Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 07:15
ThreadID: 137779 Views:3408 Replies:14 FollowUps:18
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The Business Deal

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38.

The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25.
He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each."

...and this is why the Chinese own us!

Business is Business!
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 07:16

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 07:16
I Feel Safe At Home At Last!

I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.

The local police, ASIO and other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer.
AnswerID: 623698

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 07:19

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 07:19
The Kidnapping Of Yoda
True story.

Drunk with the alcohol, he was.

A north Queensland man caught kidnapping a 20kg statue of Yoda has been charged with theft.

Police said the Ayr man was under the influence of alcohol - and possibly the Dark Side of the Force - when he stole a pushbike and rode to the police barracks in Young Street where he spotted the diminutive Jedi master under the house.

The man allegedly slung the life-size likeness of the Dagobah resident across the handlebars and rode off doing what police described as an uncanny impression of Elliott and ET from the film, ET The Extra-Terrestrial.

The offender was quickly arrested and charged with theft of both the bicycle and Luke Skywalker's mentor.

Police said Yoda was also taken into custody, despite his advanced age of 900.

"Yoda was later released from the Ayr watchhouse without any charges being laid but [a] caution for not wearing a helmet when riding a bike," read the statement.

Sith Lord Vader denied any involvement in the kidnap attempt.

The Jedi Council could not be reached for comment.

http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/queensland/do-or-do-not-kidnap-yoda-there-is-no-try-20141010-1145vu.html#ixzz3Fi7CeIua
AnswerID: 623699

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 07:42

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 07:42
GREAT DANCERS.


Whoever put this together has editing skill.

It'll put a smile on your face!

Dancing up a storm

bill
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Follow Up By: Member - PhilD_NT - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 10:00

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 10:00
I can't dance, not interested, never will be but did enjoy this. Thanks.
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Follow Up By: Ron N - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 17:57

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 17:57
I kind of like this one - it's supposed to be an artistic representation, of how history repeats itself ...

The French title reads, "The Mechanics of History" ...


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Reply By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 07:47

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 07:47
I met a magic fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

"I wish to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "That is the only wish that I'm not allowed to grant."

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die the day after Parliament is filled
with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in
the people's best interests!"

"You crafty little bastard," replied the fairy.
AnswerID: 623702

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 07:48

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 07:48






bill
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Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 08:59

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 08:59
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius..
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky,basketball for ward .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"I love Californiapractically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
AnswerID: 623704

Reply By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 09:37

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 09:37
Maybe not a real funny but might bring on a smile.
Dave.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/Hzgzim5m7oU
AnswerID: 623705

Follow Up By: MUZBRY- Life member(Vic) - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 10:51

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 10:51
A postal workeris is accused of stealing from the post office.
He denied the allegations and the lawyer worked hard and got him aquitted of all charges.
The postal worker was grateful , " Thanks you for fighting my case but i havent any money left to pay, will you accept payment in stamps ?"
Muzbry
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Follow Up By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 16:33

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 16:33
David I've watched that video many times over a number of years and it still resonates with me. A very powerful message.

Dunc
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Follow Up By: Les - PK Ranger - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 16:46

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 16:46
David, that video should be in a 'Friday Feel Good' thread mate.
Orchestrated, but with a strong message.
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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 10:56

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 10:56
Another great dance.

Rita Hayworth Is Stayin' Alive

https://youtu.be/mz3CPzdCDws

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Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 11:08

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 11:08
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed..

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! ; There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
Dunc
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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 11:17

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 11:17
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"


An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"


Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!


A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.
The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?"
The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."

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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 11:30

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 11:30
South African handshake

https://youtu.be/vgUdsMhDem4

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Follow Up By: Les - PK Ranger - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 13:42

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 13:42
.
Can anyone else see it ?

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Follow Up By: Glenn C5 - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 14:25

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 14:25
Nothing here
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Follow Up By: Glenn C5 - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 14:27

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 14:27
If you go into youtube and search South African handshake you will find it.
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Follow Up By: Les - PK Ranger - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 15:46

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 15:46
Heaps there, interesting.
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Follow Up By: Ron N - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 18:11

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 18:11
Would this be it?? [;-)



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Follow Up By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 18:48

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 18:48
yes thats it don't know why some see it others don't

I can see the original post ??
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Follow Up By: Ron N - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 18:56

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 18:56
Bill, you've submitted the incorrect YouTube code to allow everyone to watch it.

You copy the last 11 letters in the YouTube address when you're watching the video, and then click on "Video" below the message box when replying or posting, and then paste the 11 letters into the YouTube section.

Submit the reply and the video appears, embedded in the post.

Cheers, Ron.
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Follow Up By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 19:06

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 19:06
Thanks Ron

will do that next time
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Follow Up By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 20:18

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 20:18
Hi Ron
Just tried the 11 letters as you said must be doing it wrong the numbers below are from the vidio just posted does not work.


5y2WIOa7CEI
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Follow Up By: Ron N - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 22:58

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 22:58
Bill, the 11 letters you posted above, provide the link to the "It Ain't Half Hot, Mum" video - as I've shown below.

You don't insert the letters into the reply message box, you click on the "Video" button, that's below the reply message box.

This creates a pop-up new box, on top of your reply message box, and you get two choices - Vimeo or YouTube.

Paste the 11 letters into the "YouTube" section, click "Insert" at the bottom, and the link appears in your reply message box.

You can then Preview your reply, to see if it's all working O.K. If it is, you click Submit. If not, click "Return to Edit", and correct any error.

Incidentally - I didn't realise that Windsor Davies (Sgt Major Williams) only just passed away last month, at age 88.
I don't recall seeing any news articles about his death, but maybe it was because I was busy.

Cheers, Ron.


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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 20:11

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 20:11
Anyone ever watch this show

It Aint Half Hot Mum

https://youtu.be/5y2WIOa7CEI

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Follow Up By: Les - PK Ranger - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 20:23

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 20:23
Yeah, amazing all those other actors didn't suffer from NIHL (noise induced hearing loss) from all that shouting right near their ears !!

Other great shows of the era, Dad's Army (a favourite), Steptoe and Son, others I've forgotten.
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Follow Up By: Ron N - Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 20:46

Friday, Feb 08, 2019 at 20:46
I don't know if it's nostalgia or not, but the old Pommy comedians really were the funniest.

Dave Allen tops them all for me - if you don't start cracking up within 2 minutes of starting to watch Dave Allen, you haven't got a funny bone in your body.

The Ten Pound note caught under the car tyre, is a classic that can't be beaten.

Cheers, Ron.


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Reply By: Member - John and Val - Saturday, Feb 09, 2019 at 10:17

Saturday, Feb 09, 2019 at 10:17
J and V
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Follow Up By: Kazza055 - Saturday, Feb 09, 2019 at 12:20

Saturday, Feb 09, 2019 at 12:20
Took a while for the penny to drop :=))
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Reply By: Ron N - Saturday, Feb 09, 2019 at 12:47

Saturday, Feb 09, 2019 at 12:47
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