Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 06:15
ThreadID: 137529 Views:2455 Replies:16 FollowUps:8
The Gay Cowboy

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 06:19

Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 06:19
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!

We need the height, and she gives us the bloody length.
AnswerID: 622483

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 07:10

Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 07:10
Three guys in Heaven

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big. What kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, "How long were you married?" He answered, "24 years." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?", St. Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times ... but you said I was forgiven." St. Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walked up and got the same question from St. Peter. He answered, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out." St. Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "St. Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" St. Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar, crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked him what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!"
AnswerID: 622486

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 08:20

Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 08:20
The Jewish Elbow.

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments.
I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door.
With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.
Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor.
When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What? You're coming empty handed?"

bill
AnswerID: 622488

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 08:23

Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 08:23
There are enough visitors on this site to appreciate the next one.....

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher sent them an email:

"Let me see if I've got this right.

You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behaviour, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress
habits, censor their T-shirt messages and instill in them a love for learning.

You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and s*xually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a chequebook, and
apply for a job.

You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behaviour, and ensure that they all pass their final exams.

You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

You want me to do all this, and then you tell me ...... I can't wear a little cross, or say Merry Christmas, because someone might take offense?"

bill
AnswerID: 622489

Follow Up By: Hewy54 - Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 08:26

Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 08:26
If there was like button here I would use it.
Well said.
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FollowupID: 895399

Follow Up By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 08:28

Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 08:28
Click on the Thumbs Up button. Works the same way.
5
FollowupID: 895400

Follow Up By: RobynR4 - Saturday, Dec 08, 2018 at 12:57

Saturday, Dec 08, 2018 at 12:57
It's well known to teachers and features on coffee cups, t-shirts, etc...with another dozen or so things we do (sports coach and sports psychologist, first aider, life saver (oh, the anaphylactic kiddies these days), I.T guru (oops-don't make me laugh on that one!!), etc etc...and please don't forget that I'm not supposed to give a hug to sad kids or silly stuff like that, too...
Thank you for all the thumbs up from those who recognise what we do.
And to anyone who thinks it's an easy job...I'm about to have a 5 week holiday where I'll be catching up on sleep for the first 2 (I've just spent 39 very intensive weeks teaching 5 year olds to love learning), relaxing for just 2, then going into school the last week to rearrange and find things after moving classrooms for the 11th time in 13 years.
I wish you all, in advance, a Merry Christmas and a very relaxing holiday (for the non-retired folk out there!)
:)
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FollowupID: 895444

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 08:25

Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 08:25
A young man was visiting his elderly father in an aged care facility.
They sat having a cup of tea with a care worker when the old chap started to lean sideways.
“Sit up, Fred. Or you?ll fall off the chair.” the carer said.
A few minutes later, the old man did the same thing and leaned sideways again.
“You must stop doing that, Fred. You?ll topple off the chair,” the carer said.
The carer left then, and the young man asked his father. “Everything OK, Dad.”
“Oh yes, quite good. The food?s good - but they won?t let you fart.”


bill

My wife thinks I might fall off my chair too.....
AnswerID: 622490

Reply By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 08:31

Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 08:31
A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile .

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people paddling and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people paddling.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were paddling.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the paddling team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people paddling the boat greater incentive to work harder . It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the paddlers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices , and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.


The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off one paddler, halted development of a new canoe , sold all the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated paddler was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles), so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly, the End.

Here's something else to think about:

GM has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US.

The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while GM rack s up 9 billion in losses.

GM folks are still scratching their heads, and collecting bonuses....


IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY.
AnswerID: 622492

Follow Up By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 08:39

Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 08:39
Lets make America GREAT again.

I know just the guy to do that.......

3
FollowupID: 895401

Follow Up By: Member - Bigfish - Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 09:25

Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 09:25
Donald J.(for genius..his words) Trump will sort it.....
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FollowupID: 895403

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 11:43

Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 11:43
A couple of classic oldies:

• CHICKEN AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly, and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before he too slams down the lid. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"


Next time you have a bad day at work ... think of this bloke.

