FRIDAY FUNNIES

Submitted: Friday, Apr 26, 2019 at 07:29
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You have reached the "Men's Help Line." My name is Phil How can I help you?

"Hi Phil, I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
You know, just the usual signs; the phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up.
Plus, she goes out with "the girls" a lot.
I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse; then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
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Reply By: OBJ - Friday, Apr 26, 2019 at 08:21

Friday, Apr 26, 2019 at 08:21
Winter Boots

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on,
this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream,
'Why didn't you say so?' as she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She'll be eligible to return to work in three weeks.
AnswerID: 625157

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Apr 26, 2019 at 10:05

Friday, Apr 26, 2019 at 10:05
A traveler on vacation

lost his wallet and all of his identification.

Cutting his trip short, he attempted

to make his way home but was

stopped by the Australian Customs Agents at the airport.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the bloke.

"Sure mate, I hear that every day.

No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an Australian!" he exclaimed.

"I have a picture of Bob Hawke tattooed on one side of my arse and Paul Keating on the other."

"This I gotta see, replied the agent. With that, the bloke dropped his strides and showed the agent his behind.

"By hell, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Melbourne."

"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Melbourne?"

The agent replied, "I recognized Shorten in the middle."

----------------------------------------------

"Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams."

"Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers? Men don't like flowers. I've been wearing a great scent. It's called New Car Interior."

Subject: Church Bulletins These sentences appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service…

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .

Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it.


Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Apr 26, 2019 at 10:13

Friday, Apr 26, 2019 at 10:13









Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Apr 26, 2019 at 15:46

Friday, Apr 26, 2019 at 15:46
Surgeon

bill
AnswerID: 625166

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Apr 26, 2019 at 15:47

Friday, Apr 26, 2019 at 15:47
Very funny story to make your day. Laugh.......

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks
to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to
doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take
care of another matter before she returned.

Lucy came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting
in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,
she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her
to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy
wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the
hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how
to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this). Lucy tried to
lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor,
I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before".

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

bill
AnswerID: 625167

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Apr 26, 2019 at 15:49

Friday, Apr 26, 2019 at 15:49
Winter fuel allowance

About this time of the year, us older taxpayers will again be receiving
another 'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme,
and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and
electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Economy by
spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Aldi or Campbells, the money will go to China ,
Taiwan or Sri Lanka
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and
Guatemala
* if you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea
* If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management
bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

So instead, keep the money in Oz by:

1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on prostitutes
4. Buying beer or whisky
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie

Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute
that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !

No need to thank me...just glad I could be of help.

bill
AnswerID: 625168

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Apr 26, 2019 at 20:05

Friday, Apr 26, 2019 at 20:05












Living like a millionaire on the pension

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