Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 08:56
ThreadID: 139677 Views:2067 Replies:11 FollowUps:6
A husband wreaking of whiskey and cigarette smoke staggers in the front door of his house at 4.30 on a Sunday morning. He fumbles his way to the bedroom where he gently wakes his sleeping wife.

" What do you want ? " she says

He says " I'm terribly sorry but I've just lost you in a poker game ! "

Wife replies angrily " YOU WHAT ? "

" I'm sorry love - I've just lost you in a poker game " was his reply

She says " How could you possibly do such a thing ? "


He said " It wasn't easy love - I had to fold with four aces ! "
Back Reply Expand Un-Read 2 Moderator

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 08:59

Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 08:59
WHY

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store
to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Living like a millionaire on the pension

Member
My Profile  Send Message

AnswerID: 630040

Follow Up By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 09:04

Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 09:04
Why do cars have to be roadworthy but roads don't have to be car worthy ?
4
FollowupID: 905263

Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 11:09

Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 11:09
1. Why is it that Long Reg works at all the used car yards?

2. Why is it a state of America has had 1020 hurricanes since 1850 but this year the hurricane was caused by climate change?
4
FollowupID: 905265

Follow Up By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 15:46

Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 15:46
Why Australia has one of the worst performing power systems in the world (according to a recent report by AEMO) and yet the price of power is one of the most expensive in the world?
0
FollowupID: 905267

Follow Up By: Shaker - Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 16:01

Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 16:01
That last one was easy, it’s to keep it in line with the NBN!
1
FollowupID: 905269

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 09:04

Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 09:04








bill
Bill B

Member
My Profile  Send Message

AnswerID: 630041

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 09:08

Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 09:08










Living like a millionaire on the pension

Member
My Profile  Send Message

AnswerID: 630043

Reply By: Norm F - Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 09:50

Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 09:50
a really hard drive!

AnswerID: 630044

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 11:29

Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 11:29
BERETTA MAKES FINE GUNS. THEY HAVE BEEN IN THIS BUSINESS FOR ABOUT 500
YEARS.

Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit...

A Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small .22 cal Beretta
Pistol:

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed
woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What's the smallest calibre that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the
Villages with my soon-to-be ex-husband, discussing property settlement
and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator
which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with
its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because
she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta .22 calibre pistol with me, I would
not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The
gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a
brisk pace.

The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible.
His life insurance was also a big bonus!``
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

Lifetime Member
My Profile  My Blog  Send Message

AnswerID: 630045

Follow Up By: Member - MIKE.G - Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 11:41

Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 11:41
Mujiar.

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except
one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green.

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say,
yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call centre. No doubt you have spoken to him.

I know I have!
3
FollowupID: 905266

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 11:30

Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 11:30
My parents told me I could name my new pet dog anything I
wanted and since I was a mischievous little boy, I decided to name
the dog Sex. It seemed funny at first until you understand all the
confusion that this caused me in my later life.

Like the day that I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex.
He said, “I’d like to have one, too.”
Then, I said, “You don’t understand. She’s a dog.”
He replied, “Look man, I don’t care how she looks.”
“No no, I’ve had Sex since I was 5!”
He replied, “You must have been an early bloomer.”

When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I’d have to wait until after the wedding.
When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life.

After my wife and I got married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex.
She replied, “Sir, every room in the hotel can be used for sex.”
I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.”
The clerk said, “Me too!”

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “Me too.”

One day my dog Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight.
I told him, “I’m looking for Sex!”
My case comes up next Tuesday.

Now that I’ve been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I’m in counselling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.
I said, “Sex has left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and I’m so lonely.”
He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Why don’t you go get yourself a dog...”
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

Lifetime Member
My Profile  My Blog  Send Message

AnswerID: 630046

Reply By: Member - MIKE.G - Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 11:48

Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 11:48
AnswerID: 630047

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 12:37

Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 12:37
WHERE CAN I SHOP NOW?

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors. Man I hate this getting older stuff.

AnswerID: 630048

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 12:39

Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 12:39
Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
AnswerID: 630049

Follow Up By: Shaker - Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 16:11

Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 16:11
#3 - best laugh I’ve had for a while!
1
FollowupID: 905271

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 12:46

Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 12:46
The next time you feel that nobody loves you, no one cares, or that no one ever notices you, think of this guy:
AnswerID: 630050

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 12:55

Friday, Feb 14, 2020 at 12:55
Headache cured.

The doctor said, "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition that causes your testicles to press on your spine and the
pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."
I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live...
for. I had no choice but to go under the knife.
When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time
in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of
myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a
different person.
I could make a new beginning and live a new life. I saw a men's
clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit..."
I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'
The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."
I laughed, "That's right, howdid you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
I tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As I admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
I thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed me and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
I was surprised. "That's right! How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How
about some new underwear?"
I thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see...Size 36."
I laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one heck of a headache.
AnswerID: 630051

Popular Content

Popular Products (13)