FRYDAY FUNNYS

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State Of Origin

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"A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy "half" a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some a$$hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half'.

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'New South Wales, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave New South Wales,' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby league players down there.'

'Really!' said the manager. 'My wife is from NSW!'

The boy replied, "No shiet??? Who did she play for?'"

Think we need "spell check" for the idiot who painted this sign

Image Could Not Be FoundMaîneÿ . . .

The Knob
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

Maîneÿ . . .

Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker...





Maîneÿ . . .

For all of us who are seniors - for all of you who know seniors -
and for all of you who will be seniors.
It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!

And, speaking of senior moments:

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?" The irate customer calling the
newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone,
followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,



"Well **** me dead .... that's why no one was at church today".

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!(I did!)

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the males side.

These are our rules: -
*Please note, these are all numbered "1" on purpose!

1 - Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.
1 - Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1 - Saturday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1 - Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1 - Crying is blackmail.
1 - Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
- Subtle hints do not work!
- Strong hints do not work!
- Obvious hints do not work!
- JUST SAT IT !
1 - 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1 - Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1 - A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1 - Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1 - If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1 - If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1 - You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
- Not Both
- If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1 - Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1 - Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1 - ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
- Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
- We have no idea what mauve is.
1 - If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1 - If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1 - If you ask a questio you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1 - Whene we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really!!
1 - Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as; -
- Sex,
- Sport, or
- 4wd's, cars, boats or fishing.
1 - You have enough clothes.
1 - You have too many shoes
1 - I am round. Round is a shape.
1 - Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.

Post this on the fridge tonight and see if you get you coffee and bacon and eggs tomorrow morning.

Whot mosteaks

Is their a priblamb

you don't mince ya words

Gawd I'm hungry

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband
accompany her on her trips to K -Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like
most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to
browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local
K -Mart.

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Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion
in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed
below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on
lay -by.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 17: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department.

8.. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ...

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, and waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
K -Mart

A BLONDE MOMENT

Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive,
double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was
complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I
had not paid for them yet.

Hellloo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically
stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had
told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay
for themselves! Helllooo'? (I told him). It's been a year'!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up....

He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the
guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.

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CONDOMS...

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.
They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

* Nike Condoms :::: Just do it

* Toyota Condoms :::: Oh what a feeling

* Ford Condoms :::: The ride of your life

* Optus Condoms :::: Yes!

* Duracell Condoms :::: Keep going& going& going

* Pringles Condoms :::: Once you pop you can't stop

* Hyundai Condoms :::: All day, every day

* Tip Top Condoms :::: Good onya mum
(available in Tasmania only)

* Panasonic Condoms :::: Even more than you expected

* VB Condoms :::: As a matter of fact, I've got one now

* Swan Lager Condoms :::: They said you'd never make it

* Vegemite Condoms :::: Puts a rose in every cheek

* Levi Condoms :::: Do you fit the legend?

* Nescafe Condoms :::: It brings you together.

The following brands wouldn't sell so well.....


* Goodyear Condoms :::: If it only saves you once a year.

* RTA Condoms :::: Speed kills

* Nobby's Condoms :::: Nibble Nobby's Nuts

* Bolle Condoms :::: Put them on your face

* Aussie Homeloans Condoms :::: We'll save you

* Nissan Condoms:::: Uncontrolled explosions included

*********************************************************
My 1 day employment

So after landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter, a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting
woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the
way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Bunnings.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long
enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone
slept with you twice.


Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three men: an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone I have a microchip in my hand."

Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse.

The others raised their eyebrows. "Will you look at that" says Paddy, "I'm getting a fax."





Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two bleep s."
"What? He had two bleep s?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two bleep s. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two bleep s....'"



Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Scotsmen retorts in disbelief. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Scotsmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

The Wife from Hell.

A husband and wife are on a Sunday drive, when a Police patrol pulls them over.
"Sir I just clocked your speed at 85kph in a 60 zone, may I see your licence please" says the officer. The husband quick as a flash replies,"I'm sorry officer, that's not possible. I have my cruise control set at 59kph, so there must be something wrong with your equipment."
The wife, who has continued unconcerned with her knitting, says "Now dear, you know we don't have cruise control." So the officer proceeds to write out the speeding ticket.
The husband looks at the wife and whispers "What the bloody hell did you say that for dopey." As he's writing out the ticket, the officer says "Sir I notice you are not wearing your seatbelt," to which the husband replies, "Oh I was officer, but I took it off when you pulled me over so I could get my licence out."
The wife still pre occupied with her knitting, pipes up "No you weren't. You never wear your seatbelt when driving." So the officer proceeds to write out a ticket for not wearing a seatbelt.
The husband now really upset, says "Why the bloody hell can't you keep your bloody mouth shut woman."
The officer a little embarrassed continues writing the ticket and says "Madam, does your husband always talk to you like this?"
The wife still quietly keeping on knitting, says.......

wait for it.......



