Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 06:18
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A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and were holding hands.

The waitress, taking an order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqu and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in."
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 06:20

Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 06:20
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.

This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........

"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a Chihuahua ?!"
AnswerID: 620936

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 08:32

Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 08:32
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended
diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached,the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?" "The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also
worth 50% of the mark." ...............

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

bill
AnswerID: 620940

Reply By: OBJ - Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 09:30

Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 09:30
AnswerID: 620941

Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 12:59

Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 12:59
An Angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking,

drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven. The woman

said she would try her best.

The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then

I bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my

long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and made love

to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in Heaven", said the Angel.

The woman replied: "They're not crazy about it in Aldi either!"


...........,,,,,,,,,,,,.............


Greens senator, Sarah Hanson-young, is touring live cattle export yards in the senator's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road; they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Sarah in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "You were driving, go and tell the farmer " says Sarah, "I can't afford to be blamed for anything."

The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. "My god, what happened to you ?" asks Sarah.

The chauffeur replies "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt whiskey. The wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say ?" asks Sarah. "I knocked on the door and when it answered, I said to them I’m Sarah Hanson-young's chauffeur and I’ve just killed the cow."

........,,,,,,,,,,,,..........

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”


Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes.


The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion.

The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says……..

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!”


Moral of this story…

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to 2 'old' friends right away, there will be 2 fewer people laughing in the world.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged’.

You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?







Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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AnswerID: 620948

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 14:33

Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 14:33
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he eats to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

The old man says to himself, "I can't believe everybody knows about this stuff but me."
Dunc
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AnswerID: 620950

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 14:34

Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 14:34
True Story
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again decides to leave a note saying "I've had enough and left you, don't bother coming after me" then hides under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom, she could see him walking towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone; "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about time, I'm coming to pick you up, put on the sexy French basque and stockings, I love you".
He then hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote;
"I can see your feet. Stop behaving like a retarded, we're out of bread, throw the kettle on, back in five."
Dunc
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AnswerID: 620951

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 14:35

Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 14:35
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he
approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the
clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all
me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
"So, Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir"
says Murphy
"Bravo, bravo!Your good at this and what about the tird one?" asks the
doctor.


"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young
gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue,
she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and
her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:
'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen
any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.


"I put drops in her eyes."



Dunc
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AnswerID: 620953

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 14:39

Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 14:39
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'



Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'



Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!'



Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

------------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

______________________________ __



Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
Dunc
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AnswerID: 620954

Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 14:46

Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 14:46
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of
bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA
batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously
in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will
not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape.

* My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was.
* My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.
* I had no control over the drooling.
* Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my
hair.
*I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now
regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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AnswerID: 620955

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 15:56

Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 15:56
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded....'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

AnswerID: 620957

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 21:25

Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 21:25
Amazingly simple home remedies

If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily thought: some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

"Normal people ... believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn’t broken, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 620968

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 21:29

Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 21:29











Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 620969

Reply By: Member - Michael P (QLD) - Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 22:14

Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 22:14
AnswerID: 620970

Reply By: Gerard S - Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 23:23

Friday, Aug 31, 2018 at 23:23
AnswerID: 620972

Reply By: Gerard S - Saturday, Sep 01, 2018 at 00:13

Saturday, Sep 01, 2018 at 00:13
AnswerID: 620973

Reply By: Glenn C5 - Monday, Sep 03, 2018 at 13:05

Monday, Sep 03, 2018 at 13:05
IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR






A skinny little white Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down at the Irishman and says: "7 foot tall,

350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown”

The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......

The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?”

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?”

The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................

I'm 7 foot tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown”

The little white Irishman says:

"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus........I thought you said, "Turn around!"
AnswerID: 620999

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