Phriday Phunnies

A retired couple, Margaret and Bert, moved toTamworth ...

Bert always wanted a pair of R.M. WILLIAMS boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'No Darl.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for new R.M. Williams boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow, 'cause its always that way'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? DO YOU?'

'No Darl', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT ME NEW R.M. WILLIAMS BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

'Shoulda bought an Akubra, Bert.

SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).


WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.

THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN
WITH JUST SECONDS
LEFT TO LIVE!
(FRIGHTENING !)

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Image Could Not Be Found

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you see me rob this bank?' The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber then shot him in the Temple , killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

Paddy was walking along the street in Dublin when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire.

Paddy being the kind-hearted Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he can help and notices people trapped 5 stories up.

Paddy yells to the people "I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, the Irish Rugby Union fullback, if you jump I'll catch you."

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.

Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and jumps.

Sure enough Paddy catches him safely.

Then a black man jumps out and falls to the ground, Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.

Paddy looked up and yelled. "Don't throw out the burnt ones!"

Priorities!!!

When things in your life seem almost to much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar......and the beer.

A Professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The Professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "Yes."

The Professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now", said the Professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things - your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first", he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that
are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner.

Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

When he had finished, there was a profound silence. Then one of the students raised her hand and with a puzzled expression, inquired what the beer represented.

The Professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

A Drover and a Crocodile

A Drover walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons and says.

'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his Mouth for one minute.'
'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unitunscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The drover stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the drover grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The drover stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd and after a while a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up.....................

'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

How To Avoid The Flu

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the
elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of
antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.


OR

You can take the doctor’s office approach. Think about it, when you go for
a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because
alcohol kills germs. So, I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my
Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio
(fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass
out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can’t
get you!!!!

One Day at the Airport

A man was sitting in the bar at Mascot Terminal and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself:"Wow,she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for."

"I can still call Australia home" he says to her.
She pulled away from him and gave an ice cold glare.
"Obviously not QANTAS." He thought.

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned over towards her again and said, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself, while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.

He thought 'Perhaps she works for Thai Airways...' and said, "Smooth as Silk?"
This time the woman turned on him and said "What the bloody hell do you want?"



The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Jetstar!"

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I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me.

Today, we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

A doctor on breakfast television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece





A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 10th wedding anniversary when the wife says, "Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession........before we were married I was a hooker for eight years."

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says........."My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, so it would be unfair of me to hold your past against you......in fact maybe you could show me a few of your old tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?"

She said "I don't think you understand, my name was Mike and I played for Taranaki ........"





An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The
doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are
great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is
pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an
older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a
season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry
and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he
neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the
water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent
creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two
shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple
of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".





Two Kiwi girls are browsing around a perfume counter, one picks up a sample bottle, sprays it on her wrist and smells it.
"That's quite nice, don't you fink Trace?"
"Yeah Sharon, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the fock does that mean?"
At this stage the shop assistant offers some help.
"Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'"
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying,
"That doesn't smell like come to me Trace. Does it smell like come to you?




I was on the phone to a mate of mine the other day.
He's moved to New Zealand as part of his Job.
He was a little bleep off at first until he realised that the exchange rate favored him.
So after a while there he got himself a big morgage and is having a big house built just outside Whykikkamoocow.

Anyway I was on the phone and every five minutes I hear him scream "green side up boys"
It was odd and at first I ignored it, but eventualy I got the s***s and asked him if it couldn't wait till we were off the phone.
He apologised and said "I'm afraid I need to keep on top of the kiwi tradesman. They're laying my new turf"

Johnny's little sister 'Little Sally' came home from school
with a smile on her face, and told her mother.

'Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say,
'it reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked. 'Really small,
was it?'

Sally replied, 'No.....salty.'

NEED CHEERING UP?????

Watch your Wedding Video backwards!!!



You'll love the end bit where you take the ring off, go back down the aisle, jump in the car and bugger off with your mates!!!!!

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Rudd fans?

Not really knowing what a Rudd fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for the infamous, Little Billy, in the front row.

The teacher asked Little Billy why he has decided to be different.

'Because I'm not a Rudd fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Rudd fan?'

'Because I'm a Liberal'

The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal.

Billy proudly answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Billy replied, 'That would make me a Rudd fan.'

WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD. Hysterics might set in... this piece paints a very vivid picture...

Guy went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action. Was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a Massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to S**t yourself' Road-kill chilli.
Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of Your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite Habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, bleep , gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time..
The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The Peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ..............BIG Mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Woolies . I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

(waz not me)

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'

******************************

A guy is driving around outback Australia and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale ." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was
one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired"

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that bleep e."

***************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Grandparents:


1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under

the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd

done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and

started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you

forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never

put lipstick on again without thinking abou t kissing the toilet paper

good-bye....



2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy

Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62.

My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked,

"Did you start at 1?"



3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother

changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to

wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and

more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she

threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,

putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the

room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,

"Who was THAT?"



4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what

her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside

0A
on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a

tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild

raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed,

taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to

know you sooner!"



5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,

"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I

mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we

alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.



6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her

grandfather's word processor. She told him she was

writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."



7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her

colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out

something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and

was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At

last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think

you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"



8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin,

we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from

attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.

Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa.

Now the mosqu itoes are coming after us with flashlights."



9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly

replied, "I'm not sure."

"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says

I'm 4 to 6."



10. A second grader came home from school and said to her

grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to

make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little

surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said,

"how do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add

'es'."



11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a

public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote:

"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The

teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't

you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means

carrying a child."



12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to

their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.

Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said another. "He's just for good l uck."

A third child brought the argument to a close.."They use

the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."



13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.

"Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want

her, we just go get her.. Then, when we're done having her

visit, we take her back to the airport."



14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good

good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart

as him!



15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you

hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

I love this Doctor !



Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.




Q:Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.

Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.

Bottoms up!



Q:How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q:What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q:Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!

.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?

HELLO

Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION


Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

The following are a number of transcribed conversations to technical support departments:
--
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Christine says: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute.. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk.. Sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and --.
Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
==============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer.' I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
==============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies..
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer:
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last, but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Mickey, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P " to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!