Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 09:37
ThreadID: 139648 Views:2673 Replies:13 FollowUps:7
This test is to ascertain your mental state now.



If you get one right you are doing ok, if you get none right you better go for counselling.



Giraffe Test

There are 4 questions. Don't miss one.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.






The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.






2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?









Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?



Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.










3. The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference. All the animals attend...
Except one. Which animal does not attend?








Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.







4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by
crocodiles,


and you do not have a boat.
How do you manage it?










Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.
Haven't you been lis-ten-ing?
All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.


According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide,
around 90% of the Retirees they tested got all questions wrong,
but many pre-schoolers got several correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory
that most Retirees do not have the brains of a four-year-old.



Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends...


PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.

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Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 10:07

Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 10:07
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ."
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
"This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......


"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
AnswerID: 629932

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 10:09

Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 10:09
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the
New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy,
are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom & has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others. [my favorite]

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
AnswerID: 629933

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 10:11

Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 10:11
These are actual comments made by 16 American Police Officers . The comments were
taken off actual police car videos around the country :

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.................. Sign here."
AnswerID: 629934

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 10:17

Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 10:17
One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop, W.A, a fire started inside the local sausage factory.
In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant.
They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby volunteer fire department composed mainly of firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.
Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly firefighters.


A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the old fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Well,' said the 70-year-old fire chief, 'the first thing we gonnna do is fix them brakes on that old truck.
AnswerID: 629935

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 10:56

Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 10:56
DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:


Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?


Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?


Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.


Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.


Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.


Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?


Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?


Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years He must be crazy.


Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.


Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.


Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 629936

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 10:56

Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 10:56
Grins and Snickers


I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
------------------------------ -------- ----------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
------------------------------ ---------
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have passed.
------------------------------ -----------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------ -----------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
------------------------------ -----------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
------------------------------ ------ ------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
------------------------------ -------------------

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
------------------------------ --------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. '
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 629937

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 12:22

Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 12:22
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. FAT CLOTHES

.6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:

1. OTHER WOMEN!

bill
Bill B

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AnswerID: 629940

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 12:32

Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 12:32
Find the peach -

[Image cannot be loaded]













bill
Bill B

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AnswerID: 629941

Follow Up By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 13:05

Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 13:05
Photo 6 looks to be one of their easier tasks.
Dave.
1
FollowupID: 905087

Follow Up By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 13:57

Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 13:57
No1 - peach bottom middle but I had to study all those bums and boobs real carefully and I'm still not sure
Dunc
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1
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Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 16:34

Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 16:34
Oh Bum, that first one is too confusing. Probably won't buy any more peaches.
0
FollowupID: 905092

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 12:52

Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 12:52
JOYCEAND FRANK
byRobert Dungey

Joyce and Frank had had enough, they were calling it a day.
The happy hour had been and gone, it was time to hit the hay.
Frank was in his undies as he curled up in the bed
Joyce said she would shower first, then find a magazine she hadn’t read

They loved this caravanning life, the great wide open spaces
They’d seen so much of this big land, they’d been so many places.
And now that it was evening and time to take a rest
Frank was smiling at the roof….they were so truly blessed.
Suddenly a gust of wind, in the middle of Frank’s yawning.
It was something like a whirly wind and it really shook the awning.

‘Joyce I’m popping just outside, to make sure the ropes are tight’
‘You get on with your shower love, I’m sure that I’ll be right.
’But the sight that greeted Frank outside was an awning at an angle
And the ropes that should secure it were just a messy tangle
‘Love I’m gonna need a hand, the awnings gonna tear
I need your help to hold it, hurry …bring a chair’‘

But Frank I’m in the shower!’…’well dear just grab a towel’
‘I can’t hold on here much longer, I need your help right now.’
So Joyce she wrapped a towel around, and stepped outside the van
Frank said ‘Grab that awning rail and hold it if you can.’
They wrestled with that awning …though there now was wind and rain
It took them fifteen minutes but they got it fixed again.

What a sight the two of them, half naked in the storm
They needed to secure one rope then get into the warm
Comfort was within their reach…the awning now secure
Then a gust of wind from nowhere, slammed the flamin ’door.

