Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 06:14
ThreadID: 136807 Views:2304 Replies:11 FollowUps:3
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Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
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Reply By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 06:36

Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 06:36
If a midget smokes weed - does he get high or just medium ?
AnswerID: 619413

Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderers - Saturday, Jun 09, 2018 at 00:50

Saturday, Jun 09, 2018 at 00:50
A midget clairvoyant was caught shoplifting, but got away before the police arrived, so the police are looking for........................

a small medium at large

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Reply By: Member - Paul B (WA) - Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 07:39

Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 07:39
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in the pub, so one night he took her along with him.

"What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

“A couple of schooners of Old thanks mate,” he says to the barman.

When they came he skolled his straight down.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Paul B Kalgoorlie

Do your best, have fun & s/he with the most friends wins!

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AnswerID: 619415

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 07:46

Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 07:46
What Do Retired People Do All Day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop, writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care.

We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
AnswerID: 619416

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 08:54

Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 08:54
Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of Whitey's time so Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Whitey's favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Whitey noticed old Brewster's bell hadn't rung at all!
Whitey went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Whitey's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county fair... and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...

The judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

bill
AnswerID: 619417

Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderers - Saturday, Jun 09, 2018 at 01:00

Saturday, Jun 09, 2018 at 01:00
I was driving down the road the other day when a 3-legged chicken ran out in front of me. I got out, picked up the chicken and noticed a farm-house up on the hill, so off I went

Got to the gate and there was the farmer, so I told him about the chicken. He said it was alright as he had others for breeding as well. I asked why he breeds 3 legged chickens?

He said, I like a leg, the wife likes a leg and the son likes a leg, I said that's fantastic, what do they taste like?

Dunno said the farmer, can't catch the little buggers

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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 08:56

Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 08:56
The Queen was showing Megan around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.

"Oh dear" said the Queen "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that".

"It's quite understandable" said Megan, and after a moment, added "as a matter of fact, I thought it was the horse".

bill
AnswerID: 619418

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 10:21

Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 10:21
After having their 11th child ,an Irish couple decided that they couldn't afford a bigger bed.
So the husband went to the doctor and told him that he and the wife didn't want anymore kids. The doctor explained about the procedure called a vasectomy that would solve the problem but was very expensive.
A cheaper alternative was to go home ,get a large fire-cracker, light it, put in a beer can, hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The husband said "B jaysuz, I may not be the smartest bloke but how would holding a firework in a beer can to my ear held" " Trust me" say the doctor it will do the job.

So man goes home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can hold up to his ear and begins to count "1,2,3,4,5" at which point he paused,and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also work in New Zealand,Tasmania and parts of Brisbane.
AnswerID: 619419

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 10:22

Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 10:22
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "this is a raid – everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.
The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. "Did anybody else here see my face?".

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.. "I think my wife caught a glimpse...."
AnswerID: 619420

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 10:26

Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 10:26
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
AnswerID: 619421

Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderers - Saturday, Jun 09, 2018 at 01:06

Saturday, Jun 09, 2018 at 01:06
Does the New Wives store open on a Saturday?

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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 13:10

Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 13:10











Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 619424

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 19:14

Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 19:14
Kim jong-un

https://youtu.be/EBLgCiOZHQs
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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 19:21

Friday, Jun 08, 2018 at 19:21
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand-new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened on his right and announced its arrival with an even larger sign reading, 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.

It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

The weary holiday traveller looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage at the check-in counter. Turning to the attendant he said, "I like your mistletoe. Is it for customers or only personnel?"

"Neither," she said. "It's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

My sister brought her daughter a nice Baby Grand Piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked my sister how her daughter was doing.

"Oh," she said, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" I asked.

"Because," my sister answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."
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Of course, I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed! - Thomas Edison's Mother
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