FRIDAY FUNNIES

Submitted: Friday, Jul 26, 2019 at 06:50
ThreadID: 138802 Views:2802 Replies:8 FollowUps:7
This Thread has been Archived
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.

On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian

Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous!

Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in

the middle of the road, an Aborigine.. He had one ear pressed to the white line

whilst his left leg was held high in the air! The tour stopped and the guide and

the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide,"what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"

The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Baliant Ute.

It's a red one… the left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack, and him got

bloody dents in ebery panel. There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.

There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

"God man, that is amazing. How do you know all that?," asked one.

The Aborigine replied......... "I fell out off the thing about half an hour ago!"
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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jul 26, 2019 at 10:39

Friday, Jul 26, 2019 at 10:39












bill
AnswerID: 626870

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jul 26, 2019 at 10:45

Friday, Jul 26, 2019 at 10:45
HOMEMADE MOSQUITO TRAP.
Items needed: 200 ml water 50 grams of brown sugar 1 gram of yeast 2-liter
plastic bottle Or US conversion: 1 cup of water 1/4 cup of brown sugar
HOW:
1. Cut the plastic bottle in half.
2. Mix brown sugar with hot water. Let cool. When cold, pour in the bottom
half of the bottle.
3. Add the yeast. No need to mix. It creates carbon dioxide, which attracts
mosquitoes.
4. Place the funnel part, upside down, into the other half of the bottle,
taping them together if desired.
5. Wrap the bottle with something black, leaving the top uncovered, and
place it outside in an area away from your normal gathering area.
(Mosquitoes are also drawn to the colour black.)
Change the solution every 2 weeks for continuous control.




bill
AnswerID: 626871

Reply By: MUZBRY- Life member(Vic) - Friday, Jul 26, 2019 at 10:49

Friday, Jul 26, 2019 at 10:49
Gday
Paddy sat at the bar drinking heavier than normal , pondering , why did his sister have four brothers and he only had three.
Muzbry
Great place to be Mt Blue Rag 27/12/2012

Lifetime Member
My Profile  Send Message

AnswerID: 626872

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jul 26, 2019 at 12:44

Friday, Jul 26, 2019 at 12:44
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ...

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Queensland, New Zealand and Tasmania & with Collingwood Supporters....
AnswerID: 626873

Follow Up By: Chris B26 - Monday, Jul 29, 2019 at 14:01

Monday, Jul 29, 2019 at 14:01
Also works for COALition supporters.
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FollowupID: 900868

Follow Up By: Member - PhilD_NT - Monday, Jul 29, 2019 at 23:33

Monday, Jul 29, 2019 at 23:33
Also works for COALition supporters".

So I guess none of your electricity comes from coal.
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FollowupID: 900873

Follow Up By: Chris B26 - Tuesday, Jul 30, 2019 at 21:59

Tuesday, Jul 30, 2019 at 21:59
Correct.
All my electricity comes from either solar panels or gas.
(The NT electricity is generated by gas.)
Sorry if my comment upset you, but I couldn’t resist.
Was it the COAL part of the COALition, or was it the fact that COALition supporters aren’t too bright?

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FollowupID: 900884

Follow Up By: Ron N - Wednesday, Jul 31, 2019 at 00:13

Wednesday, Jul 31, 2019 at 00:13
And here's me thinking, this thread was supposed to be FRIDAY FUNNIES???

The unfunny part, is how some people can't contribute to a joke thread, without some form of politicised denigration.
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FollowupID: 900888

Follow Up By: Member - PhilD_NT - Wednesday, Jul 31, 2019 at 00:28

Wednesday, Jul 31, 2019 at 00:28
You may well live in an NT area that has normal electricity produced from gas but you are incorrect to infer that ALL our NT power comes from gas. It's certainly better that what it used to be. When I came up here in the mid 70's it was just about all diesel and here in Darwin it was very unreliable as well. Between break downs and Union strikes the Stokes Hill Power Station was a very bad joke. It's a shame that our current leadership is so determined to give us a power system, that's more expensive, and that is already proven to be unreliable elsewhere. They don't even like gas power.

I have no problem with coal or the Coalition and happily vote for both, and that goes for nuclear as well. As to your attempt at a political joke, are you saying that the majority of Australians aren't too bright? I would say that we were bright enough to see the better choice.
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FollowupID: 900890

Follow Up By: Frank P (NSW) - Wednesday, Jul 31, 2019 at 17:32

Wednesday, Jul 31, 2019 at 17:32
It's ironic that when a denigrating comment or "joke" is made about green or left oriented policies or politics it rarely draws comment. But heaven help the author of a similar post that takes a swipe at the right. Talk about thin-skinned.

The fact that Chris B26's post drew the response it did is quite a joke so I reckon that makes it fit for Friday Funnies. :-)
2
FollowupID: 900896

Follow Up By: Chris B26 - Wednesday, Jul 31, 2019 at 19:22

Wednesday, Jul 31, 2019 at 19:22
Exactly what I have witnessed in the past, hence my addition.
1
FollowupID: 900899

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jul 26, 2019 at 12:45

Friday, Jul 26, 2019 at 12:45
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my GREAT WEEKEND!'
AnswerID: 626874

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jul 26, 2019 at 12:47

Friday, Jul 26, 2019 at 12:47
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

*********************************************************

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
AnswerID: 626875

Reply By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Jul 26, 2019 at 13:40

Friday, Jul 26, 2019 at 13:40
A middle aged man with an extremely small penis goes to see a doctor about an issue he has with it. The only doctor available is female and calls him into the consulting room.

"what can I help you with today" she asks

He says "I have a problem with my penis"

"well best we have a look" the doc says

Man says "you promise not to laugh when you see it ? "

Doc says "why would I laugh ?"

Man says "everyone laughs when they see it coz it's so small"

Doc says "I've seen everything before and I won't laugh"

Man says "you will laugh, I'm telling you"

Doc says " I'm a professional and I won't laugh so drop your strides and let's have a look"

The man drops his strides to reveal his very small penis and the Doctor bursts out laughing quite loudly.

Man " see, I told you you would laugh "

The Doctor then composes herself, has a bit of a cough in the hand and says
" I apologize about that, it was very unprofessional of me "

Doc then asks in a very serious manner " what is the problem with it ?"



Man says " it's swollen "

AnswerID: 626877

Reply By: Member - Lyncol - Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 11:18

Friday, Aug 02, 2019 at 11:18
Two nuns riding their push bikes through old London Town when one nun says to the other I’ve never come this way before the other one says it must be the cobblestones
AnswerID: 626959

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