Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Apr 05, 2019 at 08:56
ThreadID: 138107 Views:2814 Replies:11 FollowUps:3
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A millionaire threw a party and during it he announces to his guests that
down in the pool are two great white sharks. "I will give anything of mine to
the person who dares to swim across that pool."

Amidst a few mutterings, the party continues until there is a splash from the
pool and all the guests dash over to see what has happened. In the pool is a
man, built like a gladiator, and he is swimming as hard as he can.

Sure enough, the predators fins rise out of the water and their jaws begin
snapping, but this guy just keeps on going. As he nears the end, the sharks
are on top of him baiting for blood, but he keeps just ahead of them.

With the roar of the watching crowd urging him on, and a final Herculean
effort, the man reaches the end and hoists himself out of the pool. Gasping
for air, he turns to take the adulation from those spectating, of his magnificent feat.

The millionaire grabs the microphone " Sir you are indeed brave, a man with
the heart of a lion, and I, I am a man of my word. As promised you may have
anything you desire; my Porsche?, my house? ,my wife?. Absolutely anything,
for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So what will it be?'

To which the guy replies, "Well, why don't we start with the name of the bastard
who pushed me in!"
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Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Apr 05, 2019 at 09:07

Friday, Apr 05, 2019 at 09:07
*SIZE* does Matter!

Sometimes it IS better to
have a SMALL ONE!
AnswerID: 624787

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Apr 05, 2019 at 10:14

Friday, Apr 05, 2019 at 10:14
THEOLOGICAL QUESTION:

Three people were able to walk on water...

There was Jesus.
.
There was a shallow sandbar....

There was Saint Peter

and there was Pedro...



bill
AnswerID: 624790

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Apr 05, 2019 at 10:16

Friday, Apr 05, 2019 at 10:16
Husbands eh!:

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed , and as
the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked
around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't
afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that
shop."

He replied,
"Well, I'm in the pub next door."

bill
AnswerID: 624791

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Apr 05, 2019 at 10:21

Friday, Apr 05, 2019 at 10:21
BBC NORFOLK Contestant

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don't know.

Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm

Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant: Strong.

Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant: Louis

Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

---------------------------------------

A couple decide that they need a guard dog.

So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”

The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a Chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a Chihuahua can’t do that.”

“But this is no regular Chihuahua. It’s an attack Chihuahua!” the employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack Chihuahua, chair.”

The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the Chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind.

“Wow” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog”

“Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again. Attack Chihuahua, table!”

She pointed to a table, and, again, the Chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table.

The man said “Okay, okay, I’ll take it.”

When he brought it home, his wife was very angry.

“Why did you buy a Chihuahua?!” She yelled

“Because” he responded, “this is no ordinary Chihuahua, this is an attack Chihuahua!”

“Attack Chihuahua, my ass!” she responded

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A dear old man has been having trouble making love to his wife due to impotency.

He has tried pills, oils, anything he can get his hands on, but nothing works. He researched online, asked every online expert he could think of - to no avail.

He tells his buddy about this, and his buddy says "I know a witch doctor who has a remedy for this. Go see her, she will help you out.

The old man goes to the witch doctor and explains his problems.

"I know just the thing," she says, and hands him a potion. "Drink this. When you are ready, just say 'one, two, three.' Your problems will be solved. When you are finished, your partner must say, 'one, two, three, four,' and that will be that. You can only use this potion once every full moon."

Excited to try this new remedy, he makes his way home in a haste.

That night, things are starting to get hot and heavy. He turns around and says "one, two three." Just like that, he is hard as a rock, like he was 18 again. He faces his wife, ready to go.

Impressed, his wife stared at him and said, "Wow, that looks great. But what did you say 'one, two, three,' for?"

----------------------------------------------------

The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.


"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

------------------------------------------------

A science teacher asked her students "Children, if you could own one mineral, what would it be?

One boy said, "I would choose gold. It’s worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette."

Another boy said, "I would want platinum because it’s worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher said, "Johnny, What would you want?

Johnny said, "I would want silicone."

"Why would you want silicone?" Asked the teacher

"Well my mom got some, he replied, “and there's always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway.”

--------------------------------------------------

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living.

One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said: "My mom's a streetwalker."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said "Yes"

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 624792

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Apr 05, 2019 at 10:42

Friday, Apr 05, 2019 at 10:42










Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Follow Up By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Apr 05, 2019 at 21:35

Friday, Apr 05, 2019 at 21:35
OH NUTS



Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Reply By: Bushy - Friday, Apr 05, 2019 at 12:06

Friday, Apr 05, 2019 at 12:06
OFFEND EVERYONE

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.



Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women:



1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.



2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.



3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a 'touch and go.'



4) Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.



5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.



6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.



7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.



8) Airplanes don't come with in-laws.



9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.



10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.



11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.



12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.



13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.



14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.



15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.



16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.


Have a great day
AnswerID: 624799

Follow Up By: Dion - Friday, Apr 05, 2019 at 12:35

Friday, Apr 05, 2019 at 12:35
I just thought I'd add, Submarines are inherently more safer than airplanes.

Don't believe me, well there are more aircraft down in the medium that submarines operate in, than there are submarines up in the medium that airplanes operate in.
6
FollowupID: 898333

Follow Up By: tim_c - Friday, Apr 05, 2019 at 14:36

Friday, Apr 05, 2019 at 14:36
True, but the Navy has left a few submarines in the sea - the Air Force has never left a single plane up in the sky...
7
FollowupID: 898334

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Apr 05, 2019 at 12:08

Friday, Apr 05, 2019 at 12:08
Married for the Fourth Time

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director" she answered. "Interesting" the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now -in her 80's- a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go"
AnswerID: 624800

Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Saturday, Apr 06, 2019 at 11:54

Saturday, Apr 06, 2019 at 11:54
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’
Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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AnswerID: 624817

Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Saturday, Apr 06, 2019 at 12:20

Saturday, Apr 06, 2019 at 12:20
A redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and a Doctor was called to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the Doctor handed the father to be a lantern and said "here you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon a baby son was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the Doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down..... I think there's yet another one to come". Sure enough within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No no don't be in a great hurry to put down that lantern... It seems there is yet another one in there!" Cried the Doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the Doctor " do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em" ??
Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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AnswerID: 624818

Reply By: Grizzle - Tuesday, Apr 09, 2019 at 14:08

Tuesday, Apr 09, 2019 at 14:08
I thought you were going to say he had "Melbourne for 2019 Premiers "tattooed across his back.

Not even a Great White would swallow that!!!!

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AnswerID: 624859

Reply By: Liza P - Tuesday, Apr 09, 2019 at 23:19

Tuesday, Apr 09, 2019 at 23:19
The main thing is to photograph everything on camera, and then you can’t prove anything) it works that way)
AnswerID: 624870

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