Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, May 11, 2018 at 06:13
ThreadID: 136681 Views:2403 Replies:10 FollowUps:3
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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who stuffed up your hair?"
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, May 11, 2018 at 06:14

Friday, May 11, 2018 at 06:14
Sitting on their usual park bench one morning, the 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh!t but me."
AnswerID: 618795

Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, May 11, 2018 at 07:37

Friday, May 11, 2018 at 07:37
Arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his upset wife.

Tearfully she said, "The chemist insulted me this morning on the
phone. I had to call time and time again before he would even answer it.."

Straight away, the husband drove to town to confront the
pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told
him, "Just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
didn’t go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
hurried out to the car, only to realise that I'd locked the house with
both house and car keys inside and I had to break a window to get my
keys."

"Then, driving too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I
was about three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre."

"When I finally got to the store a crowd of people were waiting
for me to open. I got the store opened and started serving these
people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing."

"Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register
drawer to get change, and they went all over the floor. I had to get
on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still
ringing. When got up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which
made me stagger back against a showcase displaying perfume bottles.
Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I
finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know
how to use a rectal thermometer."

"Believe me mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

........... ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, .............
Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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AnswerID: 618797

Reply By: Member - DickyBeach - Friday, May 11, 2018 at 07:42

Friday, May 11, 2018 at 07:42
TOUR d'AFRIQUE perhaps ???
AnswerID: 618798

Follow Up By: MUZBRY- Life member(Vic) - Friday, May 11, 2018 at 07:55

Friday, May 11, 2018 at 07:55
Gday Dicky
Tour De France is not much different
Muzbry
Great place to be Mt Blue Rag 27/12/2012

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Follow Up By: Ron N - Friday, May 11, 2018 at 22:54

Friday, May 11, 2018 at 22:54
What a classic!! All it needed was for some of the spectators to nick off with the pranged bikes!! LOL

Cheers, Ron.
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Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, May 11, 2018 at 09:14

Friday, May 11, 2018 at 09:14
Aunty Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'
'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Sarah.'
Michael, do you have a story to share?'
Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until sheran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'
Stay the f*** away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking

AnswerID: 618801

Reply By: MUZBRY- Life member(Vic) - Friday, May 11, 2018 at 09:36

Friday, May 11, 2018 at 09:36
Gday
My wife asked me to pass the lip balm, by mistake i gave her the super glue and now she wont talk to me
Muzbry
Great place to be Mt Blue Rag 27/12/2012

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Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderers - Friday, May 11, 2018 at 22:49

Friday, May 11, 2018 at 22:49
RAFLMAO, LOL

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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, May 11, 2018 at 10:15

Friday, May 11, 2018 at 10:15
The chase

https://youtu.be/cy0hnn3pxpc


Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down,I'll remember it."

I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew.

I have a driver’s license and my own car.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne.Life is great.

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.
Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, May 11, 2018 at 10:37

Friday, May 11, 2018 at 10:37
Progress:A Millennia Of Selective Breeding









Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 618806

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, May 11, 2018 at 17:56

Friday, May 11, 2018 at 17:56



bill
AnswerID: 618818

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, May 11, 2018 at 18:02

Friday, May 11, 2018 at 18:02
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how vassah de treepa?”
Luigi said, “Everytinga vassah perfecto except for da traina ride down.”
“Whadda you mean, Luigi?” asked Giovanni.”
“Well, we boarda da train at Granna Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she packa bigga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice salami and cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga vassah okey dokey until we getta hungry and open uppa da luncha basket.
The conductore comma by, wagga hissa finger at us an say, ‘no eat in dissa car. Musta use a dining car.’
“So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a bigga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hissa finger and say, ‘No drinka in dissa car. Musta use a club a car.’
“So, we go to club car. While drinkin vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he wagga hissa finger again and say, ‘No smokin in dissa car. Musta go to smokin car.’ We go to smokin car and I smoka my biga cigar.
“Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of hissa voice, ‘Nofolka Virginia!n Nofolka Virginia!’
“Next time, Ima gonna takea da bus!”

bill
AnswerID: 618819

Reply By: Member - Blue M - Friday, May 11, 2018 at 23:14

Friday, May 11, 2018 at 23:14
Q. Do you know why Barnaby Joyce is like IKEA furniture?

A. One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart!

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”

Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”

OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,”Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------

After my recent Prostate Exam, which was the most thorough and intrusive I've ever experienced, the Doctor left and the lady staff nurse came in.

As she shut the door, she asked me a question that I really didn’t want to hear.

"Who is that guy who just left?"
AnswerID: 618827

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