Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 06:21
ThreadID: 138480 Views:3015 Replies:11 FollowUps:8
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SCHOOLS - 1950s v 2019

Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.

1950s - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2019 - Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark & charge them with assault.
Both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Both children go to anger management programmes for 3 months.
School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes.


Scenario :
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1950s - Robbie sent to headmaster and given six of the best.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2019 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD – result deemed to be positive. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.


Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in a neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a good hiding

1950s - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2019 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.


Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1950s - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with, Passes exams & becomes a solicitor.

2019 - Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons.
Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.


Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest.

1950s - Wasps die.

2019 - Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an aeroplane again.


Scenario :
Johnny falls over while playing football during morning break and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.

1950s - In a couple of minutes, Johnny feels better and goes on playing football. No damage done.

2019 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay.

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Reply By: Member - Boobook - Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 07:03

Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 07:03
Gazz, this is supposed to be Friday Funnies, not a documentary. So sad that what you post is true. I did get a laugh, but mostly out of nervousness on where our society is heading.

We can thank the Labor party, Greens, ABC and Fairfax for a lot of this crap.
200 with 2012 Tvan Canning.
Happiness >= your perception of the events in your life minus your expectation of how life should be.

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Follow Up By: Frank P (NSW) - Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 07:27

Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 07:27
"We can thank the Labor party, Greens, ABC and Fairfax for a lot of this crap."

As you said, Tony, this is supposed to be Friday Funnies, not a soapbox for the politically disenchanted.
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Follow Up By: Michael H9 - Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 08:21

Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 08:21
I didn't know you could turn gay from hugs and therapy.
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Follow Up By: Member - Bigfish - Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 11:33

Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 11:33
Frank p...Boobooks post is definitely a joke. Only a fool would believe his comment.
FollowupID: 899707

Reply By: Glenn C5 - Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 08:41

Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 08:41
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies,
two in the front seat and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask....Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."
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Reply By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 09:47

Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 09:47
Apologies for language.
AnswerID: 626046

Follow Up By: Member - Bigfish - Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 11:36

Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 11:36
haha.....couldn't have said it better myself..
FollowupID: 899708

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 11:04

Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 11:04
'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell
is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of
fish they catch, stuff like that. And
I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to
lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and
I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a
seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months
through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in

'Then, about two Sat*rdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house
for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck
walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a
sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed
like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he
got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden,
out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it
was from Mom's play-centre, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.
When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in
the first place..'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell
day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle
Wife' comes along.

AnswerID: 626047

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 11:05

Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 11:05

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this
prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he
insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go
well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live
with you and your wife...."
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and
start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say "you
don't look that old.."
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me! I want people to know why I look this way.
I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a
nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper....
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when
they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too...I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her...what does she look
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue
eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

AnswerID: 626048

Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 11:18

Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 11:18
I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him, “I wish I had your will power!

I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks and Romanian Gypsies" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, “Sorry about the wait.”
I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually."

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said, “Any change?” I said “No, you're still black”.

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!"

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him,“What's wrong?”
The boy says,“Me ma is dead”.
“Oh bejaysus,"the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?”
The boy replies, “No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”

Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better !

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question....which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.

A woman has a medical at the doctors. “You are grossly overweight,” he says.
“I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims. “OK. You're bloody ugly as well.”

That should more or less cover everyone !!
Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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Follow Up By: Genny - Saturday, Jun 08, 2019 at 16:41

Saturday, Jun 08, 2019 at 16:41
Reckon one of these wouldn't pass scrutiny.
You know which one.
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Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderer - Saturday, Jun 08, 2019 at 22:32

Saturday, Jun 08, 2019 at 22:32
I had to scroll up, well, bejeezus, there's the Irish joke
You left out the Yanks in Hawaiin shirts

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Reply By: FatGaz - Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 11:29

Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 11:29
AFL singalong:

You put your elbow in
You put your elbow out
You put your elbow in, and you wave it all about

You do the Gary Ablett and you turn around
That's what it's all about.
AnswerID: 626050

Reply By: Gerard S - Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 12:39

Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 12:39
AnswerID: 626053

Follow Up By: OutBack Wanderer - Saturday, Jun 08, 2019 at 22:43

Saturday, Jun 08, 2019 at 22:43
I thought if ever I move to Bundaberg to get away from my ex-wife, then you showed up with her pic.
Not only does it make her a bit beautiful, but she seems to acquire a better-looking head. I should feel anger but I just feel pity for Donald, I can always look for a little head next week

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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 14:05

Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 14:05

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Reply By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 19:16

Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 19:16
My missus just said to me -

"NASA wants to put the first woman on the moon by 2024"
I said - " Why, does it need cleaning ? "
AnswerID: 626063

Follow Up By: Ron N - Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 19:29

Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 19:29
It's been nice to know ya, Gazz ..... you know, you're a dead man walking, now .... [;-)

Cheers, Ron.
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Reply By: bazz - Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 23:06

Friday, Jun 07, 2019 at 23:06
Bruce goes to the doctor as he has a small growth in the middle of his forehead that appears to be getting larger .
After a multitude of tests and a biopsy the doctor called him into the surgery, gave him a seat and said, "Bruce, there is no easy way of telling you this but, you have a secondary pen*s growing out of your forehead."
"Well cut the bloody thing off" replied Bruce.
"Sorry Bruce" the doctor said, "we have considered this and investigated the feasibility of doing so, but it appears this appendage shares a blood supply with your brain, any attempt at surgical removal would cause major brain damage or even death."
"Strewth doc" said Bruce "how big is this bloody thing going to get?"
The doctor paused for a moment and said "In my professional opinion I don't think it will grow too big, I envisage that it will peak at about the same size as your primary appendage, that I believe is the most likely prognosis."
"Oh FFS" wailed Bruce "You mean to say for the rest of my life I'm going to be staring at a bloody great co*k growing out of my forehead?"
"That's highly unlikely" replied the doc, "within about six months your new set of balls will be covering your eyes."
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