fryday funnies

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

First Indian Astronaut Returns to Earth.

Some may have heard that India has joined in the Space Race.

Well, their first astronaut into space has just landed back on earth.

Here is one of the first pictures of the momentous occasion.



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The ups and downs of owning a business?
Mexican just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going sky high.
Nice Sunny Day - Good - Lizard

Some Fine Irishness ......

Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your
wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home
yesterday."
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Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing
with himself in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Jaysus Paddy, what in
hell d’yis t’ink yer doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom
lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter.....
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Paddy says to Mick, “Jeez, I’m ready for me holiday … but this year I’m
going to do it a bit different. Three years ago I went to Spain - and
Mary got pregnant. Two years ago I went to Italy - and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca - and again Mary got pregnant.”
Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this year?”
Paddy replies, “Oi think Oi'll take her wid me!”
_________________________________________________________________
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" ...
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
_________________________________________________________________
Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick says, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We’ll lie and say we only found two."
_________________________________________________________________
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the
shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
God bless the Irish!

Subject: Fw: WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY.... ;

WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY....Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted. Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ..
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time
.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


HAVE A GREAT DAY
Bushy.

Recession


The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally....

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline.
I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Just found out that Lions make love seven days a week....& I joined bloody Rotary!!!

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A stark naked,drunken woman, jumped into a vacant taxi at a London Cab Rank.

The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman. He makes no attempt to start the Cab.

“What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?”

“I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".

"Well if you’re not staring at me luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."

Fair Dinkum Advance Australia Fair
(submitted by our 10yr old daughter)

Australia all let us rejoice,
For we’re a cool country;
Our creatures are so bloody big,
They’d make a dragon pee;
Our land abounds with deadly stuff;
The weak do not survive;
So lock ya gates and warn ya mates,
BEWARE AND STAY ALIVE.

Fair Dinkum mate, again I state,
BEWARE AND STAY ALIVE.

Beneath our radiant Southern Cross
Adventure is four-score;
We have the best of everything;
Now Hogwarts is a bore.
For those who’ve come across the seas,
They probably won’t survive;
So lock ya gates and warn ya mates,
BEWARE AND STAY ALIVE.

Fair Dinkum mate, again I state,
BEWARE AND STAY ALIVE.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone gives them that quaint expression,

You don't know Jack Schitt. This is how to handle the solution.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O.Schitt. The fertilizer magnate married O.Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religeous couple produced six children, Holie Schitt,the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school drop-out.

Noe later married Mr Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable during childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says, You don't know Jack Schitt.

You can correct them.