Pie Day Funnies

Gday Mr Rock
Same number as last year

Freak deer sighted: Image Could Not Be Found

Police Dog


Image Could Not Be Found

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One afternoon a politician was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, and being a concerned politician, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the politician said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the politician replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and 6 children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the politician answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the politician and said, "Sir, you are too kind." Thank you for caring for all of us."

The politician replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Men's Rules

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" from the female side....

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Dru

The Garden of Eden.

God and St. Francis are in discussion about the decline of the Garden of Eden on earth.

GOD:
"Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions,violets, milkweeds and stuff I started ages ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan.Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon.The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles."

St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring it’s not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord.They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST.. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight.They fertilise grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST.. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water and fertilize it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST.. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St.Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

A LITTLE DITTY

Forgetter Be Forgotten
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke.
for when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there',
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the hell was that?.
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

Dru

Phoney Tony


Image Could Not Be Found

THE COWBOY
Three men were waiting at Dallas Airport for their respective flights.
One was a lanky, brash, gun-chewing cowboy, one an elderly American Indian and the other a Fundamentalist Arab Student.
They got into conversation but when it was known that the Arab student was a devout radical Muslim, all were quiet.
"Three hundred years ago" said the Indian, "My people were many, and we roamed all over this vast land. Now we are few, and confined to reservations. I often wonder why"
"Three hundred years ago" sneered the student, "Islam was unknown here. Now there are thousands of Muslims everywhere. Do you know why that is?"
The cowboy stretched his legs our, pushed his Stetson to the back of his head and drawled,
"Waaal, Ah guess that's because we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet - but Ah reckon it's a'comin'"
-----------------------------------------------

An outback pub lined with the patrons utes and dogs in the trays. Two blokes came out and saw one of the dogs licking its balls. "gee I wish I could do that" said one. "Recon you ought to try patting him first" replied the other.

-------------------------------------

A woman out shopping with her husband spots a pair of boots she loves.
The husband says ”No chance love, they’re way too expensive”

Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck
and places his hand on her hip.

She turns to him and says. ”I don’t think so, pal....
If you’re not prepared to shoe the horse then you sure as hell aren’t riding it”

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An man goes for a job on a building site. The foreman says, "Can you brew tea?"
The man nods. "Good" says the foreman. "Can you drive a fork lift?"
"Why?" says the man. "How big is the teapot?"

A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room,



"Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel". .



The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter. .



Husband: "The window won't open! That's a bloody maintenance matter that needs immediate attention!"

One hot summer day, Boonga came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade
of a tree, and headed into the pub for a cold one..

Twenty minutes later, a cop entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog
tied under that tree outside?"

Boonga called out, " It's mine, mate."

"Your dog seems to be in heat" the cop said.

Boonga replied, "No way. She's cool as, 'cause she's tied up under that shade
tree."

The cop said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said Boonga. "That dog don't need no bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I
fed 'er this mornin'."

The exasperated cop said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have
sex!"

Boonga looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police
dog..."

THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and with great anticipation,
then crawled into bed, only to find her husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, ' It's Lent.'
In tears, she sobbed, ' Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!

'Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car in Sydney that read

'I miss Alice Springs'.

So I broke the windows, took the wireless and left half a dozen empty VB tinnies on the front seat with note that read,
'I hope this helps.'

Can I own a Canadian

Positively a brilliant and humorous response to the notion that the bible is the ultimate justification for any conflicting viewpoint in this day and age.

On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr Laura, written by a U.S. man, and posted on the Internet.
It's funny, as well as informative:


Dear Dr Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law.
I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.
When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example,

I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighbouring nations .
A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.
In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24.
The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9.
The problem is my neighbors.....They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.
Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality .
I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight.
I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.
How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean,
But may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments
made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).

He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.

Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)


I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James M. Kauffman, Ed. D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia

P.S. It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times

bill

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis"

bill