As much as Frank would wrench and pull
That door was stuck closed tight.
And he and Joyce both barely clothed
We’re stuck out in the night.
There’s only one thing for it love, there’s one window with a gap
I’m gonna have to bunk you up and push you in through that

Now Joyce she is a sturdy girl…it was gonna be a task
Cos Frank has nothing much for muscles and a boney little arse.
Joyce climbed into the window, Frank gave a mighty shove
‘Is everything alright my dear? Are you ok my love?’
‘I’m not ok, I’m stuck halfway. Frank get me out and soon!’

Her boobs were in the kitchen sink, her butt looked at the moon.
Their private little drama, was no longer so
Lights came on all round the park, and everyone would know
Someone called the fire brigade, the cops would not be long.
This had the look to everyone of a robbery gone wrong.

Frank, he was a desperate man, in his Y front glory
And poor old Joyce was window bound, it was an awful story.
It wasn’t meant to be this way, so much had gone awry
Frank looked towards the heavens…and sadly wondered why.
A lady from the van next door had soon produced a sheet
And placed it with dexterity, Joyce’s modesty to keep

The police and fire brigade arrived with floodlights, ropes and ladders
And the local news reporter came…complete with crew and cameras.
Then the fire chief decided that they couldn’t get her free
They’d have to take her downtown to a local factory
they’d have to cut the caravan, make the window large.
The firemen stepped aside and left the coppers there in charge.

They hooked the caravan up to a yellow four wheel drive
And made poor Joyce more comfortable, so she’d endure the ride.
Four police cars sirens blaring were the escorts on the way
While choppers overhead relayed newsbreaks play by play.
The convoy was impressive as it wheeled on through the town
Joyce’s feet were sticking out, wrapped in her dressing gown
They pulled into the factory and found the righ tmachine
And Joyce was free at last from this most horrific dream.

The reporter formed his headline for the paper the next day.
‘Naked woman trapped in window, butt it ended up ok‘
It was the leading story on breakfast-time TV,
It was about as famous as those two would ever be.
Joyce and Frank still caravan, they still go from park to park
But it’s very, very, seldom that they step out after dark.
They have some notoriety, 15 minutes of great fame
But both say they’d be happy to be anonymous again.


**************
Collapse the awning before you go to bed. Learn from your mistakes!!!!

bill
Bill B

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AnswerID: 629942

Reply By: Member - Joe T (NT) - Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 19:05

Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 19:05
Not Friday Funnie




3 out of 14 = will not see me again

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AnswerID: 629946

Follow Up By: Ron A - Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 19:29

Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 19:29
All the best Joe.

Stand up comedy is a tough gig.

Take care out there.
3
FollowupID: 905096

Follow Up By: nickb - Saturday, Feb 08, 2020 at 03:29

Saturday, Feb 08, 2020 at 03:29
I don’t understand?
1
FollowupID: 905097

Follow Up By: Member - Outback Gazz - Saturday, Feb 08, 2020 at 08:09

Saturday, Feb 08, 2020 at 08:09
If it makes you feel better Joe - I ticked the thanks button !
0
FollowupID: 905099

Follow Up By: RMD - Saturday, Feb 08, 2020 at 08:49

Saturday, Feb 08, 2020 at 08:49
Nickb
I don't understand what he is on about either, clear to him but hidden from everyone else. This is todays world where everyone gets a winning gold star and commendation even when they are on the losing team. Maybe it is just to do with the "mental state" which was what the funny was about!
1
FollowupID: 905100

Reply By: Member - 2208mate - Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 21:51

Friday, Feb 07, 2020 at 21:51
None out of 4 for me, as to why, I'm not going to say hehe
AnswerID: 629948

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Saturday, Feb 08, 2020 at 09:19

Saturday, Feb 08, 2020 at 09:19
Joe,
Valuable lesson here Joe.

If you post first, you get every post and reply sent to you.

Better to wait until some other mug starts the thread!!!!

bill
Bill B

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AnswerID: 629949

Reply By: Member - Joe T (NT) - Saturday, Feb 08, 2020 at 10:28

Saturday, Feb 08, 2020 at 10:28
Thanks Bill, for the heads-up:
We never too old to learn

And a big Thank-You to all you Guys for your support

Joe

Numbers about 40, LOL.

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AnswerID: 629950

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