Fridie funie time...

an oldie but a goodie

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into
town and went to a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him an said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn
tyres. So I called him a piece of dog bleep . He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a
third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I don't give a damn. I came into town by train. I try to
have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at
my age.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (Vanity Fair)
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.......

Dad's occupation

Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc.

Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.

Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Edward, "He plays football for Collingwood but I was just too embarrassed to say."

Been around a while - but for those that haven't seen it;

Aussie Sensitivity

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" "Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."

The Myers salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says,

"Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the

counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the

sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter

anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot

Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's

a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for $44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound Of

it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her

credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card,"he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the

blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me It

was on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $14.50

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" asked the mother.
"Mom, I'm 40 years old, and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom. Upon entering the room, he found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told mom. I'm 40 years old now and I'm ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home and found her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other watching the TV. The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the football game with my son-in-law!!"

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!"

Patrick O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his adult life.

After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said, "Mr. O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"

O'Leary said, "I've got to be honest with you, Father. A while back, I misplaced me cap. I really, really love that cap. I knew that Donald Shaunessy had one just like mine, and I knew that Shaunessy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunessy had to take off his cap during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunessy's cap."

The priest said, "Well, Mr. O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Mr. Shaunessy's cap. What changed your mind?"

O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunessy's cap."

The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said, "Ah, after I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' you decided you would rather do without your cap than burn in Hell, right?"

O'Leary shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left me cap."

A medical school professor was giving a lecture on involuntary
Muscular contractions. Realizing this was not the most riveting
Subject, he decided to lighten the mood a bit.

Pointing to a young woman in the first row he said, "What do you think
Your asshole is doing when you are having an orgasm?"

Without blinking an eye she replied, "Golfing with his buddies."

**************************************************

Bill gets home late one night and his wife says, "where in the hell have
you been?"
Bill replies, “I was out getting a tattoo ".
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "what kind of a tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my dick," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
disbelief.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on
his dick?"
"Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand,
And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here
at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want !!"

Bill is recovering at Sydney Hospital.

Appropriate for this time of the year.

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice
you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: What about all these matzo (bread)
purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi,
realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable
question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and
every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls.

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. What we do is save
up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a
year they send us a complete dick."
Cheers,
Bros.

>

>> > This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota,

>>Florida.

>> >

>> > An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her

>>car,

>> > found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped

>>her

>> > shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top

>>of

>> > her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the

>>car!"

>> > The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran

>>like

>> > mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping

>>bags

>> > into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so

>> > shaken

>> >

>> > that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and

>>tried,

>> > and then she realized why, . it was for the same reason she had

>>wondered

>> > why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the

>> > front seat.

>> >

>> > A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces

>> > farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the

>>police

>> > station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the

>>story

>> > couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter,

>> > where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly

>>woman

>> > described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white

>>hair,

>> > and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

>> >

>> >

>> > Moral of the story?!

>> >

>> > If you're

>> > going to have a Senior Moment, .. make it memorable.

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone," so named
>because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone
>not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone
>finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill
>them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more
>
>
> Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
>
>"Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep
>into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He
>made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
>The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
>
>Years went by and no one dared to call him by his given name until a
>woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for
>many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when
>she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
>
>
>
>Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he
>
>made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her
>all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird
>wouldn't die!
>
> What is the moral of this story?
>
>
>Take a guess! Think about it.
>
>
>And the moral is
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>...you can't kill two birds with one stone
>

A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had
just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee
sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for
help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you
back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where? he asked.


"Between the first and second hole", she replied.


He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide".

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favourite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm.

One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.

She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbour a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part.

Finally she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
>he
>become disoriental?
>
>2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
>called Holes?
>
>3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
>
>4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
>
>5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
>
>6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
>
>7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
>
>8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
>drives a race car not called a racist?
>
>9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
>
>10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
>
>11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
>
>12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
>Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
>
>13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
>that
>electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
>deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
>
>14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
>
>16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
>and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
>
>17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
>we
>supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on
>the
>postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the
>mail?
>
>18. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
>
>19. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
>
>20. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
>nuts.
>
>21. Ever wonder about those people who spend R10.00 apiece on those little
>bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
>
>22. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
>section in a swimming pool?
>
>23. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the
>Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the
>Tennessee Titans?
>
>24. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. Does that mean that the
>other one enjoys it?

_________________________________________________________________

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me,and we
all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have
finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace
was to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house
to see things I started and hadn't finished;

and before leaving the house this morning I finished a bottle of Merlot,
a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a
package of Oreos, the remainder of the Valium prescriptions, the rest of
the cheesecake, Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.