Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 08:09
ThreadID: 139083 Views:2567 Replies:11 FollowUps:5
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bill
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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 08:19

Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 08:19
Yes I know it looks funny, me replying to myself but the first one should be short so that anyone else who replies can get to the box quickly.











bill
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Follow Up By: Member - ACD 1 - Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 09:40

Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 09:40
Love the guy with the lit cigarette in number three!

Cheers

Anthony
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Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 09:31

Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 09:31
Where does the rank Lance Jack and Full Screw come from?

It goes back to Roman times when a group of farmers, tired of being pillaged and slaughtered by the Roman troops in Britain decided to fight back.

They made a plan to form a rebellion and someone noticed the lack of leadership. Asking for volunteers to be leaders, Lancius Jakus and his older brother Fuullus Screwus put their hands up.

As the force grew in size, a natural leader emerged called Tharge who later went on to kill the marauding Roman leader with his own big stick, called a staaf. He adopted the name Staaf Tharge in recognition of his win.

As tactics evolved over time, Staaf Tharge noticed the Romans adopted a 'swarming technique' used by ants. He studied them closely and he made him self the War Ant Officer.

For every battle that he won, he added a number. Unfortunately by the time he got to War Ant Officer Two he had to retire because of the then undiagnosed 'Irritable bowel syndrome' and he spent a lot of his time as a Loo Tennant.
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Reply By: OutBack Wanderer - Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 09:49

Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 09:49
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"

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Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 09:57

Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 09:57
How to correctly hold on in a moving train



No, No, the older guy by the door!!!!
I worry about you sometimes
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Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 09:58

Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 09:58


I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was:

"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"F******* big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
AnswerID: 627764

Follow Up By: tim_c - Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 13:19

Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 13:19
I just finished reading "101 things to do before you die"

I was surprised that "Call for HELP!" wasn't one of them.
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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 10:16

Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 10:16











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Follow Up By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 10:20

Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 10:20
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex.

When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice."

"The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off!"
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Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 10:24

Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 10:24
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.' 'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth.'
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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 10:31

Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 10:31
Traffic ticket

https://youtu.be/mn3Pr_ax_Ik

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Reply By: Member - MIKE.G - Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 13:07

Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 13:07
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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 18:47

Friday, Sep 20, 2019 at 18:47
Water bed

https://youtu.be/9wm-Ge8LL7o

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Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderer - Saturday, Sep 21, 2019 at 00:24

Saturday, Sep 21, 2019 at 00:24
Never laughed so hard & loud, especially the two fat momma's, lol

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Follow Up By: RobynR4 - Friday, Sep 27, 2019 at 20:12

Friday, Sep 27, 2019 at 20:12
Oh heavens!
I just did one of those embarrassing snort laughs.
I'm supposedly doing my online grocery shopping and hubby's in another room, wondering what's so funny about toothpaste and cereal...

That was so funny!
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