FRyday Phunnies

Submitted: Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 00:40

ThreadID: 79620 Views:4862 Replies:11 FollowUps:4

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Member - Christopher P (NSW)

1) Why are men like lawn mowers?
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

2) How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you
found
out you didn't need it anyway.

3) What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

4) How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

5) What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need ........
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

6) How does a man keep his youth?
By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

7) What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

8) Where do you have to go to find a man

The Teacher calls on Little Johnny. "Johnny," she says, "I have
a math question for you." Little Johnny says, "Okay, fire away!"
The teacher says, "There are three crows sitting on a fence. A
hunter shoots one. How many are left?" Little Johnny quickly
responds,"None!" The teacher asks, "Could you explain that
answer?" Little Johnny says, "Sure. The crow that gets shot,
falls off the fence dead, and the other two fly away, afraid of
the noise." "Actually", the teacher replies, "The answer is two,
BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE THINKING!" Little Johnny says, "Now I
have a question for you!" The teacher says, "Go ahead!" Little
Johnny says, "There are three women walking down the street
eating ice cream cones. One of them is licking it, one of them
is sucking it, and one of them is biting it. Which one is
married?" After thinking for a moment, the teacher responds,
"The one who is sucking it." "Actually," replies Johnny, "It's
the one wearing the wedding ring, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE
THINKING!"

Crazy Mike, the Biker, walks into a pharmacy and says to the
pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.
I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep
me horny . . . keep potent." The pharmacist reaches under the
counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small
cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength"and
says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"
Crazy Mike says, "Gimme 3 boxes." The next day, Crazy Mike walks
into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls
down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices
the man's bleep is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off
in some places. Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."
The pharmracist replies, "BEN GAY?!?!?! You're not going to put
Ben Gay on THAT, are you?" Crazy Mike says, "Naw, it's for my
arms. The girls didn't show up!!

Dont you Remember?

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him
he owes $4.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the
customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you
did."The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees
that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have
paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later
pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid,
I'll take your word for it. "Soon the customer goes into the
street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when,
suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny
thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer,
neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who
tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't
bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds."Just
give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Dating vs. Marriage

When you are dating...farting is never an issue
When you are married...You make sure there's nothing flammable
near your husband at all times.
When you are dating...He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married...He brings home a 6-pack, and says "What
are you going to drink?"
When you are dating...He holds your hand in public.
When you are married...He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating...A single bed for 2 isn't that bad.
When you are married...A king size bed feels like an Army cot.
When you are dating...You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married...You think to yourself... "was he always
this hairy?"
When you are dating...You enjoy foreplay.
When you are married...You tell him "If we have sex, will you
leave me alone?"
When you are dating...He hugs you, when he walks by you for no
apparent reason.
When you are married...he grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating...You picture the two of you together,
growing old together.
When you are married...You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating...Just looking at him makes you feel all
"mushy"
When you are married...When you look at him, you want to claw at
his eyes.
When you are dating...He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married...The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes
storage.
When you are dating...He understands if you "aren't in the mood".
When you are married...He says it's your job.
When you are dating...He understands that you have "male"
friends.
When you are married...He thinks they are all out to steal you
away.
When you are dating...He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married...He develops a "blank" stare.
When you are dating...He calls you by name.
When you are married...He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when
speaking to others as "She."

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying
a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the
president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a
lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff
finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is
always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she
would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the
cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course
curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her,
"Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where
did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old
woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your
balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid
bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady
challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the
president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The
little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of
money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00
AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls,
turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly
checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no
way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady
appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She
introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:
"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president
agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his
pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little
old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could
feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of
money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he
noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against
the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the
matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him
$100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's
president's balls in my hand

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Reply By: Member - Christopher P (NSW) - Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 00:41

Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 00:41

Nothing short i promise. All of the joke/s are there, i double checked

AnswerID: 422045

Reply By: Member - Christopher P (NSW) - Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 00:48

Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 00:48

The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:

FIRST THE WOMEN=20

40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height............. Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST=20

40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, &
back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but
she's not interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror
admiring myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother
on Easter Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer

AnswerID: 422046

Reply By: Member - Christopher P (NSW) - Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 00:52

Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 00:52

Subject: Looney Tunes Personality Test

Which is your Favorite Character?

