Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Jan 04, 2019 at 06:20
ThreadID: 137643 Views:1917 Replies:9 FollowUps:0
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'

The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'

One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jan 04, 2019 at 06:21

Friday, Jan 04, 2019 at 06:21
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
AnswerID: 622999

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jan 04, 2019 at 06:25

Friday, Jan 04, 2019 at 06:25
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son!

'Ain't dat grand!!'

Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said,

'Hold on, we aint got done just yet!'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy!'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

LATER ON

When Murph and his wife got home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I DOOOO remember dat night...'

Pause




Murph said, 'Geeeeee I'll tell you, .....when I dooked down t shed um,,,er'

Longer, thinking pause






'EEEE it's a fecking good ting I put dat WD-40 back'
AnswerID: 623000

Reply By: Glenn C5 - Friday, Jan 04, 2019 at 08:33

Friday, Jan 04, 2019 at 08:33
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in
Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class. One day her
teacher, a Nun,
Called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who
was her friend
Sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her
in the rear. "God
Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her
class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is
our Lord and
Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary
Margaret in the
Butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and
the Nun once
Again said," Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back
asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve
say to Adam
After she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary
Margaret jumped up
And shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one
more time, I'll
Break it in half!"

The Nun fainted!
AnswerID: 623004

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jan 04, 2019 at 08:38

Friday, Jan 04, 2019 at 08:38
Famous Last Words:

Unfortunately, I cannot totally agree with comrade Stalin.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A parking meter is a device that enables you to do two hours shopping in one.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Sign seen in our veterinarian's office: "All children left unattended will be given a free kitten."

A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14-letter word for someone in charge of a plant."

"How did you answer that last one?" asked Robert. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of Superintendent."

"I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."

Some one-liners…

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 623005

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jan 04, 2019 at 08:51

Friday, Jan 04, 2019 at 08:51












Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 623006

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jan 04, 2019 at 09:30

Friday, Jan 04, 2019 at 09:30
ScoMo goes on a State visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem,he has a fatal heart attack.

The undertakers tells the OZ diplomats: "You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $1000."

The OZ diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want ScoMo flown home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious
country and you would only spend $1000?"

One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. We simply can't take
that risk".

bill
AnswerID: 623008

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jan 04, 2019 at 09:42

Friday, Jan 04, 2019 at 09:42
Sorry about the large pics. Couldn't make them smaller.



They were funny looking buildings, that were
once a way of life,
If you couldn't sprint the distance, then you
really were in strife.
They were nailed, they were wired, but were
mostly falling down,
There was one in every yard, in every house, in
every town.

They were given many names, some were even
funny,
But to most of us, we knew them as the outhouse
or the dunny.
I've seen some of them all gussied up, with
painted doors and all,
But it really made no difference, they were
just a port of call.

Now my old man would take a bet, he'd lay an
even pound,
That you wouldn't make the dunny with them
turkeys hangin' round.
They had so many uses, these buildings out the
back,"
You could even hide from mother, so you
wouldn't get the strap.

That's why we had good cricketers, never mind
the bumps,
We used the pathway for the wicket and the
dunny door for stumps.
Now my old man would sit for hours, the smell
would rot your socks,
He read the daily back to front in that good
old thunderbox.

And if by chance that nature called sometime
through the night,
You always sent the dog in first, for there was
no flamin' light.
And the dunny seemed to be the place where
crawlies liked to hide,
But never ever showed themselves until you sat
inside.

There was no such thing as Sorbent, no tissues
there at all,
Just squares of well read newspaper, a hangin'
on the wall.
If you had some friendly neighbours, as
neighbours sometimes are,
You could sit and chat to them, if you left the
door ajar..



When suddenly you got the urge, and down the
track you fled,
Then of course the magpies were there to peck
you on your head.
Then the time there was a wet, the rain it
never stopped,
If you had an urgent call, you ran between the
drops.



The dunny man came once a week, to these
buildings out the back,
And he would leave an extra can, if you left
for him a zac.
For those of you who've no idea what I mean by
a zac,
Then you're too young to have ever had, a dunny
out the back.

bill
AnswerID: 623009

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jan 04, 2019 at 09:52

Friday, Jan 04, 2019 at 09:52


bill
AnswerID: 623011

Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, Jan 04, 2019 at 18:03

Friday, Jan 04, 2019 at 18:03
Oops, it’s Friday already.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again,

“with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .......
"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer??!"
Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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AnswerID: 623025

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