FRIDAY FUNNIES

Submitted: Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 08:18
ThreadID: 137963 Views:3432 Replies:8 FollowUps:16
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Setting the Example.

The start of school is heralded by the principal hitting a large triangle with a steel bar, no PA.
Isn't it great that today, school students Australia wide have pledged not to go to attend school unless the heating and airconditioned cooling is permanently turned OFF. Fantastic!
Lunches will be prepared at home and taken by students to school in a paper bag.
Only water will be consumed, no lolly waters or power drinks which use natural resources to produce. “No polluting trucks to deliver our tucker, no sir”.
In class, when they actually get there, no ipads or tablets will be tolerated because they use natural resources to produce and scarce electricity to run them. Social media will be a hand written note, that is if they can spell or write. Yes, pencils and recycled paper it is. Classes will only be taught in strong daylight hours, no energy greedy lights will be used or tolerated.
Encyclopaedias will be well used because use of the energy sucking internet will also not be tolerated.
All students will either walk to school or cycle, on their new bike, this will create lower emission levels and save parents fossil fuel, and accelerated depreciation of the family vehicle which is currently used as a taxi morning and night.
All this was started by students alone and not by some external controlling media or one sided mind controlling political push.
These kids know this will set the example and make a difference.
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Reply By: ExplorOz Team - Michelle - Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 12:05

Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 12:05
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language
became boiled down to 4-letter words:


· A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
· "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."


· "He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr



· "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill


· "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow


· "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).



· "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas


· "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain


· "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."
- Oscar Wilde


· "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill


· "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.


· "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop



· "He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright


· "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb


· "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson


· "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating



· "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand


· "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-Forrest Tucker


· "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

· "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West


· "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde


· "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)


· "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder


· "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx
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Follow Up By: Genny - Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 12:52

Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 12:52
Lucky those comments weren't made on the forum,eh? :)
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Follow Up By: Nomadic Navara - Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 16:01

Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 16:01
Being clever, they probably would have been allowed.
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Reply By: ExplorOz Team - Michelle - Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 13:12

Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 13:12
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Follow Up By: tim_c - Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 16:43

Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 16:43
There is a road just like that in Canberra, except they went one better by installing a set of traffic lights just to hold people up even longer... (it was done because a bunch of NIMBYs didn't want other people driving through "their" suburb - Caswell Dr northbound exit onto Bandjalong Cr).

And that shot with the fish is a cracker!
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Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 17:15

Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 17:15
tim_c
Tim, don't you mean Can'tborough, where the roads go around and around like a rubber band in lamb marking season?
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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 14:41

Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 14:41
The Butcher Dance

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.

The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.

You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.

Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.

True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.

Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.

Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not 'til next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."

The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.

Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.

They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.

Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.

Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"

"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,

He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about..."
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Follow Up By: Glenn C5 - Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 15:03

Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 15:03
I hope that was a cut and paste otherwise you must have bloody sore fingers. I was going to come back tomorrow and finish reading it..HA HA
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Follow Up By: ExplorOz Team - Michelle - Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 16:49

Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 16:49
Oh dear, that is groan worthy sorry!!!!
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Follow Up By: qldcamper - Saturday, Mar 16, 2019 at 11:58

Saturday, Mar 16, 2019 at 11:58
Quicker to watch Last cab to Darwin where the original was played out, luckily i seen it and didnt have to suffer through that.
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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 14:51

Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 14:51
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.


Hunting

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. Hespotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned
around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices... Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but, then, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said,

"Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

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Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 15:22

Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 15:22
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
* You make the bed ....................+1

* You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0

* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1

* You leave the toilet seat up.............-5

* You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0

* When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1

* When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2

* You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5

* in the snow...............+8

* but return with beer..........-5

* and no liners....................-25

* You check out a suspicious noise at night....... 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5

* You pummel it with a six iron...........+10

* It's her cat.........................-40

AT A PARTY
* You stay by her side the entire party...... 0

* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy...-2

* Named Tiffany.............-4

* Tiffany is a dancer...........-6

* With breast implants..............-18

HER BIRTHDAY
* You take her out to dinner................ 0

* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1

* Okay, it is a sports bar..........-2

* And it's all-you-can-eat night....-3

* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team......-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
* Go with a pal.........................+5

* The pal is happily married............+4

* Or frighteningly single...............-7

* And he drives a Ferrari...............-10

* With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
* You take her to a movie...............+2

* You take her to a movie she likes.....+4

* You take her to a movie you hate......+6

* You take her to a movie you like......-2

* It's called Death Cop 3...............-3

* Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9

* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
* You develop a noticeable pot belly.............-15

* You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...............................+10

* You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30

* You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."......-800

THE BIG QUESTION (a no win question)
* She asks, "Do I look fat?"

