make the donkey laugh and then to shut him up. The man says to make him laugh I told him I had a bigger "old fella" than he did. The barman says "well how did you stop him laughing". The man replies" I showed him".

The Australia Dunny
They were funny looking buildings, that were once a way of life,
If you couldn't sprint the distance, then you really were in strife.
They were nailed, they were wired, but were mostly falling down,
There was one in every yard, in every house, in every town. Image Could Not Be Found
They were given many names, some were even funny,
But to most of us, we knew them as the outhouse or the dunny.
I've seen some of them all gussied up, with painted doors and all,
But it really made no difference, they were just a port of call.
Now my old man would take a bet, he'd lay an even pound,
That you wouldn't make the dunny with them turkeys hangin' round.
They had so many uses, these buildings out the back,"
You could even hide from mother, so you wouldn't get the strap.
That's why we had good cricketers, never mind the bumps,
We used the pathway for the wicket and the dunny door for stumps.
Now my old man would sit for hours, the smell would rot your socks,
He read the daily back to front in that good old thunder-box.
And if by chance that nature called sometime through the night,
You always sent the dog in first, for there was no flamin' light.
And the dunny seemed to be the place where crawlies liked to hide,
But never ever showed themselves until you sat inside.

There was no such thing as Sorbent, no tissues there at all,
Just squares of well read newspaper, a hangin' on the wall.
If you had some friendly neighbours, as neighbours sometimes are,
You could sit and chat to them, if you left the door ajar.

When suddenly you got the urge, and down the track you fled,
Then of course the magpies were there to peck you on your head.
Then the time there was a wet, the rain it never stopped,
If you had an urgent call, you ran between the drops.
The dunny man came once a week, to these buildings out the back,
And he would leave an extra can, if you left for him a zac.
For those of you who've no idea what I mean by a zac,
Then you're too young to have ever had, a dunny out the back.
For it seems today they call them the bathroom, or the loo,
If you've never had one out the back, then I feel sorry for you.
For it used to be a way of life, to race along the track,
To answer natures call, at these buildings out the back.

Image Could Not Be Found

A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CANBERRA


TRUE STORY:




A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function
where Penny Wong happened to appear. Ms Wong took the opportunity to
Schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which
he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a
mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which
anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that
puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Wong .

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world
and died during one of them. Which one?''


Wong thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You
wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I
don't know much about history.

..... and she represented us in Copenhagen !

We should well be worried, very worried !

THE SHIDUCH (ARRANGED MARRIAGE)


A good Hassidic family is most concerned that their 30-year-old son is unmarried.









So, they call a marriage broker and ask him to find their son a good wife. The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking questions of the son and his parents as to what they want in a wife/daughter-in-law. They give him a long shopping list of requirements.


The marriage broker takes a long time looking, and finally asks to visit the family again. He then tells them of a wonderful woman he has found.


He says she's just the right age for the son. She keeps a Glatt Kosher home, she regularly attends synagogue and knows the prayers by heart, and she’s a wonderful cook. She loves children and wants a large family. And, to crown it all off, she's gorgeous.


After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.


But the son pauses and asks inappropriately: 'Is she also good in bed?'


The marriage broker answers, 'Some say yes, some say no....'

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life.

1. It's important to have a women who helps at home,
cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and
who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and
who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not
know each other.


Sincerely

Tiger Woods

A man rang the local hospital and told them in a distressed voice " I need help! I think I am incontinent!"

The hospital operator replied "Where are you ringing from?"

And the man said "FROM THE WAIST DOWN"

While sewing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Aussie farmer, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Kevin Rudd and his role as our Prime Minister. The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, in my opinion, Rudd is a 'Post Turtle''. . Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was. The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'. The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb B put him up there to begin with.
Image Could Not Be Found

.

You think English is easy???

Read to the end . . . a new twist

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line..

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

You think English is easy?




1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France ..
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and
hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

You lovers of the English language
might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that is 'UP..'

It's easy to understand
UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is s pecial.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you areUP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP...

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so......it is time to shut UP!

Oh . .. . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P!

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 000 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . .. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . . . ... .. . . . . . . . . . .
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN.....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.

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SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

===========================================
BIBLE SALESMAN
A preacher concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately-needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?'

Proudly handing the minister an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.'

'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'

Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?'

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'

The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?'

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could.'

'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'

Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'

'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.


When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday
morning". Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people
nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for
trouble "Oh no, my dear," replied granny.
"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the
best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm, nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive
If Mr Whippy hadn't come along.

Cheers Wilko

This post has been read by the moderation team and has been moderated due to a breach of The Foul Language Rule .

Forum Moderation Team

Talk about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder...


I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her.


Unfortunately, she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head so I shot her!!

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured
a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really
tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed
up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says..


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff

Trip with the boys




Four blokes spend weeks planning the perfect camping and fishing trip to a remote and disconnected spot.
Two days before they are due to leave, Dave's wife puts her foot down and tells him he's not going.
His mates are naturally bleep ed off that he can't go, but what can they do, they decide to push on.

Two days later the three fellas arrive at the remote camp site to find Dave sitting there with a tent set up,
firewood gathered, beer open and fish cooking on the fire.

Steve: 'Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?'

Dave: 'I've been here since last night. Yesterday afternoon I was
sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who?'

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie.

She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed were handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, so I did.'

'And then she said:' 'Do whatever you want.'

So here I am..