Fryday Funnies

How about a

Knock Knock Joke??

Whats ya best one??

Cheers Kev

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Camping tips
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- Any stone in a hiking boot migrates to the point of maximum pressure.

- The distance to a given camp site remains constant as twilight approaches.

- The number of mosquitoes at any given location is inversely proportional to the amount of repellent that remains.

- The probability of diarrhea increases with the square of the thistle content of the local vegetation.

- The area of level ground in the neighborhood tends to vanish as the need to make camp becomes finite.

- In a mummy bag the urgency of ones need to urinate is inversely proportional to the amount of clothing worn. It is also inversely proportional to the temperature and the degree to which the mummy bag is completely zipped up.

- Waterproof clothing isn't. (However, it is 100% effective at containing sweat).

- The width of backpack straps decreases with the distance hiked. To compensate, the weight of the backpack increases.

- Average temperature increases with the amount of clothing brought.

- Tent stakes come only in the quantity "N-1" where N is the number of stakes necessary to stake down a tent.

- Propane/butane tanks that are full when they are packed, will unexplainably empty themselves before you can reach the campsite.

- Given a chance, matches will find a way to get wet.

- Your side of the tent is the side that leaks.

- All foods assume a uniform taste, texture, and color when freeze-dried.

- Divide the number of servings by two when reading the directions for reconstituting anything freeze-dried.

- When reading the instructions of a pump-activated water filter, "hour" should be substituted for "minute" when reading the average litres filtered per minute.

- The weight in a backpack can never remain uniformly distributed.

- All tree branches in a forest grow outward from their respective trunks at exactly the height of your nose. If you are male, tree branches will also grow at groin height.

- You will lose the little toothpick in your Swiss Army knife as soon as you open the box.

- Rain.

- Enough dirt will get tracked into the tent on the first day out, that you can grow the food you need for the rest of the trip in rows between sleeping bags.

- When camping in late fall or winter, your underwear will stay at approximately 35.702 degrees Kelvin no matter how long you keep it in your sleeping bag with you.

- The sun sets three-and-a-half times faster than normal when you're trying to set up camp.

- Tents never come apart as easily when you're leaving a site as when you're trying to get them set up in the first place.

- When planning to take time off of work/school for your camping trip, always add an extra week, because when you get home from your "vacation" you'll be too tired to go back for a week after.

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more
frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about
ways to add some pizzazz to their relationship, and finally decided to
purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as
usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned
the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between
her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on
his chair arm.

'Want some of this?' she purred.

'Are you kidding?' he replied.

'Look what it did to your underwear'

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I thinkabout naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.


Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....





Some ar--h--e's got my pen!'

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone b#tch, I'm married!!'





Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the Right thing, at the Right time:

PRICELESS

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT: Possibly the funniest story in a long
while;
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the
news letter of the Austra1ian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation
Board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a
Darwin Award for sure
Dear S i r ,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information

Block 3 of the accident report form. I put “poor planning" as the
cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuIIer explanation and I trust the
following details be sufficient .
I am a bricklayer by trade.
On the day of the accident., I was working alone on the roof of a new
sixth story building.
When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks Left over
which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of
500lbs

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in
a barrel by using a puIley, which was attached to the side of the
building on the sixth floor.
Securlng the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out
and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block ll of the accident report form that I weigh
135 I b s .
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained
the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as
Listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightIy, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the puIley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience
pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrell. Now devoid of the
weight of the bricks (that barrel weighed approximately 50 1bs) I refer you
again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building.
In the vicinity of the third fIoor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile of bricks and fortunate]y only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks,
in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind
and Iet go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin
its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.

A young boy had just received his driver's license and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son.

"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, read your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I am really proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this, his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Image Could Not Be Found

Monday afternoon at work, Jack gets curious about what his wife is cooking for dinner, so he calls home to get the details.

The phone rings and the little girl picks up the phone.

"Hey sweetie, is your Mom there?"

"No she is upstairs with Uncle Frank and their naked!"

"Honey, you don't have an Uncle Frank,"

"Yes I do Daddy, he is upstairs naked with Mommy,"

"Well this is what I want you to do. You tell Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled in the driveway and you get back on the phone and tell me what they did."

"Okay, Daddy."

After about 5 minutes, the little girl gets back on the phone to relay what went down.

"Daddy! Mom jumped out the window and she's dead! And Uncle Jack jumped out the other window, but he must of forgot that you let all the water out of the pool and he is at the bottom dead too!"

