Fry Day Fun Knees

Last night I reached for the liquid Viagra, and in the dark I picked up the whiteout instead. :-(
So just now I woke up with a HUGE correction!!

Cheers

Brian

Julia & Wayne have just sent a Carbon Tax Bill to Chile....they have demanded payment within 7 days!!

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. He then decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, Australia, they decided to send it to Julia Gillard. (Australian PM)

Gillard was so amused that she instructed her secretary to send the little boy a $5 note. She thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you
note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money .. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Canberra, and that red headed bitch took $95 in taxes.

John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth..

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque.

Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Julia Gillard took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
Regards to all
little cloudy today - better introduce a new tax
lizard

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patent's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
Instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the
Jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined th at the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN, no name

AND FINALLY!!!............

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst


Bushy

You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital.

Now that's stressful.



But at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you're going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.

This is getting very stressful


So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth.

You are extremely stressed but relieved...



On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.

NOW THAT'S STRESS!!!!

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In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labelled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your bleep is under your pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an
Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but
less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,
the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.'
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I
yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got
what he deserved.

He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left
wing labour bleep who knows bugger all about running the country.'

'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard ! '

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands,
when a bloody truck hit us.'

Bunnings Scam
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Bunnings customers.
This one caught me by surprise.



Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get trade supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.


Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex window cleaner, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.


When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat.
On the way, they start undressing and fondling.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, putting her hands all over you, unzipping zips, etc, etc while the other one steals your wallet...!!



I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 28th.
Also June 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th, 9th, and three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.


P.S. K-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for
$1.99 at Best and Less and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat
at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to
Home Depot.....