Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 07:33
ThreadID: 137504 Views:2246 Replies:11 FollowUps:1
A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.
He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chili con carne.
After ten minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks, "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says.
"Nah, ye can gae ahead."
Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili back into the bowl.
The old Jock says. "Aye, that's as far as I got too."
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 07:35

Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 07:35
A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.
He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chili con carne.
After ten minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks, "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says.
"Nah, ye can gae ahead."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili back into the bowl.



The old Jock says. "Aye, that's as far as I got too."
AnswerID: 622338

Reply By: Member - MIKE.G - Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 07:55

Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 07:55
The Haircut.


A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car
.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

Love the Dad's reply.......



"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
AnswerID: 622339

Reply By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 07:59

Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 07:59
SCHOOL ASSIGNMENT



They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold SES cookies and I made $30 she said proudly.
"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success".
"Very good", said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next.
"I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said."
$2,467!" cried the teacher,
"What in the world were you selling?
"Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher.
"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny,
"I set up a Chip & Dip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing.
"Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"
Then I would say, "It is dog poop, you wanna buy a toothbrush?"
I used the Bill Shorten method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth.

AnswerID: 622340

Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 10:42

Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 10:42
Brilliant, many in Vic many can't remember the taste and go for it again and again and just keep buying the toothbrushes.
7
FollowupID: 895194

Reply By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 08:07

Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 08:07
THE WIFE


After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it !


Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!"
I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.!


The wife's been hinting she wants something black and lacy for her birthday.
So I've got her a pair of football boots!


My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner;
- so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm!


My wife apologised for the first time ever today.
She said she's sorry she ever married me!


My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side:
- I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason !


Things turned really ugly at my house last night.
The wife removed her makeup.!


My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her.
I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface.!
AnswerID: 622341

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 09:01

Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 09:01
Sky News Report.
The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement.
It was a mortar attack.

***********************************************************

Subject: Travel Plans

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently,you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children,
friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in.
It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

bill
AnswerID: 622342

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 09:23

Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 09:23
Neighbours. Some are great and then there others...



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bill
AnswerID: 622343

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 10:34

Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 10:34
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Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 622344

Reply By: aussiedingo (River Rina) - Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 10:36

Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 10:36
"the only thing constant in my life is change"




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Reply By: Gerard S - Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 11:06

Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 11:06
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Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 11:48

Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 11:48
The Old Bloke

An old bloke living in north Queensland owned a bit of a farm on which was a large pond.

It wasn't a bad swimming hole so he planted a couple of fruit trees around it and put in a picnic table.

One hot afternoon he decided to go down for a swim and pick some fuit while he was there.

Off he went with his five-gallon bucket and as he neared the pool he could female voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he got to the pool he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

When the women saw him they screamed and moved to the deep end, shouting at him to p#ss off and refusing to get out until he left.

The old bloke replied "I didn't come down to perve and make you get out" holding up his bucket, he said "I'm here to feed the crocodiles!"

Some old blokes can still think pretty fast!
AnswerID: 622348

Reply By: OBJ - Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 17:00

Friday, Nov 30, 2018 at 17:00
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