Fry Day Fun Knees

Submitted: Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 06:04
ThreadID: 87161 Views:3569 Replies:8 FollowUps:9
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A Lay-off letter from an excellent boss.

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organisation, I have resigned myself to the fact that Julia Gillard is our Prime Minister and that our insurance costs, taxes and government fees have increased and obviously will continue to increase in a BIG way after the Carbon Tax is introduced. This is the Labor way.
To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by at least 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.

This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found sixty either 'Vote Labor, Kevin 007 or 'Bring in a Carbon Tax' bumper stickers displayed on our employees' cars. The board has decided these are the ones that we will let go. We can't think of a fairer way to approach this problem. They voted for change...... and now they are getting it.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

THE BOSS
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Reply By: Member Brian (Gold Coast) - Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 06:58

Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 06:58
Last night I reached for the liquid Viagra, and in the dark I picked up the whiteout instead. :-(
So just now I woke up with a HUGE correction!!

Cheers

Brian


AnswerID: 458301

Follow Up By: carlj - Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 16:07

Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 16:07
LOVE IT
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FollowupID: 731813

Reply By: OREJAP - Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 08:51

Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 08:51
Julia & Wayne have just sent a Carbon Tax Bill to Chile....they have demanded payment within 7 days!!
AnswerID: 458311

Reply By: Fred G NSW - Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 11:57

Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 11:57
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. He then decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, Australia, they decided to send it to Julia Gillard. (Australian PM)

Gillard was so amused that she instructed her secretary to send the little boy a $5 note. She thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you
note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money .. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Canberra, and that red headed bitch took $95 in taxes.






AnswerID: 458333

Reply By: Member - Len M(lizard) - Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 12:48

Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 12:48
John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth..

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque.

Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Julia Gillard took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
Regards to all
little cloudy today - better introduce a new tax
lizard
AnswerID: 458337

Reply By: Member Bushy 04(VIC) - Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 14:48

Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 14:48
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patent's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
Instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the
Jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined th at the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN, no name

AND FINALLY!!!............

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst


Bushy
AnswerID: 458342

Follow Up By: Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 15:22

Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 15:22
Hey Bushy you missed half of no 8's . Need to cut and paste again.
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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Follow Up By: Brian Purdue - Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 18:59

Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 18:59
Quick Bushy!!! I come back every half-hour to find the punch line. (Maybe some other kind soul will put me out of my misery?)
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FollowupID: 731825

Follow Up By: Lex M (Brisbane) - Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 19:08

Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 19:08
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The
middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly
said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but
the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".



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FollowupID: 731826

Follow Up By: Brian Purdue - Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 19:54

Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 19:54
Many thanks. Merci Beaucoup. Gracia. Danket. I am non the wiser.
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FollowupID: 731831

Follow Up By: Lex M (Brisbane) - Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 20:32

Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 20:32
This might help.


German immigrant Oscar F. Mayer (March 29, 1859 in Kösingen, near Neresheim, Württemberg – March 11, 1955) began working at a meat market in Detroit, Michigan, and later in Chicago, Illinois. In 1900 in Chicago, Oscar Mayer, along with his brother Gottfried, leased the Kolling Meat Market, on the near-northside of Chicago. The two sold bratwurst, liverwurst, and weißwurst and were popular in the predominantly German neighborhoods of Chicago around the market.


Oscar Mayer had several advertisements on TV, but the most famous ad was probably the Oscar Mayer "Wiener" Ad in 1965. This ad has been referred to as one of the best classic ads in the USA. The commercial shows a young girl leading a group of children, singing about how they "wish they were an Oscar Mayer Wiener". After, a young boy is seen, and he starts sing about how he's "glad he's not an Oscar Mayer Wiener", with the same tune as the original singing.

The advertisement itself has received over 1 million views on various video sharing sites such as YouTube, GetBack, and others, as well as being featured on YahooMusic in March 2009.
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FollowupID: 731836

Follow Up By: Brian Purdue - Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 20:52

Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 20:52
I just looked at "u-tube" Stupid?
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FollowupID: 731838

Follow Up By: Member Bushy 04(VIC) - Saturday, Jun 25, 2011 at 08:14

Saturday, Jun 25, 2011 at 08:14
Sorry guys did'nt see that missing bit.

Bushy
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FollowupID: 731860

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 20:49

Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 20:49
You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital.

Now that's stressful.



But at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you're going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.

This is getting very stressful


So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth.

You are extremely stressed but relieved...



On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.

NOW THAT'S STRESS!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labelled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your bleep is under your pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN


AnswerID: 458368

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 20:51

Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 20:51
A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an
Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but
less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,
the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.'
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I
yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got
what he deserved.

He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left
wing labour bleep who knows bugger all about running the country.'

'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard ! '

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands,
when a bloody truck hit us.'

AnswerID: 458369

Reply By: Member - Mark G Gulmarrad - Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 21:58

Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 21:58
Bunnings Scam
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Bunnings customers.
This one caught me by surprise.



Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get trade supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.


Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex window cleaner, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.


When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.
You agree and they get into the back seat.
On the way, they start undressing and fondling.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, putting her hands all over you, unzipping zips, etc, etc while the other one steals your wallet...!!



I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 28th.
Also June 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th, 9th, and three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.


P.S. K-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for
$1.99 at Best and Less and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat
at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to
Home Depot.....
AnswerID: 458376

Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderers - Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 23:16

Friday, Jun 24, 2011 at 23:16
I came home and said to the wife, that new service station is a load of crock.

What you mean she asked?

I said, after filling up tank, you get to guess how many fingers he's holding behind his back, if you guess correctly, you get free sex, what a load of crock.

No its not she says, just last fortnight, I've won 4 times.

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