friday funnies

Submitted: Friday, Nov 01, 2019 at 08:11
ThreadID: 139262 Views:1971 Replies:10 FollowUps:0
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ...

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line---and we think he'll win.


have a great day Bushy.
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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Nov 01, 2019 at 08:51

Friday, Nov 01, 2019 at 08:51
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down
Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels
in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say ..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for
you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when
he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

************************************************************************************************************************

Teenagers in the British Midlands are injecting the drug "Ecstasy" directly
into the mouth.

It is known as ...




Yes ...




... wait for it ...




E BY GUM

*************************************************************************************************************************

Gardeners pay attention.

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen.
There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting
tired of it.

So she goes to her neighbour and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green.
What can I do about it?"

Her neighbour replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do.
Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all
your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."

Well, what the heck? She does it.

Next day her neighbour asks how it worked.

"Oh, so-so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green, but the cucumbers are
all four inches longer."

bill
AnswerID: 628459

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Nov 01, 2019 at 09:01

Friday, Nov 01, 2019 at 09:01












bill
AnswerID: 628460

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Nov 01, 2019 at 09:37

Friday, Nov 01, 2019 at 09:37
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

“The curlers are on me.”

--------------------------------------------------------------

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 628462

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Nov 01, 2019 at 09:44

Friday, Nov 01, 2019 at 09:44





Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Nov 01, 2019 at 09:51

Friday, Nov 01, 2019 at 09:51
Rebel rocket attack
watch till the end

https://youtu.be/FsF3HspQY6A


Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 628465

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Nov 01, 2019 at 11:22

Friday, Nov 01, 2019 at 11:22
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Nov 01, 2019 at 12:29

Friday, Nov 01, 2019 at 12:29
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer
advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:

P...E...N...I...S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
AnswerID: 628473

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Nov 01, 2019 at 12:31

Friday, Nov 01, 2019 at 12:31
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Bunnings when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. 'What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'
AnswerID: 628474

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Nov 01, 2019 at 12:34

Friday, Nov 01, 2019 at 12:34
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive , press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent , please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities , press 3 , 4 , 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid , we know who you are and what you want , stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional , press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic , listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive , hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press , nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic , press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar , please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.. But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss press 9. If you have short-term memory loss , press 9. If you have short-term memory loss , press 9.

If you have low self-esteem , please hang up. Our operators are
Too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal , put the gun down , hang up , turn on the
Fan , lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde , don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.
AnswerID: 628475

Reply By: Karl S1 - Wednesday, Nov 06, 2019 at 01:01

Wednesday, Nov 06, 2019 at 01:01
seriously a joke for lawyers ahahaha
AnswerID: 628551

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