Ok my turn..PHRYDEE FUNNEEZZZ

Submitted: Thursday, Feb 09, 2006 at 22:09
ThreadID: 30619 Views:2239 Replies:9 FollowUps:5
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Understanding Engineers - One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

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Understanding Engineers - Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is Half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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Understanding Engineers - Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

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Understanding Engineers - Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

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Understanding Engineers - Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

----------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

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Understanding Engineers - Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

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Understanding Engineers - Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him And said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

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Reply By: Des Lexic - Thursday, Feb 09, 2006 at 22:55

Thursday, Feb 09, 2006 at 22:55
Thanks to Roachie for this one

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead
> >of him and went to her and said,"Can you please help me, I don't
> >know
what
> >hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7;
> >you're on 6."
> >
> >He thanked her & continued playing golf. Later he got lost again.
> >He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed.
> >"I'm
sorry to
> >bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what
> >hole I'm on." Lady :You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are
> >on 13. Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
> >
> >When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went upto her and
> >asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.
> >As they
were
drinking & talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales."
> >
> > He replied, "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
> >
> >Lady : It's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to
> >know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to
> >laugh. He promised.
> >
> > Lady : I sell WHISPER (Sanitary Napkins). He immediately fell to
> >the floor laughing hysterically.
> >
> >Lady : You promised you wouldn't laugh. He replied,"I'm sorry, but
> >I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper ........
>I'm still one hole behind you."
>

AnswerID: 154196

Reply By: Member - Jeff H (QLD) - Thursday, Feb 09, 2006 at 23:02

Thursday, Feb 09, 2006 at 23:02
Crasydog/

Very apt: you represent one sick puppy.

(Beats the hellout of Dengue though).

A
pologies for misspelling 'crasy' -- must be the arts degree I bought from tEXAS.

Jeff H.
AnswerID: 154198

Reply By: Scrubcat - Thursday, Feb 09, 2006 at 23:04

Thursday, Feb 09, 2006 at 23:04
THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,
then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having
smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having
made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim
against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars
were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to
pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the
normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and WON! (Stay with me now.)

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
"held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was
obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal
process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the
lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART....Ya GOTTA LOVE this!!

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the
previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months
in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place
winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA...

I don`t know where i`m going but i`m enjoying the journey.

Member
My Profile  My Blog  My Position  Send Message

AnswerID: 154199

Follow Up By: Joombi - Friday, Feb 10, 2006 at 07:56

Friday, Feb 10, 2006 at 07:56
Have a listen to a "Brad Paisley" song off his "Mud on the Tyres" album called "The Cigar song"....
greaty stuff....
0
FollowupID: 408157

Follow Up By: Joombi - Friday, Feb 10, 2006 at 08:06

Friday, Feb 10, 2006 at 08:06
"greaty" stuff, sorry, GREAT Stuff
0
FollowupID: 408161

Follow Up By: Member No 1- Friday, Feb 10, 2006 at 17:48

Friday, Feb 10, 2006 at 17:48
its a myth
0
FollowupID: 408330

Follow Up By: Joombi - Friday, Feb 10, 2006 at 20:40

Friday, Feb 10, 2006 at 20:40
Most good storys & songs are...
eg- the bloke keeping jenny crabs while fishing/crabing & along comes the fisheries ect ect...
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FollowupID: 408361

Reply By: Footloose - Thursday, Feb 09, 2006 at 23:27

Thursday, Feb 09, 2006 at 23:27
And now for a bit of humour from a place where it's hard to find :((

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left-wing liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!". "And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

AnswerID: 154210

Reply By: Sparkiepete - Friday, Feb 10, 2006 at 07:20

Friday, Feb 10, 2006 at 07:20
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appeared in Cavan court.

The fight continues in the courtroom until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence in Court!"

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the Best Man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional at a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, "Okay. Continue."

"Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song when - all of a sudden - the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt?!" Paddy replies, "He broke three of my fingers!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken Salvation Army rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a huge mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated Salvation Army rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some 'Nair' hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

Love the funnies

Regards
Sparkiepete
AnswerID: 154235

Reply By: Al & Mrs Al (Vic) - Friday, Feb 10, 2006 at 07:48

Friday, Feb 10, 2006 at 07:48
The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him out of ten million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeepers temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't ya just love lawyers

AnswerID: 154238

Reply By: Rotty - Friday, Feb 10, 2006 at 09:33

Friday, Feb 10, 2006 at 09:33
Who is Jack Schitt?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt,
a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

-------------------------------------
SANDALS



A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,

"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So the couple walked in.

"I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in,"the Jamaican said to them. "Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,being the "sex god" that he was.

"How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" the husband asked the shopkeeper.

Just try dem on, Mon," the Jamaican replied.

After some badgering from his wife, the man finally gave in, and tried the sandals on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes ... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, quickly bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

At which point the Jamaican began screaming,

"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET, MON! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

--------------------------------------------------
Thought for the day:

When I play rock/paper/scissors, I understand that scissors can beat paper,
and
I get how rock can beat
scissors, but there's no f*%$ing way paper can beat rock.
Paper is supposed to magically "wrap around" rock, rendering it immobile?
Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors?
Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets
of notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to
take notes in class?... I'll tell you why-- BECAUSE PAPER CAN'T BEAT
ANYBODY!
A rock would tear that sh*t up in 2 seconds.
When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock.
Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper, I punch
them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh sh*t, I'm
sorry. I thought paper would protect you"





AnswerID: 154254

Follow Up By: Member - John A (SA) - Friday, Feb 10, 2006 at 10:12

Friday, Feb 10, 2006 at 10:12
Hey Rotty
I reckon the Schitt family is the funniest thing I have read in ages.
Well done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John A
0
FollowupID: 408194

Reply By: Member - JohnR (Vic)&Moses - Friday, Feb 10, 2006 at 14:51

Friday, Feb 10, 2006 at 14:51
A "Good Womans" viewpoint........

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort
in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish
at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One
morning the husband returns after several hours of
fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not
familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat
out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am", he said, and left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's very likely that she can also think!!!

Cheers,
Who?
John

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AnswerID: 154305

Reply By: Bonz (Vic) - Friday, Feb 10, 2006 at 17:01

Friday, Feb 10, 2006 at 17:01
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today You must park ." Then the power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says ...

Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?
.
Time is an illusion produced by the passage of history
.

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AnswerID: 154334

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