Friday funnies

Submitted: Friday, Feb 23, 2018 at 00:32

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Member - Tony H (touring oz)

NZ PM Jacinta Adern just gave a lengthy press conference in which she explained she will need to take a month and a half off around the time of the birth, and how her partner, the baby’s father, will be a stay at home dad when she returns to work.

Unfortunately her Kiwi accent didn’t help clarify exactly what her priorities are, when she stated:
‘After sex weeks off I will be back on dick’..

...... ,,,,,,......

It's a very sad day. A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical school, has been fired for one minor mistake. He slept with one of his patients, and now he can no longer work in his profession. Such a waste of time, effort, training and money! Sadly, he is still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show one minor mishap can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family right now in this time of sadness. He really is a great guy, and a brilliant veterinarian.

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A Yorkshire farmer sees a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts,
“Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer, it's full o' hoss piss an' cow shite an' it could kill thee”.

The bloke says: "Sir, I am a Muslim from Pakistan , can you be speaking clearer, and slower please” .

The farmer replies: "if....You.... Use.... Two ...Hands.......You.... Won't.... Spill ...Any" .

.......,, ,,,,,,,, ...........

While golfing, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon.

A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?"
"I’m OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.

She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later."

The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.

"That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak.

"Well, OK," he finally agreed.

After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."

"Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"

He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."

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Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided
that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice
together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist;
they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and
Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was
also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics
and High Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal
Retentives - thumbs down again.

Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted
in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts
and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and
Moons - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came
up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it.

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Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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Reply By: Member - Blue M - Friday, Feb 23, 2018 at 02:16

Friday, Feb 23, 2018 at 02:16

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake up, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a bloke leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the bloke, “How much money do you make a week? ”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,"I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed over $1,600 in cash and said, “Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back.."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
================================

Catholic Horses
A punter was at Randwick playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt. He noticed a priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites.'

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AnswerID: 617117

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Feb 23, 2018 at 06:01

Friday, Feb 23, 2018 at 06:01

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.)

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is surprised.

He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.

He gets back to Minnesota , and calls over his neighbor Jimmy Mooney, and says, "Jimmy, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her tit, and see vat happens."

So Jimmy reaches under, pulls the tit - and the cow farts.

Jimmy looks at Ole and sez, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, din't yah?"

Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Jimmy about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how'd yah know?"

Jimmy says, "My wife's from Nordakota."

AnswerID: 617118

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Feb 23, 2018 at 06:02

Friday, Feb 23, 2018 at 06:02

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken."

AnswerID: 617119

Reply By: OBJ - Friday, Feb 23, 2018 at 08:07

Friday, Feb 23, 2018 at 08:07

Newly wed couples

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nice, nurses are known to be hot."
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."

The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are too strict."

The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"

Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was "Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"

Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says,

"When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get it right!'"

AnswerID: 617120

Reply By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Feb 23, 2018 at 08:28

Friday, Feb 23, 2018 at 08:28

A man got chatting to a girl in a club. "Can I buy you a drink ?" he asked.

"Have you not got a girlfriend ?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," he assured her.

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love.

While he was putting his clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed.

Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend ?"

He said, "My wife found out."

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AnswerID: 617121

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Feb 23, 2018 at 09:53

Friday, Feb 23, 2018 at 09:53

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes
crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need a piece of tail.”
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind.
Last night, you told me to go fly a kite…
.....................................................................................................................................
The Minister’s New Dentures
The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:
“The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife’s dentures and I couldn’t stop talking!”
..............................................................................................................................
“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic fine.
“Keep it,” the clerk advised. “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”

bill

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AnswerID: 617123

Follow Up By: tim_c - Friday, Feb 23, 2018 at 12:15

Friday, Feb 23, 2018 at 12:15

That might go part way to explaining the blatant disregard for road rules shown by many of those riding bicycles :-)

(ie. they're riding bicycles because they're serial offenders).

FollowupID: 888606

Reply By: Member Bushy 04(VIC) - Friday, Feb 23, 2018 at 11:43

Friday, Feb 23, 2018 at 11:43

DIDN'T BELIEVE THESE LAWS AT FIRST, BUT HAVE FOUND THEM TO BE TRUE FROM ACTUAL EXPERIENCE.
??Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

??Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

?? Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

??Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

??Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

??Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

?? Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

?? Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

??? Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

???? Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

??? The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

??? Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

??? Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

???Law of Logical Argument-Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

??? Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

???Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

???Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

??? Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.

Have a great day.

There are times when its just you and the bird's.

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AnswerID: 617126

Reply By: Greg A6 - Friday, Feb 23, 2018 at 13:27

Friday, Feb 23, 2018 at 13:27

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me ready and keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label **Viagra Extra Strength** and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."

The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."

The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's ‘member’ is black and blue, mangled and chunks of skin are hanging off in some places.

In a pained voice, the man moans out, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."

The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that!"

The man replies, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

AnswerID: 617131