friday funnies

Submitted: Friday, May 24, 2019 at 09:30
ThreadID: 138377 Views:2460 Replies:10 FollowUps:3
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Manure... An interesting fact

Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course.. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOM
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------

One Sunday morning, a priest decided to
do something a little different.
He said
'Today, in church, I am going
to say a single word
and you are going to
help me preach.
Whatever single word I say,
I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind --
the pastor shouted out
'CROSS.'
Immediately
the congregation started singing in unison,
'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS..'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began
to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.'
The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX'
The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other
afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden,
way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother
stood up and began to sing
'MEMORIES.'

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend
"That's us in 10 years".
He said "That's a mirror, you idiot!


Have a great day Bushy.
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Reply By: Glenn C5 - Friday, May 24, 2019 at 09:35

Friday, May 24, 2019 at 09:35
A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that?
I just ordered champagne, too!’
‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said.
‘This is a special day for me.
I am celebrating.’
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the man.
‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’
‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’
‘I used a different c.o.c.k,’ he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence’!
AnswerID: 625714

Reply By: aussiedingo (River Rina) - Friday, May 24, 2019 at 10:31

Friday, May 24, 2019 at 10:31
hmmmmmm....


AnswerID: 625715

Reply By: The Explorer - Friday, May 24, 2019 at 10:33

Friday, May 24, 2019 at 10:33


Cheers
Greg
To penetrate this great unknown it would be necessary to first pass over the inhospitable regions described by Wells, Forrest & Giles - Carnegie 1896

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AnswerID: 625716

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, May 24, 2019 at 10:44

Friday, May 24, 2019 at 10:44












Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 625717

Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, May 24, 2019 at 11:28

Friday, May 24, 2019 at 11:28
Marital Thrombosis, having a Clot for a husband.
3
FollowupID: 899360

Reply By: Ron N - Friday, May 24, 2019 at 10:53

Friday, May 24, 2019 at 10:53
AnswerID: 625718

Reply By: Ron N - Friday, May 24, 2019 at 11:11

Friday, May 24, 2019 at 11:11
AnswerID: 625720

Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, May 24, 2019 at 12:18

Friday, May 24, 2019 at 12:18
PETROL.

You will notice that beer is not on the list – that is because it is a necessary commodity.

These examples do NOT imply that petrol is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are.

The last one might shock the socks off you.

So, you think a litre of petrol is expensive?

This makes you think, and also puts things into perspective.

Can of Red Bull, 250ml, $2.95 ... $11.80 per litre!

Robitussin Cough Mixture, 200ml, $9.95 ..... $ 49.75 per litre!

L'Oreal Revitalift Day Cream, 50ml, $29.95 ............. $599.00 per litre!

Bundy Rum, 1250ml, $51.00 .... $40.80 per litre!

Visene Eye Drops, 15ml, $5.69 ... $379.00 per litre!

Britney Spears Fantasy Perfume,50ml, $29 ...... $580.00 per litre!

And this is the REAL KICKER.

Evian water, 375 ml, $2.95 ...$7.86 per litre!
$7.86 for a litre of WATER!!
And the buyers don't even know the source???

(Evian spelled backwards is NAIVE!!)

Ever wonder why computer printers are so cheap?

So they can hook you for the ink!!

Someone calculated the cost of the ink at, you won't believe it but it's true; $1,040 a litre.

$1040.00 A LITRE!!!

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Red Bull, Robitussin, L'Oreal or, printer ink!!!!!

And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person, your muffler will fall off!!

.......,,,,,,,,,..........

An oldie.......

A wealthy benefactor to a Testicle Disorder Hospital was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, private health cover."

.........,,,,,,,,,,,,,,.............

Paddy asks, “Mick, how did you get on at the faith healer meeting last night?



Mick replies, “He was absolute shite. Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out!”














Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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AnswerID: 625721

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, May 24, 2019 at 13:35

Friday, May 24, 2019 at 13:35
Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don't really give a rat's butt anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the mailman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.

7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.

16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..

17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.

20. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you!?
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 625722

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, May 24, 2019 at 18:36

Friday, May 24, 2019 at 18:36
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
----------------------- ------------ --------------
An answer I can understand.
An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"They have to go backwards.
If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And saving the best 'til last ...
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers,
and drags him in. She lies back on the couch,
pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the
flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy,
'You must have a vase somewhere!'

bill
AnswerID: 625727

Reply By: Zippo - Friday, May 24, 2019 at 20:25

Friday, May 24, 2019 at 20:25
"You probably did not know the true history of this word."

I didn't, but the reality is somewhat different.

Like journalism, where they never let the facts get in the way of a story.
AnswerID: 625729

Follow Up By: Member - johnat - Friday, May 24, 2019 at 20:49

Friday, May 24, 2019 at 20:49
May not be true, accurate, real ... whatever.
It's a "funnies" thread ... laugh!
Any resemblance to reality in this thread is purely coincidental.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

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FollowupID: 899370

Follow Up By: Shaker - Saturday, May 25, 2019 at 13:39

Saturday, May 25, 2019 at 13:39
It is probably similar to the popular idea that the female brassiere manufacturers name HESTIA really was derived from, Holds Every Size T-t In Australia. Amusing, but untrue.
3
FollowupID: 899375

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