Firiday Funnies

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,

'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand,

but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'
'Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing
it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbour?'


The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.


Grumpy leads the pack.


"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"


Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?"


The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ."


In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.


Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.


Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?"


The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .


"This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.


Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.


Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"


The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."


The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......




"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"


"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.
BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE".
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET. "
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES.
BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"


BILLY SAYS: "IT WORKS FOR TOMATO SAUCE!"

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These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the
New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy,
are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom & has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others. [my favorite]

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers . The comments were
taken off actual police car videos around the country :

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.................. Sign here."

These are what you call locusts


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Irish Hunting Trip

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena was hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reported for her first day promptly at 8:00 a.m.

The next day at 8:45 a.m., there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ...

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.'


'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.'

Scent of freshness:

A new Aldi supermarket opened in Toowoomba, Australia, recently.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and bratwurst.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalising smell of fresh baked bread and cakes.

I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.

Finally someone has cleared this up for me.........

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a :-
A. Taxi license in Adelaide
B. Convenience store in Melbourne
C. Service station in Perth
D. Kebab shop in Brisbane
E. Take away cafe in Sydney

If there is nothing there, he must stay in India and take a job answering telephones giving technical advise to Telstra & Optus customers in Australia.

How to walk your ACD (Australian Cattle Dog) through the local park...for the new owner

For some ACD owners, the stroll to the local dog-of-leash area (LDOLA) is a peaceful, nature-filled experience. Your surrounded by happy bounding dogs greeting one another as tho' they were crib siblings. This guide probably isn't for you...

For the other 99.999999% of ACD owners, who sit outside the off-leash pen dreaming of the serenity only to have thier arm half ripped off by what feels like a Top-Fuel drag car tethered to your wrist, but, is really your cute lunging puppy or older fixating dog or small-demon-monster, this guide on "How to walk your ACD through a Park" may be of assistance.
Firstly let me introduce me. Im almost 50. I've never owned a dog before. I have looked after plenty and I am experienced in dealing with them, including farm dogs. I recently took on a 16 month old bitch for rescue, she is un-everything and has an aggression-to-socialise issue, sorta' like me dad was...
I am doing this write because I could not find what i was looking for. I posted to forums, some with thousands of members, but got little help apart from the needle or farm-bullet.

Hopefully this write will save a few more of the breed from all that. They are a joy to own, but don't let them own you because it will never fully trust you and never be predictable...Have you walked your ACD past a duck lately? Patience and perseverance is the key, and don;t be afraid to take a holiday.

"How to walk your ACD through the local park" really starts with "How to get to the park" but preceding that is some solid preparation.
Firstly, and to save a lot of work, if you can get a C17 side-view infra-red surveillance jet from the RAAF to do a fly past. this would be handy.
Your not looking for Osama, your not really worried about the other breeds, your really only looking out for other blueys, they get so excited seeing there brethren.
Failing the RAAF fly-bys or hacking the ASIO satellites or stalking google live, your going to have to dig a reconnaissance trench. This will also double later as a retreat trench.
Don't worry about the mess, once you are a clever ACD owner you will be using geography, distraction, camouflage, binoculars and never walk on the bike path is your mantra. ACD owners may also employ a pespi-maxed 15 year-old internet-gamer to walk the dog 'cause there the only creatures, apart from another bluey, fast enough to outthink & outmove a ACD.
After reconnoitering the intended route for six months, yes, some ACD owners have to do the rounds, work a path out through the area that is going to give you the maximum amount of cover. Use the hills and slopes for added dimension, remember, your dog is a lot shorter than you.
Practice the path without the dog at least once during dog-arvo, you don't want any surprises like running accross someone with two blueys on tow. Two blueys towing a human can plough a field faster than the biggest international harvester...
Once your confident you an get through the field unscathed, now is the time to consider your fall-back positions.
"Sit" or "down" are valid but my primary fall-back position is "heel" while walking in a wide circle. This tells other bluey owners im in a holding pattern and that I will wait till they have passed. It also reinforces my dogs heel training,
On your day out, if you are lucky you may have a big field on the way. Something the size of 5 MCG's would be suitable. You may get a turn at walking to the center and unclipping the dog for a precious few minutes, perhaps throw a frisbee or ball for some fetches.
Once your in the field keep a sharp eye out for other owners in a holding pattern. Your dog may start grazing the field or chasing flys, or both at the same time, but this is OK, to a bluey, flys are the cattle you have when you can't have cattle, claytons cattle, and the grass is fibre.
After you turn in the middle, clip up your leash and start the journey out. Don't worry about the two other ACD owners circling at either end of the field, the curvature of the earth will prevent the dogs from seeing each other.
On the way out, if any living thing enters the field turn in the opposite direction. The ACD owners at each end will see you and will orbit around to new positions so everyone can get through.
Continue your way along to the LDOLA keeping an eye out all the time.
Modern sculptured gardens are a ACD owners second best friend. They allow ACD traffic splitting, calming, holding, zigging, zagging and most importantly, all done with a solid screen of vegetation in between.
By the time you reach your LDOLA you would have zig-zagged your way accross 5 hectares of land. Never mind the LDOLA is only 400 meters from your back fence, tie the dog to the post you concreted in last week and have a good rest...

