Friday's for silly stories

Submitted: Friday, Sep 14, 2018 at 00:21
ThreadID: 137249 Views:2860 Replies:9 FollowUps:1
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Mother's Driver's License

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mummy', the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age', the mother replied.
'It's not polite'.

'OK', the little girl says,
'What colour was your hair 2 years ago?'


'Now really', the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really
none of your business'.

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mum won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her
friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you
are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

'I also know that you used to have brown hair.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a
divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because on your driving licence it says you got an "F" in sex'

..........,,,,,,,,,,,,..............

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”

Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”



Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”

Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”



It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.



A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!



Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!"



Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."

His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"



Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.

Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."

Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"

3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"

"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!



A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".



In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.

................................................................................

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

................................................................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

................................................................................

The last is always best

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"



.........,,,,,,,,,,............

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next
to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the
descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance
to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.



The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,
"And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

..........,,,,,,,,,,,,............













This is too true to be funny.
The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.
A billion Dollars ago was only 13 hours and 12 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.


Stamp Duty
Tobacco Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Income Tax
Council Tax
Unemployment Tax
Fishing Licence Tax
Petrol/Diesel Tax
Inheritance Tax
(tax on top of tax)
Alcohol Tax
G.S.T.
Property Tax
Service charge taxes
Superannuqtion Tax
Vehicle Licence / Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Carbon Dioxide Tax


STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 60 years ago and our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt.
We had the largest middle class in the world. Mum stayed home to raise the kids, Dad and teachers were allowed to discipline kids.
A criminals life was uncomfortable.

Boat people were kids sailing on the harbour.

What the hell happened?
'Political Correctness', ‘Politicians or both?'I hope this goes around Australia and beyond
at least 100 times


























Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Sep 14, 2018 at 10:53

Friday, Sep 14, 2018 at 10:53
"Cash, cheque or card?" the cashier asked. As the woman looked for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him."


A Public servant dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the Angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand and says 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you. Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Public servant sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.'
'Congratulations for what?' says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. 'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!'
The Public servant is awe-struck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth agape. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says, 'Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.' 'That's simply impossible son,' says Saint Peter. 'We've added up your time sheets......'

Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 621206

Reply By: Ron N - Friday, Sep 14, 2018 at 11:01

Friday, Sep 14, 2018 at 11:01
FRIDAYS DOG JOKES ...

(1) An old fella walked into an Outback pub with his dog, and an apparently tame, big goanna.

The old bloke placed the goanna on top of the pub piano, while the dog hopped up onto the piano stool.

To the amazement of the bar drinkers, the dog commenced playing the piano - and the goanna started to sing along with the music that the dog was playing magnificently.

The Barman rewarded the old bloke with a free beer, and said, "That's an amazing act, and those animals of yours are incredible! You're wasting your time in an Outback pub! You should be on stage in the Big Smoke!"

"Ahhh, they aren't really all that good", said the old fella. "The goanna's tone deaf and can't sing a note, and the dog's just a ventriloquist".



(2) Gladys has been invited to a dinner date with her new boyfriend, Fred.

Gladys says, "I think your dog really likes me, Fred! He hasn't taken his eyes off me all night!".

Fred says, "Oh no, it's nothing to do with liking you. It's just that you're eating off his plate!".



(3) Some friends own a fabulous watch dog. So far, he's watched their car get stolen, watched a thief nick their new lawnmower, and watched burglars ransacking their house.


(4) The spectators at the local cricket match were stunned to see the next batsman was a kelpie dog.
The dog took up the bat, and whacked several balls for fours and sixes.

"That is just absolutely amazing!!", commented an out-of-town spectator.

"Yeah", said one of the locals. "He's here regularly, and he's pretty good - but he's a complete disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to take up football".


Cheers, Ron.
AnswerID: 621207

Follow Up By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, Sep 14, 2018 at 11:19

Friday, Sep 14, 2018 at 11:19
"Oh no, it's nothing to do with liking you. It's just that you're eating off his plate!"

That's not funny Ron. And no I don't want to talk about it.
Dave. :)
3
FollowupID: 893736

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Sep 14, 2018 at 11:52

Friday, Sep 14, 2018 at 11:52
Little Akio

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult ?
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: " bleep the Japs."
"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!"
Little Akio said quietly, "The American people, when Donald Trump was elected, November 2016.





AnswerID: 621209

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Sep 14, 2018 at 12:52

Friday, Sep 14, 2018 at 12:52
Police Raid in Collingwood

Victoria Police just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tonnes of heroin and $5 million in forged Australian Banknotes all in a Housing Commission house behind the Collingwood Public Library.

Local residents were stunned.
A community spokesman said: "We're shocked. We never knew we had a Library!!"
AnswerID: 621210

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Sep 14, 2018 at 12:58

Friday, Sep 14, 2018 at 12:58
Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in and asks Eric what the problem is.
"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I’m in deep trouble”.
"What kind of question? Asked Tom.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat, grumpy and ugly."

"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah", said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said, 'Of course I DO....'"
AnswerID: 621211

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Sep 14, 2018 at 13:00

Friday, Sep 14, 2018 at 13:00
An Australian Salesman in Harrods.

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said....



'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'
AnswerID: 621212

Reply By: Gerard S - Friday, Sep 14, 2018 at 18:04

Friday, Sep 14, 2018 at 18:04
AnswerID: 621217

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Saturday, Sep 15, 2018 at 05:12

Saturday, Sep 15, 2018 at 05:12
Is it Groundhog Day?
Most of the preceding Funnies were in last week....
bill
AnswerID: 621225

Reply By: Member - torro - Saturday, Sep 15, 2018 at 07:34

Saturday, Sep 15, 2018 at 07:34
Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.


Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick LAWRENCE, a 22 year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), LAWRENCE was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.


LAWRENCE explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop.

"You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there was no one around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around..." he stated.

LAWRENCE went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.

"I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, LAWRENCE failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda TAYLOR approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Senior Constable TAYLOR,

'I walked up to LAWRENCE - and he's just banging away at this pumpkin...'

Senior Constable TAYLOR went on to describe what happened when she approached LAWRENCE...

"I said; 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?"

"LAWRENCE froze.

He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me straight in the eye and said,

'A pumpkin? **** - is it midnight already?"

The court (and the magistrate) could not contain their mirth.

The Geelong Post wrote an article describing this as 'The best come-back line ever.'

AnswerID: 621227

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