fryday funnies

Motorcycling: Put The Spark Back In Your Relationship


Image Could Not Be Found


Ah, the thrill of the open road....!

For those who have travelled OS, you will appreciate this.


Cheap Flights


Bill

It's time to plant tomatoes this month.

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in Wonthaggi (Victoria) . He
wanted to plant

his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the
ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old
man

wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my

tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot.

I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be
happy

to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa


A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, The Piranha task force from Melbourne and
local police arrived and dug up

the vegie garden without finding any bodies. They apologised to the
old man and left.

A couple of days later the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

Learning to pay attention is very important.....


THE DEAD COW LECTURE
First-year students at the Auburn Vet School were attending their first
anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the
class by telling them,
"In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second
most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

The new Government Symbol


Image Could Not Be Found



The government today announced that it is changing its symbol from a Emu and Kangaroo to a CONDOM,
because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance....
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation,
protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

THE PHARMACY SISTERS

A Harley rider walked into a drug store in Waco , Texas and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.

She then asked if she could help him. The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The biker then agreed and began by saying .......

'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a .... Permanent Erection.

It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said .....'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'

When she returned, she said ...... We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is as follows:

1/3 ownership in the store ........
A company pickup truck ........
Five home cooked dinners a week ........
And $3,000 a month in living expenses.

Image Could Not Be Found

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A railway station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Brigade usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.