"Pool? What pool? Wait a minute....is this 555-7902?"

***********************************************
Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So the eight year old says to the six year old, "Okay, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell.'" All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight year old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" "I dunno," quivers the six year old, but you can bet year ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on when I say BELL 1

I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2

I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say BELL 3

We are going to make love all night.
' The next night he came home from work and yelled

' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled ' BELL 3!', they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'

'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

******************************************************

A class of five-year old school children return to the
classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing
this?

Playtime?''

Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''?

''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I
will give you a biscuit.''

Becky duly goes and writes? 's a n d' ?on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.?

The teacher then says,''Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''

Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''

''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I
will also give you a biscuit.''

Freddie duly goes and writes? 'b o x'? on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.?

Teacher then says,''Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with
Becky and Freddie?''

''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time
I went near them they?started
throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket
in case I had explosives.''

''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination
to me -?

I'll tell you what, if you can spell ?'blatant racial discrimination' ?I will
give you a biscuit.''?

*****************************************************

Two old guys were chatting.....One said to the other:"My 85th birthday was yesterday.The wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy responded:"Wow, that's amazing!!.....Imagine, an SUV!!..What a great gift!"
First guy:"Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

***************************************
Subject: STAMP NOTICE

OFFICIAL RECALL NOTICE CANCELLED

SUBJECT - ANNA BLIGH $1 DOLLAR STAMP

Stamp affected: 1 Dollar - Anna Bligh Stamp

The Reported Problem: Stamp Was Not Sticking To Envelopes.

Course of Action: The Premiers Office Allocated $1.5 Million To Test Stamp


FINDINGS

1. The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive

3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

*****************************************************

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)
of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange.................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes!'

**********************************************************
Nun grading exam papers


Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a catholic elementary school test.

Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.


1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.

6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7 moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.


8, the egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments

9. The first commandments was when eve told adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.


12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Henry was referred to a psychiatrist who decided to start off by testing him by word association.
"I'm going to say a word and I want you to tell me the first thing that comes into your mind. Are you ready?"
Henry "Yes, Doctor."
"Lake"
"Fishing," replied Henry .
"Toast."
"Honey," said Henry .
"Breast."
"Chicken."
"Breasts."
"Windscreen wipers."
"Windscreen wipers?"
"First, this one (Makes kissing sound with his lips) then this one....."

An African American is walking through Central Park in New York feeling sad and lonely, he notices nearly every white guy has a woman holding on to their arm and cuddling and kissing each other, this makes him feel more sad, and he says to him self gee I wish I could be like that, then all of a sudden there is a bright flash of light and this beautiful old lady is standing in front of him, she says I'm your Fairy God Mother, and you mentioned something about a wish, I will grant you 3 wishes all simultaneously, so think very carefully before you make your wish, so he thinks for a while and then says I wish that I want to be Hip, White, Uptight, and Out Of Site, and the Fairy God Mother turned him into Tampon.

PAIN TREATMENT:


This sounds like a good procedure to relieve the pain.

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?


The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

The only cow in a small town in Queensland stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found they could buy a cow in NSW, for $200.00.

They bought the cow from NSW and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening.

"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."



The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in NSW?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.



"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.



"How did you know we got the cow in NSW?"






The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from NSW."

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'? Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.

And I'm pretty damn good at it, too!!

A Federal Police Officer stops at a farm in outback NSW and talks with an old farmer.

He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for illegal grown drugs.'
The old farmer says, 'Okay, but whatever you do, I'm warning you, don't go in that paddock over there.'

The Officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the
Federal Police Department with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and
Removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.

'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..

On Any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?
Do you understand?' Do not get in the way of the law !"
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

A few minutes later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spots the Officer running from the paddock for his life, and close behind is the farmer's stud bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.

The Officer is clearly terrified.

The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and
Yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge! Show him your badge smart arse.

FIRE IN BLOCK OF FLATS



In South Sydney , a fire destroyed a four story block of flats. A
Polynesian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all
six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in
the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.


Six Maori, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

Four Aboriginal families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished.

One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious.

They flew into Sydney and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Islanders, Muslims,
Maoris and Aboriginals all died in the fire and only the white couple lived


The fire chief quietly replied,


"Simple - they were both at work."






Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up.

Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park,

Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and - lo and behold! - there sat Bill!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'...


'So the bloody judge gave me 30 days for perjury'!!!!!

Online Doctor


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, “My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!”
And the woman was thinking to herself, “My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!”