Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Jan 19, 2018 at 07:15
ThreadID: 136117 Views:2649 Replies:9 FollowUps:1
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
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Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, Jan 19, 2018 at 08:22

Friday, Jan 19, 2018 at 08:22
This is so true,
Racist - me?

A thought provoking passage written by an Englishman about the current situation in HIS homeland - this is thought provoking and is equally relevant in any other (once) white country.

I have been wondering about why whites are racists, and no other race is?

There are British Africans, British Chinese, British Asian, British Turks, etc, etc, etc.

And then there are just British. You know what I mean, plain ole English people that were born here. You can include the Welsh, the Scottish and the people who live off our shores of Great Britain on tiny islands. Yes, we are all true Brits.

The others that live here call me 'White boy,' 'Cracker,' 'Honkey,' 'Whitey,' 'Caveman' 'White trash' and that's OK...

But if I call you, Nigger, Spade, Towel head, Paki, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook or Chink, you call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you. So why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

You have the Muslim Council of Great Britain.

You have Black History Month.

You have swimming pools for Asian women.

You have Islamic banks for Muslims only.

You have year of the dragon day for Chinese people.

If we had a White Pride Day, you would call us racists.

If we had White History Month, we'd be racists.

If we had any organization for only whites to 'advance' OUR lives, we'd be racists.

A white woman could not be in the Miss Black Britain or Miss Asia, but any colour can be in the Miss UK.

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships, you know we'd be racists.

There are over 200 openly proclaimed Muslim only schools in England. Yet if there were 'White schools only', that would be racist!

In the Bradford riots and Toxteth riots, you believed that you were standing-up for your race and rights. If we stood-up for our race and rights, you would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.

We fly our flag, we are racists. If we celebrate St George's day we are racists.

You can fly your flag and it’s called diversity. You celebrate your cultures and it’s called multiculturalism.

You rob us, carjack us, and rape our daughters. But, when a white police officer arrests a black gang member or beats up an Asian drug dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.

I am proud.... but you call me a racist.

Why is it that only whites can be racists??

There is nothing improper about this e-mail. Let's see which of you are proud enough to send it on.

I sadly don't think many will. That's why we have LOST most of OUR RIGHTS in this country. We won't stand up for ourselves!

BEING PROUD TO BE WHITE! It's not a crime, YET... but its getting very close!

......., ,,,,,,..........

Evolution in teaching math since the 1950s

1. Teaching Math In The 1950's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In The 1960's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In The 1970's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In The 1980's
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990's
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In The 2000's
Same question as number 5 but if you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of race, color, religion, sex, age, childhood memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you.

7. Teaching Math In 2017
Un hachero vende una carreta de madera por 100 pesos. El costo de la producción es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho en ganancia?

.............. ,,,,,,,,,,,,, ................


I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers..

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the 'John' and renamed it the 'Jim'. I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning".

Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights" I'm just very wise.

Don't ever ask me to bend down and touch my toes. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators We haven't met yet.

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
- I don’t have to go to school or work.
- I have a driver’s license and my own car.
- I get an allowance every month.
- I have my own ipad (although I can't recall where I put it)
- I don’t have a curfew.

Life is great.
Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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AnswerID: 616194

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jan 19, 2018 at 09:35

Friday, Jan 19, 2018 at 09:35
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at Dan's.

I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous,
almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump

It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, “I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow, would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?"

AnswerID: 616198

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jan 19, 2018 at 10:10

Friday, Jan 19, 2018 at 10:10
Federal Court Ruling from Australia

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Cricket team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Follow Up By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jan 19, 2018 at 13:42

Friday, Jan 19, 2018 at 13:42
How times change.

A few years ago, the Aussie team got custody!

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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jan 19, 2018 at 10:14

Friday, Jan 19, 2018 at 10:14
Eat to much at christmas

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Reply By: Member Kerry W (WA) - Friday, Jan 19, 2018 at 10:39

Friday, Jan 19, 2018 at 10:39
Kerry W (WA)
Security is mostly a superstition. It doesnt exist in nature. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.
-Helen Keller

Lifetime Member
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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jan 19, 2018 at 10:55

Friday, Jan 19, 2018 at 10:55
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated as the owner wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulties finding a new house. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn't say he had no children because he couldn't lie - and we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie. So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right - the agent asked: "How many children do you have?"

He answered: "Twelve."

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother.

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words.

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Reply By: Member Bushy 04(VIC) - Friday, Jan 19, 2018 at 18:47

Friday, Jan 19, 2018 at 18:47
How Old Is Grandpa?

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his Grandfather about current events.
The grandson asked his Grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandfather replied:
"Well, let me think a minute. I was born before:
' Television
' Penicillin
' Polio shots
' Frozen foods
' Xerox
' Contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' The Pill.

There were no:

' Credit cards
' Laser beams or
' Ball-point pens.

Man had not invented:

' Pantyhose
' Air conditioners
' Dishwashers
' Clothes dryers
' .. clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' Man hadn't yet walked on the moon.

Your Grandmother and I got married first .. and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam..
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your sixpence on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Holden for $600, . .. . but who could afford one? Too bad, because petrol was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

' "Grass" was mowed,
' "Coke" was a cold drink,
' "Pot" was something your mother cooked in and
' "Rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
' "Chip" meant a piece of wood,
' "Hardware" was found in a hardware store and
' "Software" wasn't even a word..

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap. and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind .. you are in for a shock!

Read on to see .. pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready ?

This man would be only 59!
Have a great day
AnswerID: 616220

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Jan 19, 2018 at 19:46

Friday, Jan 19, 2018 at 19:46
The pencil...

The value of a Catholic education and a pencil !...

Little Margaret Mary was not the best student in Catholic School.. Having to walk to school as she had no bus pass she usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell
me Margaret Mary, who created the universe?'

When Margaret Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Margaret Mary.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Margaret Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Margaret Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to
her rescue and stuck Margaret Mary in the butt with the pencil.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Margaret Mary and the Nun once again said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Margaret Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that f***#@^
thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.
AnswerID: 616222

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