FR!DAY FUNNIES

Submitted: Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 06:00
ThreadID: 80407 Views:6200 Replies:12 FollowUps:9
This Thread has been Archived
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having it again tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than she though I was.

Maîneÿ . . .
Back Expand Un-Read 0 Moderator

Reply By: Hairs & Fysh - Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 06:27

Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 06:27
WORK TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK ...

1. Open a new folder in your computer.

2. Name it "Julia Gillard".

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you. "Are you sure you want to Delete Julia Gillard?"
Image Could Not Be Found
6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better?

Tomorrow we'll do Wayne Swan.

It worked on Kevin Rudd.



AnswerID: 425713

Reply By: Member - Matt M (ACT) - Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 06:29

Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 06:29
My daughter wanted an iPod for her Birthday, so I got her one. My Son looked at this and decided it was pretty cool, so I bought him an iTouch. Having had a play with both of them, I decided to get myself an iPad which was really good. My wife thought these were all pretty good as well, so I bought her an iRon......and that's when the trouble started.
AnswerID: 425715

Follow Up By: townsville - Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 07:58

Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 07:58
NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there..
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick
and bring her out of the coma'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room.
'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.











0
FollowupID: 696241

Follow Up By: Member No 1- Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 08:33

Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 08:33
“IRON MAN”, is a SUPERHERO.


“IRON WOMAN”, is a COMMAND.



0
FollowupID: 696243

Follow Up By: keviny6 - Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 08:47

Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 08:47
must be getting old ---never even raised a smile
0
FollowupID: 696245

Follow Up By: OREJAP - Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 09:39

Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 09:39
Aussie Poem

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks, checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.
He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'till she karked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.
He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would surely drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam
The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.
The local stock rep. came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly, "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"
The stock rep. didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!



My Kindest Regards,
Monty W.

0
FollowupID: 696249

Follow Up By: Expletive - Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 12:43

Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 12:43
Good Poem Monty,thanks for sharing with us.



Bob.
0
FollowupID: 696263

Reply By: Fred G NSW - Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 09:51

Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 09:51
English Signs from Around the World.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. (My favorite)

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

AnswerID: 425726

Reply By: Member - KC (TAS) - Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 12:28

Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 12:28
So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"

"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"

"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall leprechaun out of his shirt pocket.

The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"

"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three-inch tall man supped back his whiskey.

"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"

With that the guy flips a coin down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.

"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"

"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor an ***hole."
AnswerID: 425738

Follow Up By: Member - steve. B... (NSW) - Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 13:55

Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 13:55
A man dying in hospital is being comforted by his dear wife. He looks up at her and says in a weak voice, Darling I have to confess something to you. The wife says, don't worry yourself dear, everything will be al;right. The husband says, I have to get this off my mind. I slept with your sister, your best friend Lucy, your Secretary and your Mother. Please forgive me Darling. The wife looks at her husband and says, I forgive you darling. I honestly forgive you. Now settle down and take things easy, while the poison does it work........:-((((((

Lifetime Member
My Profile  My Blog  Send Message

0
FollowupID: 696273

Reply By: Member - Doug T (NT) - Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 13:56

Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 13:56
At the end of the tax year, the ATO (Australian Tax Office) office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.. While the ATO agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said,
"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question

. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO..

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the ATO office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
gift by Daughter

Lifetime Member
My Profile  My Blog  Send Message

AnswerID: 425746

Follow Up By: Member - KC (TAS) - Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 16:08

Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 16:08
Now that's funny. Good one Doug T.
0
FollowupID: 696277

Reply By: you eat the bear - Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 15:32

Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 15:32
A couple of weeks ago, I played with new member who shot an even par 72.

We had fun during the round, so I asked him if he wanted to play next week.
He said: "Sure, but I might be a half hour late."

The following week he shows up right on on time, and sets up on the first tee this time playing left- handed. Again he shoots a 72.
I asked him if he wanted to play again next week.
He replied: "Sure but I might be a half hour late."

I then asked him :"How come some times you play right- handed and other
times, left-handed."

He said :"When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left
side, I play left- handed and if she is on her right side, then I play
right- handed."
I then ask ;"So,what if she is laying flat on her back?"
"That's when I'll be a half hour late!" he replied
AnswerID: 425749

Reply By: Member - Doug T (NT) - Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 16:14

Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 16:14
For those who do not know what a bucket seat is...

Image Could Not Be Found

.
gift by Daughter

Lifetime Member
My Profile  My Blog  Send Message

AnswerID: 425751

Follow Up By: RodH, Sydney - Monday, Aug 02, 2010 at 20:40

Monday, Aug 02, 2010 at 20:40
Love it! I've just come back from a week in India and while I didn't see anything to match this, some sights were pretty good. Cheers
Rod, Perth

Lifetime Member
My Profile  My Blog  My Position  Send Message

0
FollowupID: 696568

Reply By: Hairs & Fysh - Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 16:44

Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 16:44
A Recent Global Survey Failed ...

Last month a world survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was :
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a HUGE failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what shortage meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

AnswerID: 425753

Reply By: Fred G NSW - Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 17:03

Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 17:03
PROGRESSION OF GLOBAL WARMING Image Could Not Be Found
AnswerID: 425756

Reply By: Cruiser .- Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 18:50

Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 18:50
The best lawyer story of all time . . . bar none.

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
AnswerID: 425764

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 20:36

Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 20:36
Julia’s Chauffer…



Julia Gillard touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car when suddenly, a cow walks out onto the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

After the smoke settles, Julia says to the chauffeur, ‘You get out and check - you were driving.’

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

Well, you were driving - go and tell the farmer,’ says Julia.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

‘My god, what happened to you?’ asks Julia.

The chauffeur replies ‘When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.’

‘What on earth did you say?’ asks Julia.

I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them ‘I’m Julia Gillard’s chauffeur and I’ve just killed the cow.’

-------------------------------------------------------------

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray !!!



AnswerID: 425774

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 20:37

Friday, Jul 30, 2010 at 20:37
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She is called Five Horses."

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean....


NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!


AnswerID: 425775

Follow Up By: Member - Christopher P (NSW) - Monday, Aug 02, 2010 at 13:15

Monday, Aug 02, 2010 at 13:15
how big brother bill j whitecloud,

my wife is younger sister of your wife, she is called 4 horses, Nag Nag Nag Nag.

form little christopher p white cloud jnr
0
FollowupID: 696528

Sponsored Links