1) Tazmanian Devil
2) Tweety
3) Marvin the Martian
4) Scooby Doo
5) Daffy Duck
6) Peppe Le Pew
7) Sylvester
8) Speedy Gonzalos
9) Bugs Bunny

By picking this favorite character....we can tell now what
kind of person, you are!!!...HMMMMM, do we really what to know?
ROFL GOT YOUR CHARACTER ???

CAN'T CHANGE YOUR MIND NOW!!

Please Standby.....Wait a SEC.....No Fair Peeking !!! >> =3Do)
.................................................................
........
....
...........................................
.
If you Like .......

1) Tazmanian Devil-=3DA0 You are Wacky and Crazy!!! You Are the
Center of attention at parties. You love Food and are always
Causing Chaos. When you are on a date, you're the one who makes
the 1st move. Love comes and goes for you. Can you Say * PLAYER*
?!?

2) Tweety- aaaaw you're soo CUTE!! Everyone Loves you cause your
so adorable physically and mentally. Face it, People are Jealous
of you. Love is always there for you. You're the typical
*Long-Relationship* Kinda person. You LOVE Cuddling But P.D.A is
not your style. If something goes wrong in relationships
(Family, etc...) you always go to your friends for advice.
Tweety-Lovers are great listeners.

3) Marvin the Martian- You are DEFINETELY in control of your
life. People say you're a *Control Freak*. You're the kind of
person that is ALWAYS Paranoid with unimportant issues, But
that's ok cause there is always someone there to relieve that
paranoia. Love is very valuable to you. Relationships have been
Hardships for you but just remember that you're in control.

4) Scooby Doo- Lets face it, people around you find you quite
annoying sometimes. Whether it'd be the whining or Gnagging, but
it's driving your friends Crazy. If you have problems in life,
just keep them on the *DL*. To get on the Positive side of
things, you are very helpful and you love to solve mysteries and
problems. Love is a condition far away from your mind. The best
advice for Scooby doo Lovers is to Deal with your problems on
your OWN.

5) Daffy Duck- You are annoying in this cute way. People love
being around you because of your utter Goofiness. Making People
Laugh is your specialty. Daffy Lovers think there is a soulmate
out there for everyone. Love is something you haven't found
deeply yet but the *soulmate* will be there, CLOSER than you
think. Humm, this was Maggie

6) Peppe le Piu- You are the sweetest and most lovable person
there is.Guys/Girls love being around your *Charmed* personality.
When there is something you want, you will TRY to get it, No
question about it, Peppe-Lovers don't take NO for an answer. It's
Hard to please you but it's very easy for you to please others
with your endearing inner-self. Love is here for you and always
will be. Not only talking about b/fs-g/fs, but Family or friends.
If someone lets you down, there is always someone else that loves
you and is there. I'd have to say that Peppe-lovers are the
luckiest.

7) Sylvester- You are very Fun-Loving and easy to please. People
always are talking behind your back because of their utter
jealousy. Laughing is what you do best. Crying comes once in a
life time for you. You are very Unique in a good way. People want
to be like you and find you as a *Cool* person. Love is easy for
you to find. Your motto would probably be "Smile"

8) Speedy Gonzalos- You are ambitious and always heading for your
goal.You are a very *Fast* thinker and intelligent. It's often =
Genetic in Speedy- Lovers. Love comes once in a life-time,
unfortunately,but you always have your family supporting you.
For you, FAMILY always comes 1st.

9) Bugs Bunny- You are definetely the greatest friend a person
can ever have.You're wise and always thinking of ideas.
Bugs-lovers have nothing to worry about in life cause you always
have solutions for everthing. Love is ALWAYS there for you.
Fooling around is your specialty. The word Relationship is not.

AnswerID: 422047

Reply By: Cruiser .- Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 08:03

Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 08:03

One cold winter's morning in late June Tony Abbott approaches the Canberra Lodge. He speaks to Commonwealth security standing guard and says, "I would like to go in and meet with the Prime Minister Kevin Rudd."

The Guard looks at him and replies, "Sir, Mr. Rudd is no longer Prime Minister and no longer resides here."

