Phriday Phunnies

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came."

Bill

OVERWEIGHT? .....TAKE IT OFF

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day,5 kg. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads,
"If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing
and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four
days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kgs. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/10 kg program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
"If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
that he has lost another 10 kgs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/20 kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.

"This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,

"If I catch you, your arse is mine."

He lost 32 kgs that week!!

bill

Earthquake in Victoria centred near Moe. Recent news report on this incident...


A major earthquake measuring 5.2 on the Richter scale hit this evening with the epicentre in Moe.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering, "F**kin ell" and "Whadda carnt". The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Commodore Appreciation Society and the Moe Progress Hall were damaged beyond repair....

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques arrived.

Moe Radio reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the area.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer later".

Another, complained, "I was jus havin a toke when me f**kin bong fell off the table and on the floor! I thought, "Whoa, good green, but then all me spares fell off the shelf too. Now I gotta get up to 'Off Ya Tree' to buy some more. Do ya think insurance will cough up for em?"

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, flannelette shirts, jewellery from Priceline and bone china from Safeway

*************** HOW YOU CAN HELP ****************

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Items most needed include: baseball caps, tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell Suits (female), white sport socks, sturdy boots And any other items usually sold in Op Shops.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include, Fruit Loops, Kebabs, McDonalds, KFC, ice cream and cans of Tooheys Red, Bacardi Breezer, or UDL.

If you would prefer to donate money, 25c buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms; $5.00 buys chips, saveloys and gherkins, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9; $10.00 will pay for a packet of Longbeach extra milds or Horizon 30's and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

PLEASE do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of the neighbouring areas.

END OF NEWS STORY

For all Who Work With Rude Customers!


An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo..
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'..
The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal - 'we have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'

Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.




Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!


Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.


Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,with a glorious and all conquering past.


Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.



Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.


After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.


THEGEOGRAPHY OF A MAN



Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran,
ruled by nuts.

Ransom note


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THIS PHOTO BELOW WAS TAKEN WITH UNDERGROUND CAMERAS OF TWO AFRICAN MINERS TRAPPED WAITING TO BE RESCUED.

The miners were trapped inside the African Rainbow Minerals gold mine in Orkney, South Africa 110 miles southwest of Johannesburg

(REALLY HEARTWRENCHING STUFF)

PLEASE DO NOT LOOK AT PHOTO IF YOU ARE A SENSITIVE VIEWER OR EASILY UPSET.







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Mick and Paddy are having a drink in a bar when Mick turns to Paddy and says
“I’ve had dis town, noo bloody work and noo bloody future, I think I am going to Dooblin in the morrnin.”

Mick replied “Yeah I agree wid ya dare Paddy, Dares no future in dis town. I tink I might cooome wid ya.”

Mick continues “But wairt a minute, we don’t know da way ta Dooblin, how are we gunna git dare”

Paddy responded “Arhh dats noo problem Mickey me mairt, we’ll just follow the train tracks seein as how we airn’t afforden da fare. The train goes ta Dooblin. Too easy maite.”

So they set off the next morning following the train tracks and about 3 mile out of town Paddy hears a train coming so he says to Mick

“Quick Mick, dares a train coomin maite, get outta dah way.”

So the train comes boring down the track and runs straight over Mick running for the lick of his life down the track. Knocks him flat!

Paddy runs up to him and said “Mickey me maite, why didn’t ya run up the bank like I did maite.”

And Mick said

“You must be bloody stupid Paddy”






“I couldn’t beat it on the flat, How was I gunna beat it up a hill”

THE TRUE HISTORY OF THE BEGINNING OF AUSTRALIA
Australians originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers. They lived on kangaroos on the plains during the summer and would then go to the coast and live on fish and mussels in the winter. The two most important events in all Aussie history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man tothed beer. These were the foundation of modern Aussie civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of Australians into two distinct sub-groups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Labor.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented, so that while our early Aussies were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night, while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Liberal movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the Liberals by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Labor movement. Some of these labor men eventually evolved into women. They became known as pooftas. Some noteworthy Labor achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and voting to decide to divide the meat and beer that the Liberals provided.
Modern Laborites and Union leaders like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish - but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard Labor fare. Another interesting, evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, government workers - state and federal, personal injury lawyers, journalists (especially at The Age), ABC staff, and group therapists are Laborites. Liberals drink domestic beer, mostly Carlton or XXXX. They eat red meat (rare), and still provide for their women. Liberals are big game hunters, forestry workers, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.
Liberals, who own companies, hire other Liberals who want to work for a living.
Laborites produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producer’s and decide what to do with the production. That is why most of the laborites created the business of trying to get more for nothing - and usually plead for government money to fund their unproductive, parasitical activities.
Here ends today's lesson in Australian history.
I'm going to have another beer and light the BBQ. I’ll bring the steaks.

Hi,,
I remember those days, living with my Gran, I still have the bells off of the horses head. A big Clydesdale. I reckoned that the Bells would drive him mad. Grans house had a door in the side of the Kitchen wall (like some Motel rooms)
The "Bottle O"? no Never met him?? & can't remember but I think this horse cart had the Bread I was only about 4.
Our cart horse did that too.
the soft velvet nose on your hand but he just plod along as the master ran along!
You tell some good jokes ,We'll be good.
Take care, safe travels .Ma.

OMG.


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Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound! Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday below his esteemed portrait. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.


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"I have outlived my pecker."



The bleep Poem--by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,

My pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal,

Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,

From my trousers it would spring.

But now I've got a full time job,

To find the f***in' thing.

It used to be embarrassing,

The way it would behave.

For every single morning,

It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,

It sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its little head,

And watch me tie my shoes!!

Hooray for pickering

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My IT devision just fixed my computer

Now let's get back to reality

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I'll be the one to say it.........

Friday Funnies just aint what they used to be :-(

Might be time to pull the pin on them, aye ??

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Hey Bill,
Do tell us about the nightsoil collection !
Cheers.
Netnut

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