Friday Funnies

Whos been to these places. They all exist.

Pismo Beach USA
This location is worth a Google. Very popular beach with the monster RV and 5th wheeler set.
Fascinating you tube videos of boggings etc.

Messages

On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra, Malcom is being chauffeured to Parliament House. It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin has frozen over.
As he jumps out of the Caprice (BMW), Malcom looks over the Lake & notices that someone has "peed" on the ice & left a message,
"MALCOM SUCKS".

Malcom is enraged & orders ASIO to investigate with "no expenses spared" & to report within two weeks.

Two weeks later, the head of ASIO reports to the PM & says "our investigation is over & I have three pieces of news for you....good news, bad news & terribly bad shocking news".

Well says Malcom, give me the good news. The head of ASIO says "We spent $5 million dollars on the investigation & have come to a successful result".

Well says Malcom what's the bad news?

The head of ASIO says "The DNA testing shows the urine is ScoMo's".
Malcom is shocked beyond belief.

Looking pale, Malcom says " and what is the terribly bad shocking news?"

The ASIO chief replies " It's Michalia Cash's hand writing".

bill

Now don't go and get your knickers in a twist and your back up about the sentiments expressed in this missive. Smile and enjoy OR skip to the next one....


WE ARE AUSTRALIAN
WE are, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.

First,
there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte,grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose
chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next,
there's New South Wales, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens.
It's capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. It's mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull
their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down
south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the state bring smiles to
the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South
Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners, off season carni-folk, and bizarre axe murders. South Australia is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Now
Western Australia, is too far from anywhere to be relevant.
It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. Western Australia was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

The
Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos,Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere, too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live
there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And
then there's Queensland............While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as it's
beautiful one day and perfect the next?? Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes and there's Canberra, in the Australian Capital Territory. The least said the better.

We,
the citizens of Oz, are united by highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition.

Not that we're whinging, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who
commits suicide).

We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. And our national dress code is short shorts, thongs, and the good old t-shirt!

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.
Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian.

bill

A FAIR EXCUSE
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecturette iis time of night?"

The man replied,

"That would be my wife."

A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to the waiter,
"I'm sorry, but I’m blind and I can't read the menu.
So just bring me a dirty fork, I'll smell it, and order from there."

The waiter picks up a greasy fork, and hands it to the blind guy.
The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deep, and says,
"Ah...that's what I'll have...meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

The waiter can't believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, June, who's the cook.

The next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, "I'll get you a dirty fork.

He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blind guy smells it, and says,
"That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

The waiter thinks the blind guy is bullshitting him, so the next day when the
blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife,
"June, rub this fork on your crotch."
She does, and then he goes out and hands it to the blind guy.

The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Are you kiddin me, I didn't know June worked here!"

........,,,,,,,,,..........
Red Tomatoes




A mature and well educated woman loved her veggie patch and particularly growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.



One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge bright red tomatoes.



The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”



The gentlemen responded, "Well, I know this will sound strange , but twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much Somebody else told me this and I don't know why but it seems to work”.



Well, the woman thanked the man and as she walks away she thinks to herself this is absolutely ridiculous but at the same time she is so impressed; she decides to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.



One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"



No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one!

You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Smart-ass answers

6th Place :
It was meal-time during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the
front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

5th Place :
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped
for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck
under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab
And said to the driver,
'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!'


SMART ASSED ANSWER
OF THE YEAR

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's
final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and
asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying .

The bread department features a tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.