"Okay", says Tony and walks away.

The following day, Tony again approaches the Lodge and says "I would like to go in and meet with the Prime Minister Kevin Rudd."

The Guard again told him, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr.Kevin Rudd is no longer the Prime Minister and no longer resides here."

Tony just thanks him and, again, walks away.

The third day, Tony again approaches the Lodge and speaks to the very same Guard saying, "I would like to go in and meet with Prime Minister Kevin Rudd"

The Guard, understandably agitated at this point, looks at Tony and says,

"Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Rudd I've told you already that Mr.Rudd is no longer Prime Minister and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

Tony looked at the Guard and explained, "Oh, I understand. it's just that I love hearing you say it."

The Guard snapped to attention and saluted,

"See you tomorrow, Sir."

AnswerID: 422066

Follow Up By: Member - Traveller (QLD) - Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 08:53

Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 08:53

LOL, go to the top of the class!

FollowupID: 692426

Reply By: Best Off Road - Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 10:04

Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 10:04

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat, a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher
came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly
and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about
one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what
you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain
it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that
Plato was shagging his wife.

AnswerID: 422075

Reply By: Member - Patrick (QLD) - Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 11:46

Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 11:46

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and
Family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say
About you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the
Greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
Husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
Children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies,

"I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

*******************************************************
The Queen and Dolly go to heaven

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, the angel tells them that there's only one space left that day, So the Angel must decide which of them gets in...

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down, then wee’s into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wee's into a Toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair every time no matter how big they are!

AnswerID: 422083

Follow Up By: Member - Christopher P (NSW) - Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 11:52

Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 11:52

LMAO LMAO LMAO

a royal flush, LMAO

i Like it!!!!

Thank you for putting a smile on my face

FollowupID: 692446

Follow Up By: Nargun51 - Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 12:07

Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 12:07

About 30 years ago I worked across from the then Melbourne City Square (with its water wall), which was to be opened by the Queen

We all gathered at the windows to get a glimpse of Her Majesty standing at the top of the water wall and hear her over the PA’s.

She finally declared the square open and pulled a lever which allowed a trickle of water to slowly course its way down the wall.

Suddenly a voice from another window was heard to explain; “The Royal We”

The laughter totally ruined the majesty of the event!

FollowupID: 692447

Reply By: Andrea11 - Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 13:11

Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 13:11

This post has been read by the moderation team and has been moderated due to a breach of The Inappropriate Rule

.

Forum Moderation Team

AnswerID: 422092

Reply By: Mad Cowz (VIC) - Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 17:40

Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 17:40

What has Australia got in common with McDonalds?

Both are run by a red-headed clown.

MadCowz

Carpe Cerevisi

Lifetime Member
My Profile Send Message

AnswerID: 422114

Reply By: Member - Old Girl (QLD) - Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 18:20

Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 18:20

RUDDS SUPER MINING TAX EXPLAINED VIA THE "BEER ECONOMY" FOR THE AVERAGE JOE....

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this;

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1
The sixth would pay $3
The seventh would pay $7
The eighth would pay $12
The ninth would pay $18
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59

So, that's what they decided to do..

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with
the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to
reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20". Drinks for the ten men
would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

So the first four men were unaffected.

They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers?

How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33.
But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the
sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each
man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the
principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to
work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).

The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four
continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began
to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar
too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back,
when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get
anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine
sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to
pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have
enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is
how our tax system works.

The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the
most benefit from a tax reduction..

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may
not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is
somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

AnswerID: 422116

Follow Up By: 3GoBush - Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 21:43

Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 21:43

I do understand, that my friend is how Howard got the boot, because this is how the Howard government run the show for nearly 12 years.

ROTFLMAO

FollowupID: 692506

Reply By: Member - Mark G Gulmarrad - Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 18:31

Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 18:31

Skinny Dippers

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

AnswerID: 422118

Reply By: Member - Doug T (NT) - Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 22:45

Friday, Jun 25, 2010 at 22:45

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Sun Grilled Tourist: £5.00
Broiled Missionary: £7.00
Fried Explorer with garlic: £9.00
Freshly Baked: Politicians £150.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a huge price difference for the Politicians?'

The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of Crap, it takes all morning!'