* You hesitate in responding.....-10

* You reply, "Where?"............-35

* Any other response.............-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:

* You listen, displaying a concerned expression...... 0

* You listen, for over 30 minutes....................+5

* You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..................................+100

* She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep....-200
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Follow Up By: ExplorOz Team - Michelle - Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 16:53

Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 16:53
Absolutely!
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Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 17:31

Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 17:31
Brownie points awarded are radio active like nuclear particles. They have a half life, even with a jar full it is only half full tomorrow, 1/4 the next day until depleted, like uranium can be. Very soon there isn't even a residue in the jar, so complete is the erasure of points.


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Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 15:24

Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 15:24
Scientific proof. What a relief to learn this!



Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?
Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.
Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an Event Boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next.
Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.

Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that damn door!

Did I send this to you already from the other room?
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Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 15:25

Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 15:25
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow

‘Ooh’ said the presenter. ‘This is a very rare pair produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?

‘Sticks’ said Paddy
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Reply By: Outback Epicurean - Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 20:58

Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 20:58
I thought that this thread was called "Friday Funnies", not Right Wing Diatribes as espoused in the initial post today. Either that or Barnaby is a member of EO and going undercover. Interesting that there is no name for the poster of the "funny"?
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Follow Up By: Genny - Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 21:47

Friday, Mar 15, 2019 at 21:47
If YOU posted it, it would say "Outback Epicurean" on the post.
It DOES say "RMD". I wonder if that is a clue?
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Follow Up By: Member - shane r1 - Saturday, Mar 16, 2019 at 10:05

Saturday, Mar 16, 2019 at 10:05
I thought about commenting when I first saw the post, that I didn’t think RMD’s post was funny. But left it.
I thought Friday funnies are supposed to be funny!
Maybe RMD’s Sense of humour is quite different than most.

I do look forward to a laugh on friday’s. And mostly get one here.
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Follow Up By: Kenell - Saturday, Mar 16, 2019 at 11:56

Saturday, Mar 16, 2019 at 11:56
My take on RMD's post is that it is a lighthearted, perhaps tongue in cheek, approach to the school children taking the day off school to voice their concerns about global warming et al. Whilst I agree that the view the kids are taking may be a little lop sided I think it is great that they are taking an interest and telling us (the older gen) that WE aren't doing enough. The pollies who aren't listening or worse are criticising them do so at their own peril. These are the next generation of voters. I think RMD's approach is along the lines - before you accuse me take a look at yourself. Personally I am all for lower emissions and cutting greenhouse gasses as well as warm homes, 4wds, and the other creature comforts I have. Unfortunately it seems these are mutually exclusive at present.
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Follow Up By: Shaker - Saturday, Mar 16, 2019 at 21:03

Saturday, Mar 16, 2019 at 21:03
Are they’d taking an interest, or just pushing their parents agenda?

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Follow Up By: Baz - The Landy - Saturday, Mar 16, 2019 at 22:44

Saturday, Mar 16, 2019 at 22:44
Shaker

I’m glad you put this back on track.

I mean, show me a teenager that agrees with their parents...

Now that is funny!

Cheers, Baz - The Landy
“Those who don’t think
it can be done shouldn’t
bother the person doing it…”

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Follow Up By: Member - johnat - Sunday, Mar 17, 2019 at 19:56

Sunday, Mar 17, 2019 at 19:56
And further to Baz's comment, and the claim that these kids are simply doing what their teachers tell them - I'd like to hear from anyone who has evidence that kids will do what their teachers tell them to! (Comment based on parenting 3 kids and 30+ years as a teacher!)
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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Follow Up By: Alloy c/t - Tuesday, Mar 19, 2019 at 09:09

Tuesday, Mar 19, 2019 at 09:09
Come on johnat , every kid from kindy through to 1st year Uni will do what their 'teacher' tells them to do IF it gets them out of the classroom and proper lessons !!
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