"Only when he's been drinking."

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 Five Cent pieces to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the Restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Australian Tax Office.'


.

Barry and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.'

His second friend says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.'

Barry says, 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.'
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'


Barry goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated."
The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."
Barry comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.
The vet says, "What happened?"
Barry says, "The horse blew first."




Once Barry saw Bruce in a brand new Convertible Porsche.

Barry asked Bruce - Where did you get such a nice Car?

Bruce replied - Well, I was walking yesterday on a Beach minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this Car. She came out of the Car, took off all her Clothes and said, Take whatever you want.

Barry added approvingly - Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn`t have fitted you.



It's 10:00 PM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers, our Barry and Bruce, are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table.
A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet $5K on a single roll of the dice. Barry and Bruce agree.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. Barry and Bruce just stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally Barry asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

Bruce answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"



Newlyweds Barry and Doreen were on their honeymoon trip and were driving down in their car to Brisbane from their little town in CQ.

They were nearing Brisbane when Barry put his hand on Doreen's knee. Giggling, Doreen said shyly, 'Oh, Barry you can go farther than that if you want to...'

So Barry drove to Sydney.




Barry decides to do something he hasn't done before, and goes to the video store to take a X-rated adult video on rent. After looking around at the store, he selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

He drives home, lights some candles, Doreen slips into something comfortable, and they put the tape in the VCR. To their disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen. Barry is really furious and calls the store to complain stating, "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "Which title did you rent?"
Barry replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"

FORUM NOTICE

Due to the proliferation of wireless internet use, and associated data charges, the following will be implemented herewith to assist regular posters to the forum to minimise expense

If responding to a post, please choose one of the applicable numbers (or multiples thereof)

1. Use search
2. Use Google
3. It was the other person’s fault (I’m an excellent driver)
4. Why did I get booked, but police let other drivers, who aren’t as good as me, go? (I’m an excellent driver)
5. I shouldn’t get booked for disobeying stupid road rules. (I’m an excellent driver)
6. It’s because you drive a:
a. Toyota
b. Nissan
c. Mitsubishi
d. Land Rover
e. Jeep
f. other
7. It’s because you don’t drive a:
a. Toyota
b. Nissan
c. Mitsubishi
d. Land Rover
e. Jeep
f. other
8. They don’t make them as good as when they were made in:
a. Australia
b. UK
c. USA
9. It’s not as good as the one I use, because mine wasn’t made in:
a. China
b. anywhere else in Asia
c. India
d. Europe
e. Any country where I don’t understand what they say
10. It’s all the fault of a stupid:
a. Government
b. Bureaucracy
c. Big business
d. Small business
e. Police.
f. Greenie
g. Welfare recipient
h. Judge
i. Law
11. It broke; whom or what can I blame?
12 It’s all a revenue raising exercise by
a. Big Business
b. Small business
c. Government
d. Police
e. Bureaucrats
f. the last person who ripped me off
13. I have my rights. Only people who agree with me also have rights. Where there is a conflict, mine have priority
14. Politicians are paid too much for doing nothing other than pandering to the people whom I disagree with
15. The world is going to rack and ruin. Standards have slipped since:
a. Rudd came to power
b. the 1990’s (or when Howard came to power)
c. the 1980’s (or when Hawke came to power)
d. the 1970’s (or when Whitlam came to power)
e. the 1960’s (or when Holt came to power)
f. the 1950’s (or when Menzies came to power)
g. the1940’s (or when Chifley came to power)
h. All politicians are crooks, but it was better when I was a kid
16. I watched it, heard it, read it and agree with it. Therefore, its truth is proven
17. My opinion is right. The fact that you don’t agree with me proves the inferiority of your opinion. I don’t have to defend my opinion to inferior beings
18. It wasn’t my fault

It is hoped that by using these, regular posters will be able to continue debates without inflicting undue expense to either themselves or others.

Doreen awoke during the night to find that her husband Barry was not in bed.

She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye.

'What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?' she asked.

'Do you remember 20 years ago when we met and you were only 16?' Barry asked.

'Yes I do.' she replied.

'Do you remember when your father caught us when we were making out secretly in your room?'

'Yes I remember.'

'Do you remember your father when he shoved that gun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?'

'Yes I do', she replied.

Barry wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'You know I would have gotten out today.'

