Firday Funnies

loved it Jon.

That poor neighbour! She is soooo ugly!!

I guess there will be many forum members who wish they had been hired for the job!!

Cheers,

Heather

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

THE FINAL INSPECTION

The Soldier stood and faced his God,

Which must always come to pass.

He hoped his shoes were shining,

Just as brightly as his brass.

"Step forward now, you Soldier,

How shall I deal with you?

Have you always turned the other cheek?

To My Church have you been true?"


The Soldier squared his shoulders and said,

"No, my Lord, I ain't.

Because those of us who carry guns,

Can't always be a saint.


I've had to work most Sundays,

And at times my talk was tough.

And sometimes I've been violent,

Because the world is awfully rough.


But, I never took a dollar,

That wasn't mine to keep...

Though I worked a lot of overtime,

When the bills got just too steep.


And I never passed a cry for help,

Though at times I shook with fear.

And sometimes, God, forgive me,

I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place,

Among the people here.

They never wanted me around,

Except to calm their fears.


If you've a place for me here, Lord,

It needn't be so grand.

I never expected or had too much,

But if you don't, I'll understand.


There was a silence all around the throne,

Where the saints had often trod.

As the Soldier waited quietly,

For the judgment of his God.


"Step forward now, you Soldier,

You've borne your burdens well.

Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,

You've done your time in Hell."


~Author Unknown~
It's the Soldier, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press.

It's the Soldier, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.

It's the Soldier, not the politicians, that ensures our right to Life, Freedom and the Pursuit of Happiness.

It's the Soldier who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag.

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Did Phillip fart?
..and he probably does all the time. What the heck, he's almost ninety,
and at that age you don't hold anything back even if you wanted to!
The really important question?

Did Philip Fart?

Image Could Not Be Found






The expressions are priceless!

Look at the Queen's face!


A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.


A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while.......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces .
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!

Collingwood flood victims need assistance - Please Give Generously

Torrential rain hit Collingwood in the early hours of last night.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, flannies soaked, woollen
trackies sagging, muttering 'Bloody Hell'.

Flood waters devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of
damage.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were
woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.

The Collingwood Herald reported that hundreds of residents were confused
and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Smith St ...

One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old
mother of 5 said 'It was such a shock, my little daughter
Chardonnay-Mercedes came running in to my bedroom crying. My youngest
two Joachim and River slept through it all.'

Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried
on as normal.

The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers
are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities
of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from
Kmart and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after - items most needed include: flannelette Shirts, tight blue
jeans or spandex, singlets (blue & white) white sport socks, Ugg boots
and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked
Beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.

Donations of $ 25.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny blue 25s
and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

GIVE GENEROUSLY !!!

Gavin Carson

Director

Gate Healthcare

0431606182

ALWAYS THINKING OF YOUR WELL BEING!
Simply because I care about you, and in my continual thought for my fellow computer friends,
I offer you...


cid:1.1419590779@web80503.mail.mud.yahoo.com








Neck Exercises to do at the computer.
Shall We begin?




Image Could Not Be Found










THERE....MY WORK IS DONE!
YOU ARE WELCOME

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them
as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,
shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,enjoying a drink,
the sunshine and the scenery when a
'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini
came walking straight towards them..
They couldn't help but stare.


As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by. They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'

and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,



'Father, it's me, Sister Joyce.

**********************************************
EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it !)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes..

(In my next life, I want to be a pig..)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)



A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)



Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)
*********************************************

Old Timer Sex

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!


The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'


OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'


Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'


A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.


The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.



The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..



Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.


After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.


So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'


Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Marriage is like a Deck of Cards,


In the beginning all you need is 2 Hearts and a Diamond.......










By the end you wish you had a bloody Club and a Spade!!!!

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Subject: INTERESTING STUDY





> WOMEN'S BUM SIZE STUDY
>
> There is a new study about women and how they feel about their Bums; the results were pretty interesting:
>
> 30% of women think their bum is too fat...........
> 10% of women think their bum is too skinny.......
>
> The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from thePolice Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne,when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down,walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to defecate all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on ?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb


.