Phriday Phunnies

Why didn't the toilet roll want to cross the road?







Because it did not want to get caught in the CRACK.

Power of a Badge...







DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......






With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


"Your badge. Show him your BADGE

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Little India , formerly known as Australia ..

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Australia 's third language.

Children from 2 parent heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

Gay Marriages now overtake heterosexual marriages as preferred 'lifestyle' choice.

Kookaburra and platypus plague threatens North Western Australia crops and livestock.

Melbourne schoolgirl expelled for not wearing Burqa: Being Christian, no excuse says school. Sharia law must be enforced.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. Australian Government have told the Japanese that Cane Toads taste like whale meat.

Australia now has 10 Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of ANU says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Australian Deficit 10 $Trillion dollars and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration secret to success.

Wall Street banks merge to form new super Bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): We'll show Congress who is Too big to fail says CEO. Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

ran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. ... No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Australia Post raises price of stamps to $18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a 10-year, $75.8 billion study: Scientists prove Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of an Australian drops to 115 kgs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Vicindia (Formally Victoria) and New South India (Formally NSW).

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Senate still blocking drilling in Canberra even though gas is selling for 5,000 Rupees per litre and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

Australian Tax Office sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Carlton won this year's National Footy final beating the Hindu Hornets 20-11 to 13-18
Southern Asia (formerly   Northern Territory ) voters still having trouble with voting machines.


I Love This Country!
Enjoy your weekend Guys LOL

A Collingwood fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his
Collingwood jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St Peter in a St
Kilda scarf. "Hello, mate," says St Peter,"I'm sorry, no Collingwood
fans in heaven."

"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard. No Collingwood fans." "But, but, but, I've been a good man,"
replies the Collingwood supporter.
"Oh, really?" says St Peter. "What have you done then?"
"Well," says the guy, "three weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the
starving children in Africa."

"Oh," says St Peter. "Anything else?"

"Well, two weeks before I died, I also gave 20 bucks to the
homeless."

"Hmmm. Anything else?"

"Yeah. A week before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the Albanian
orphans."

"Okay," says St Peter, "you wait here a minute while I have a
word with the governor."

Ten minutes pass before St Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye
and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your sixty
bucks back, now rack off."

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English".

In the first year,"s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favourof "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have oneless letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and"w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary"o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl ordifikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vilal be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

How to start a fight

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law acemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after
we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else
to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently
for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute,
and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you
finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van,
and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that
the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back,
now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's
face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirtThen Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, ‘Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?’
Grandma replied, ‘Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.

The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ... I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.’
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister.
The minister said, ‘Hello son, is your Grandma home?’
The little boy replied, ‘Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.’

The minister fainted.

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'


The older lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else.So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!

So! The older lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLDER LADY'S KISS.


SUDDENLY THE OLDER LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLDER LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!





SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST Travelodge SHE COULD FIND!!!

She's older...... NOT BLOODY DEAD!!!!!

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action.. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins
to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.

The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from
the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse..



regards

A bloke goes into the Centrelink in Sydney and sees a card advertising
For a Gynecologists' Assistant.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind
The desk.

The Centrelink Assistant sorts through her files and replies.

"Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for
The gynecologist."

"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them
Down and gently wash their nether regions.

Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in
Soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.."

"There's a starting annual salary of $85,000, but you're going to have to
go to Wagga Wagga "

"Oh, Is that where the job is?" he asks.

"No," replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue."

There was this bloke from Qld, Kev, who thought 2 Qld teams were going to fight out the NRL Grand Final.

Now that was funny hahahahahahahahaha.

Fred :-))))))))) Go the chooks.

One day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.

"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!

The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"!
"I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth".

Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade!

40 years of marriage
=============

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female......

A man owned a small farm in Australia . The Tax Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep. 'Well,' replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday"

'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room.

'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

· A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'