I dare you…
One-point dares
1. Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
3. Leave you fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way”.
4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
5. While going in the elevator, gasp dramatically each time the doors open.
6. When in the elevator with one other person, top them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.
7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy …”
8. Don’t use any punctuation.
9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.
Three-point dares.
1. Say to your boss, “I like your style”, wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
4. Every time you get an email, shout “email”.
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, “dagnamit, it’s happened again!”. Then do it again.
7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as “the office bicycle”. Then wink and pout.
8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can’t seem to access any pornography web sites.
Five-point dares
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Dave”.
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two”.
5. When you’ve picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, “she can abort it for all I care”.
6. After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: “The report’s on your desk, Mon.” Keep this up for one hour.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap you forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!”
9. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind. It’s gone now.”
10. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.
11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
14. Sign or p.p all letters with your initials and a swastika.
15. Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, “I’ll see you tonight”.

Dear John

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV.
My car started stalling and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been
married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?


Sincerely,
Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.


I hope this helps, John

The funeral
A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral. The funeral coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

The man couldn't stifle his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog: "I am so sorry to disturb you on such a sad occasion, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied: "That first coffin is for my wife." The man replied, sombrely.

"What happened to her?" asked the man.

"My dog attacked and killed her." was the shocking reply.

"Well, who is in the second coffin?" the man asked in awe at such a tale.

“My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife, when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.


Then the man asks in excitement: "Can I borrow the dog?"


The man replied: "Join the queue..."

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute..







After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Woooooooooo!

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.



The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............






NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

The children had all been photographed for school pictures, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer.' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's teacher, she's dead."

One day a man drove his secretary home after she fell ill at work. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later, that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant.

Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

A parrot was in a pet shop with a string attached to each leg when a man walked in looking to buy a pet. A shopkeeper came over and started to try and sell him a dog when the man noticed the parrot. He asked what the strings were for and the shopkeeper replied,
"Well, if you pull the right string the parrot says, 'Polly wanna cracker'. If you pull the left string it says, 'My name's Sam' ".

The man being of the inquisitive nature tried each one and thought it was really cool, but was still curious. So he asked what would happen if he pulled both strings, the parrot piped up,
"I'd fall off the perch you idiot!"

Colin the Aborigin

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and
Flirting..
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of
Stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said “No.”

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?





Colin said,
'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'

Two Choices


With the economy the way it is and John just getting laid off from his first job, he decided to go into service. John went to the recruiting station. He took some tests and was told by the recruiter he could go in either the Army or the Navy. John asked the recruiters advice and was told.....

If you go in the Navy, you will be OK. If you go in the Army, you have two choices.
You can go either into the infantry or the artillery. If you go in the artillery you'll be OK but if you go in the infantry you have two choices. You will either go to war or not go to war.

If you don't go to war, you'll be OK. If you go to war, you have two choices. You will either be in the front lines or the rear lines. If your in the rear lines you'll be OK. However, if your in the front lines, you have two choices.

You will either be shot or not shot. If your not shot you'll be OK. If your shot you'll have two choices. Your either going to be injured or killed.

If your injured, you'll be OK. If your killed you have two choices. Your either going to heaven or hell.

If you go to heaven you'll be OK. If you go to hell you have two choices. You will either go to the paper factory or the glue factory.

If you go to the glue factory you'll be OK. If you go to the paper factory, you have two choices. You will either become newspaper or toilet paper.

If you become newspaper you'll be OK. If you become toilet paper you have two choices. Your either going to be put in the men's room or the ladies room.

If you go in the men's room you'll be OK. If you go in the ladies room you have two choices.

Inner Peace







If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people

with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to

give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,





Then...
















You Are Probably The Family Dog!

TOOLS AS EXPLAINED BY AN ENGINEER

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh ****'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling.
'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Confession


A man enters a confessional and says to the Priest,
'Father, it has been one month since my last confession: I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.' The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'.
Soon, another man enters the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession: I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.'
This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies.
'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'.
The next morning at mass, the Priest is preparing to deliver his homily when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, 'Is that Fannie Green?'

'No, Father. I think it is the reflection off her shoes

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem.. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators!

Mick's Missus . . . . . . Camp'n and Fish'n

Mick was attending his 4wd club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming Cape Keraudren camping and fishing trip because his missus wouldn't let him go??

After copping the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks Mick left to go back home to the missus.

When Mick's mates started arriving to set up camp at Cape Keraudren the following week who should be there; but Mick sitting up in front of his 4WD, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk ya missus into letting you go Mick?"

"I didn't have to ," was Mick's reply."When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, "Surprise".

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want’.



. . . SO HERE I AM !!!