friday funnies

Submitted: Friday, May 17, 2019 at 08:11
ThreadID: 138339 Views:2429 Replies:8 FollowUps:1
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Actual Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins

Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice-cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

The bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Have a great day Bushy,
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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, May 17, 2019 at 10:43

Friday, May 17, 2019 at 10:43
Gotta love the French!

This happened in France, to an Englishman who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all
day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that
he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a few
glasses of single malt afterwards.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to an alcotest and asks the Englishman
if he knows why he has just been arrested.

With humor, the Englishman answers: "And do you know that this is a British
car and that my wife is driving... on the right side?"

AnswerID: 625571

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, May 17, 2019 at 10:45

Friday, May 17, 2019 at 10:45
How clever are these guys.....

Game of BB

AnswerID: 625572

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, May 17, 2019 at 11:19

Friday, May 17, 2019 at 11:19

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 625575

Follow Up By: Member - PhilD_NT - Friday, May 17, 2019 at 20:56

Friday, May 17, 2019 at 20:56
First pic reminds me of the female Doctor who offered to give me a Prostate check. I declined on seeing her nails. She then started to type in the computer and voiced what she was typing "Patient declined Prostate check".
FollowupID: 899270

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, May 17, 2019 at 15:02

Friday, May 17, 2019 at 15:02
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
AnswerID: 625582

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, May 17, 2019 at 15:04

Friday, May 17, 2019 at 15:04

A ninety year old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two government 'Welfare' officials sent to interview him.
One of them remarked “You have been observing the white man now for 90 years. You have seen his wars and his technological advances.
You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The elder nodded in agreement.
The official continued "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white fella go wrong?"

The elder stared at the officials for over a minute and then he calmly replied: "When white fella found the land, black fellas were running it:
No taxes
No debt
Plenty kangaroo
Plenty fish
Women do all the work
Medicine man free
Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing and all night having sex”

Then he leaned back and smiled; "Only white fella bloody stupid enough to think he could improve a system like that."
AnswerID: 625583

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, May 17, 2019 at 16:26

Friday, May 17, 2019 at 16:26
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights

are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently

But here's the worst of it.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,

Either My Radiator Leaks

or My Exhaust Backfires!
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 625585

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, May 17, 2019 at 16:27

Friday, May 17, 2019 at 16:27
A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London.
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was
£2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the
couple, £39.00.
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said,
"Well, here it is on the screen, it says:
*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is £39.00.
I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others....!
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 625586

Reply By: Ron N - Saturday, May 18, 2019 at 00:00

Saturday, May 18, 2019 at 00:00
A guy from the upper East Coast of America walks into a saloon in the backwoods country of West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beers and whiskeys, to cast scornful looks at the white wine drinker.

The bartender says with a hint of a sneer, "You ain't from around here, are ya, stranger?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from New York."

"New York! - uh-huh", the bartender says, "And what do you do in New York?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No," says the New Yorker "I don't drive a taxi - I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys!! He's one of us!!"

Cheers, Ron.
AnswerID: 625591

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