Guy is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
She then sent it to radio station 103.2 Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So, what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, and five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 622501

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 11:49

Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 11:49
Who says our politicians (one at least anyway), don't have a sense of humour?
Minister from WA (Member for Mandurah) sings
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 622503

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 11:50

Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 11:50
Three handsome male dogs were walking down the street when they saw a beautiful, enticing, female poodle. The three male dogs fell over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but ended up arriving in front of her at the same time.



The males were speechless before her beauty, slobbering all over themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decided to be kind and tell them:

“The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”

“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurted the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the lab’s sentence.”

She then turned to the final dog and said, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, was the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gave her a smile, a sly wink, turned to the Golden Retriever and the lab and said....

“Liver alone, cheese mine."
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

Lifetime Member
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AnswerID: 622504

Reply By: Zippo - Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 12:49

Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 12:49
"you must not post content with adult themes, pornography, adult or mature content."

Malcolm, you're gonna get busted ;-)
AnswerID: 622506

Follow Up By: Malcom M - Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 13:08

Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 13:08
What adult content?
Normal behaviour now a days
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FollowupID: 895414

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 12:55

Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 12:55
VERY SMART DOGGIE

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.
AnswerID: 622508

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 12:56

Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 12:56
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a black leather bra, stiletto's and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me and said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love
you'...then we made love all night long.

The mistress: 'Ah! Me, too. The other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not
say anything.... .but we had wild sex all night.'

The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready-- leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:

'Hey, Batgirl! What's for dinner?'
AnswerID: 622509

Reply By: Bill R5 - Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 14:09

Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 14:09
Sal Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.

He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second

on the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realised he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

AnswerID: 622512

Follow Up By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Saturday, Dec 08, 2018 at 13:16

Saturday, Dec 08, 2018 at 13:16
I think Michelle's post probably meant this kind of joke. No?
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FollowupID: 895445

Follow Up By: Ron N - Saturday, Dec 08, 2018 at 16:28

Saturday, Dec 08, 2018 at 16:28
Bill, it's called "black humour", and it doesn't appeal to everyone. To each their own.

Personally, I find it unfunny, particularly when your own family has experienced a particularly tragic death.

Cheers, Ron.
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FollowupID: 895449

Reply By: Ron N - Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 14:40

Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 14:40
Larry the Loverboy was in bed with another blokes wife when the husband came home unexpectedly.

In a panic, Larry jumped straight out of the bedroom window and started running.
Spotting a bunch of joggers just ahead, Larry thought it would be good to catch up to them and join them.

After 5 minutes of running with the joggers, the bloke next to him glanced at him and said, "Do you always run in the nude?"

"Oh, yes," replied Larry. "I find it very stimulating".

"And do you always run with a condom on?", inquired the other jogger.

"Well", said Larry, "to tell you the truth, it was raining when I started out!"




Young Billy was approached by the gorgeous new wife that had only recently moved in next door.

She said to him, "Billy, I need some bread and milk from the shops. Do you think you could go for me?"

"No", said Billy. "But I heard Dad say he could".



I used to have a job at a factory that made fire hydrants, but I had to chuck it in.
The main problem was, there was nowhere to park at the place.



A Surgeon, an Architect and a Civil Servant were discussing which profession was the worlds oldest.

The Surgeon said, "When God took a rib from Adam to make Woman, this proves that surgery is the worlds oldest profession!"

"Hang on", said the Architect - "before that, God restored order from chaos, so he would have needed the services of an Architect! That proves my profession is older!"

The Civil Servant chimed in, "But who do you think created the chaos in the first place!?"


AnswerID: 622513

Reply By: Gerard S - Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 17:23

Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 17:23
AnswerID: 622515

Reply By: Member - MIKE.G - Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 20:49

Friday, Dec 07, 2018 at 20:49
AnswerID: 622522

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