friday funnies

Submitted: Friday, Nov 22, 2019 at 08:12
ThreadID: 139347 Views:2835 Replies:11 FollowUps:9
In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy thinks about women over 50.

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)
As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night & ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She goes and does something, she wants to do, & it's usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?, Here's an update for you. Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!?


Have a great day Bushy.
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Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Nov 22, 2019 at 09:07

Friday, Nov 22, 2019 at 09:07
Little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of
my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother,
'cause I still have mine."

---------------------------------------------------------

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

---------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't
like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids".

-----------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you".

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."

----------------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

----------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute.."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

----------------------------------------------------------

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

----------------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is
feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used
in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS"
AnswerID: 628748

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Nov 22, 2019 at 09:09

Friday, Nov 22, 2019 at 09:09
My Forgetter's Getting Better

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say! "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who was that?"

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

(anonymous)
AnswerID: 628749

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Nov 22, 2019 at 09:36

Friday, Nov 22, 2019 at 09:36
Who said men don't think about others?



bill
AnswerID: 628750

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Nov 22, 2019 at 09:42

Friday, Nov 22, 2019 at 09:42
Another caring soul.

A man walking along the beach at Portsea was deep in prayer.
Suddenly the clouds opened above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "That's a good idea! Can you build me a bridge to Tasmania so that I can drive over and go trout fishing anytime I like?"
The Lord said, "Hang on a second - your request is very materialistic, and not
too easy either. Think of the logistics: the supports required to reach the bottom of Bass Strait; the concrete and steel it would take. I could do it,but it's pretty hard to justify on any sensible cost-benefit basis, and I'm not sure that it would really be a good idea to satisfy such a worldly request. Why don't you take a little more time, think about it a bit more, and maybe come up with a wish more worthy of both of us."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing'. I would really like to be able to make just one woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

bill
AnswerID: 628752

Reply By: Member - DickyBeach - Friday, Nov 22, 2019 at 11:40

Friday, Nov 22, 2019 at 11:40
Sad news about Prince Andrew's car crash next month.
AnswerID: 628754

Follow Up By: That Troopy Bloke - Friday, Nov 22, 2019 at 15:11

Friday, Nov 22, 2019 at 15:11
That is gold. You win the internet for today.
Well played Sir
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FollowupID: 903290

Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Nov 22, 2019 at 15:59

Friday, Nov 22, 2019 at 15:59
That is forward planning at the highest level. Harm minimization is often a good idea. Changing the media focus is a sound strategy.
1
FollowupID: 903292

Reply By: Colcam42 - Friday, Nov 22, 2019 at 12:00

Friday, Nov 22, 2019 at 12:00
Farmer Jack lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic
slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range
chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do
something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens,"
he said to the local police officer.


"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.


"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"


So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL
CROSSING


Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said,
"You've still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing'
sign seems to make them go even faster!"


So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW DOWN: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said,
"Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

In order to get Farmer Jack off his back, the policeman said, "Sure. Put up
your own sign."
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of
the Officer,
so he called Farmer John,

“How’s the problem with the speeding drivers,
did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed."

The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a
look at the sign.
He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to
slow drivers down..

So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house.
His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.


'NUDIST COLONY
Slow down and watch for chicks!'


AnswerID: 628755

Reply By: Ron N - Saturday, Nov 23, 2019 at 00:10

Saturday, Nov 23, 2019 at 00:10
Daughter jokes .....

She was only a photographer's daughter, but she was very well developed.

She was only an artist's daughter, but she knew where to draw the line.

She was only an optician's daughter, but she always made a spectacle of herself.

She was only a drover's daughter, but she was good at keeping her calves together.

She was only a programmer's daughter, but her software needed no support.

She was only the pig farmer's daughter, but she always went the whole hog.

She was only the telegraph operators daughter, but she didit and didit and didit.

She was only the pilots daughter, but she had a lovely fur-trimmed cockpit.

She was only Toscanini's daughter, but she knew how to conduct herself.


Cheers, Ron.
AnswerID: 628761

Follow Up By: Member - PhilD_NT - Saturday, Nov 23, 2019 at 01:11

Saturday, Nov 23, 2019 at 01:11
She was only a Fishmongers daughter', but she could lay it on a slab and say fillet.
3
FollowupID: 903300

Follow Up By: MUZBRY- Life member(Vic) - Saturday, Nov 23, 2019 at 06:15

Saturday, Nov 23, 2019 at 06:15
She was only the carpenters daughter and gave everyone circular saws
Muzbry
Great place to be Mt Blue Rag 27/12/2012

Lifetime Member
My Profile  Send Message

5
FollowupID: 903303

Follow Up By: RMD - Saturday, Nov 23, 2019 at 08:24

Saturday, Nov 23, 2019 at 08:24
She was only a wood cutters daughter, but you could hear her ringbark for miles.
5
FollowupID: 903304

Follow Up By: Member - William B (The Shire) - Saturday, Nov 23, 2019 at 15:48

Saturday, Nov 23, 2019 at 15:48
She was only the stablemans daughter but all the horse manure.
William
Always planning the next trip. VKS-737 mobile 1619

Member
My Profile  My Blog  My Position  Send Message

3
FollowupID: 903316

Reply By: Zippo - Saturday, Nov 23, 2019 at 11:29

Saturday, Nov 23, 2019 at 11:29
?IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT?

8:00 am: I made a snowman.
.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
.
8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
.
8:31 - The Muslim gent across the road demanded the snow woman wear a burqa.
.
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
.
8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a subservient domestic role.
.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
.
8:45 - TV news crew from A Current Affair showed up.

I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be beheaded.


Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become.

AnswerID: 628765

Follow Up By: ExplorOz Team - Michelle - Tuesday, Dec 03, 2019 at 13:12

Tuesday, Dec 03, 2019 at 13:12
To followup the Snowman post - with a true story that puts the icing on the cake of this whole thing --- we just got an alert form Google that this post contained "derogatory content" and was therefore a violation of the Google AdSense policy and as a result they have removed the advertising from this post (as a financial penalty to us as that's our only source of website income).

So sadly this post has been a self-fulfilling prophecy, as you state: "it is what we have become".
I won't bother deleting this post with the "derogatory content" as its now 2 weeks old. It can just sit here with no ads. Enjoy!!
Michelle Martin
Customer Support - ExplorOz & ExplorOz Traveller

Lifetime Member
My Profile  My Blog  My Position  Send Message
Classifieds: HF Radio System: Codan NGT AR Voice with 9350 Autotune & Garmin GPS
Moderator

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Reply By: Zippo - Saturday, Nov 23, 2019 at 11:49

Saturday, Nov 23, 2019 at 11:49




AnswerID: 628766

Follow Up By: Zippo - Saturday, Nov 23, 2019 at 13:27

Saturday, Nov 23, 2019 at 13:27
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FollowupID: 903313

Reply By: Michael H9 - Saturday, Nov 23, 2019 at 17:08

Saturday, Nov 23, 2019 at 17:08
AnswerID: 628769

Follow Up By: Member - Outback Gazz - Saturday, Nov 23, 2019 at 18:46

Saturday, Nov 23, 2019 at 18:46
Moses came forth in a Landcruiser
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ranger's came first, second & third !
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FollowupID: 903318

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