For the return journey it is best to wait till dusk and hope no-one switch's the field lights on...

Good-luck to the new ACD owners...

Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere ye go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

Paddy is the new supervisor

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Adam and eve Muslim version

Adam and eve Muslim version



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They were funny looking buildings, that were once a way of life,
If you couldn't sprint the distance, then you really were in strife.

They were nailed, they were wired, but were mostly falling down,
There was one in every yard, in every house, in every town.

They were given many names, some were even funny,
But to most of us, we knew them as the outhouse or the dunny.

I've seen some of them all gussied up, with painted doors and all,
But it really made no difference, they were just a port of call.

Now my old man would take a bet, he'd lay an even pound,
That you wouldn't make the dunny with them turkeys hangin' round.

They had so many uses, these buildings out the back,"
You could even hide from mother, so you wouldn't get the strap.

That's why we had good cricketers, never mind the bumps,
We used the pathway for the wicket and the dunny door for stumps.

Now my old man would sit for hours, the smell would rot your socks,
He read the daily back to front in that good old thunderbox.

And if by chance that nature called sometime through the night,
You always sent the dog in first, for there was no flamin' light.

And the dunny seemed to be the place where crawlies liked to hide,
But never ever showed themselves until you sat inside.

There was no such thing as Sorbent, no tissues there at all,
Just squares of well read newspaper, a hangin' on the wall.

If you had some friendly neighbours, as neighbours sometimes are,
You could sit and chat to them, if you left the door ajar.

When suddenly you got the urge, and down the track you fled,
Then of course the magpies were there to peck you on your head.

Then the time there was a wet, the rain it never stopped,
If you had an urgent call, you ran between the drops.


The dunny man came once a week, to these buildings out the back,
And he would leave an extra can, if you left for him a zac.

For those of you who've no idea what I mean by a zac,
Then you're too young to have ever had, a dunny out the back.

For it seems today they call them the bathroom, or the loo,
If you've never had one out the back, then I feel sorry for you.

For it used to be a way of life, to race along the track,
To answer natures call, at these buildings out the back.

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house
Her neighbour’s dog while they went on their holidays. The only
Problem was that
The spinsters own dog was a bitch that was 'in heat' and the neighbour’s dog
Was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep
The two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep, the spinster was suddenly
Awakened
By an awful howling and moaning sound from downstairs. She rushed
Downstairs to find the dogs locked together - mating. The dogs were
In obvious pain howling but unable to disengage. Try as she might she
Could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the Vet, and after a few
Rings a rather grumpy voice of the Vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem.

The Vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it
Down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise
Of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection
And be able to withdraw from the bitch."

"Oh," said the spinster ... "Do you think that will work?"



"Well," the Vet replied, "IT JUST WORKED ON ME !!!!!!"

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Why Australia is in Trouble




The population of this country is 23 million




10 million are retired




That leaves 13 million to do the work




There are 8 million in school




Leaving 5 million to do the work




Of these, 2.7 million are “employed” by the federal government




So there’re only 2.3 million to do the work




400,000 are in the armed forces, busy trying to catch Osama Bin-Laden




Which leaves 1.9 million to do the work




Take from that total the 1.5 million people who “work” for state and city governments




Just 0.4 million left to do the work




At any given time there are 18,800 people in hospitals




Leaving 381,200 to do the work




Currently we have 380,198 people in prisons




That leaves just two people to do the work




You and me




And there you are




Sitting on your ass




At the computer, reading jokes




Nice….. Real nice.

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Twenty pounds' she whispers.
Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop

'I'm making love to me wife!,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face.

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An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a
>> Black African bush tribe whose men all had bleep es 24 inches long. When the
>> male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his bleep and on the
>> other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the bleep to 24 inches.
>>
>> Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
>> wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African
>> string-and-weight procedure?"
>> The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his bleep .
>>
>> A few days later, the wife asked her husband, "How is our little
>> tribal experiment coming along?"
>> "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
>>
>> "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
>>
>> "No, he said, it's turned black."