Phriday Phunnies

When you think you’re having a bad day ...............read this and know that it could have been worse.








While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her Grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.

She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?’

He says, ‘Madam, I’m completely blind but, if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.’

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, ‘That’s a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg test line. It’s a good all around combination, and it’s on sale this week for $44.’

She says, ‘It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!’

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

‘Oh, That sounds like a Visa card’, says the salesman.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally breaks wind.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the Blind salesman could tell it was she who had done it.

The salesman rings up the sale and says, ‘That will be $58.50 please.’

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ‘Didn’t You tell me it was on sale for $44? How did you get to $58.50?’

He says, ‘The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.’

Stu & Bob,

It could have been worse you could have been bidding on a Cheater outfit and now be faced with owning the Melbourne Storm ;)


Cheers Kev

Well, with all the heated discussions recently on solar panels, power, etc, I thought it was a good time to post a wiring diagram which should clarify the issue once and for all...

circuit diagram

CIA Assassin test
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

How fast can you guess the words?

1. B o o _ s

2. _ _ n d o m

3. F _ _ k

4. P _ n _ s

5. P u _ s _



Answers Below, Don't cheat























Answers

1. Books

2. Random

3. Fork

4. Pants

5. Pulse

You got all 5 wrong DIDN'T YOU

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey"

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH"

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked

"Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered

"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked,

"OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said

"One!"

The manager groaned and continued,

"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The Aussie Answered "£124,237.64. pounds"

The manager choked and exclaimed

"124,237.64 POUNDS!! What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat,

so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think

his Honda Civic would pull it, soI took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said

"You mean to tell m e....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."

A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until The man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, But there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear :

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

---------------------------------

My apologies to kiwi's again :))))

This post has been read by the moderation team and has been moderated due to a breach of The Moderation Complaints Rule .

Forum Moderation Team

Carl Williams' Dad went to see him last week.

He said, "Jeez you're getting fat Son, an exercise bike wouldn't kill you"...

Two Members of King Arthur's Round Table road up to a Motel and asked for a room for Two Nights :- ))

1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you see in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than Pregnant.

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees! 'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.....

At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped. The bear froze.. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:


‘For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful.’

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."


To make a woman happy.....


A man only needs to be:



1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes





&
How To Make a Man Happy:


A Women needs to :


1. Leave him alone

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!

And u think your job is crappy,try this

Go into any chemist shop,look for Johnson&Johnson Anal therometers, open box,look at instructions for use,on second page at the bottom it says

These therometers are personally tested before distribution.